There are two forms of unemployment. The first type of unemployment is a state where a person is currently not productive and does not have a job. The second category of unemployment is the act of receiving money when one does not provide products or services to warrant the gift of said money.
Throughout the course of human events, there has always been unemployment. In the biblical story of Cain and Abel, Cain was Adam and Eve’s first-born son who toiled in the fields, working his ass off as a dirt farmer. Meanwhile, Abel, who was Adam and Eve’s second child, was a shepherd, meaning that he sat on his ass all day in a state of unemployment. Upon seeing his brother’s idle and lethargic state, Cain murdered his brother in a fit of rage. Because of this action, to this day there is great animosity between the employed and the unemployed, often manifesting itself in such manners:
- Unemployed people, through the use of politics (a very altered and idealistic form of unemployment), will cause those who have jobs to pay for their stuff.
- Employed individuals will audaciously assume that those who are unemployed have something mentally wrong with their physiology. Through several studies completed by those who have jobs, this assumption has now been rendered as fact.
- Only dirty people are indigent, destitute, and unemployed.
- Only smarmy assholes have jobs.
State of Unemployment
When a person no longer works, he or she is considered unemployed. This can be for any one of several reasons, such as being lazy, being unskilled, being clumsy, being dense, lacking proficiency in any way, or just a plain incompetence for life in general. Conversely, those who are employed maintain that status by working for their family, obtaining a college education, knowing somebody on the inside, kissing ass, blackmail, or owning something that everybody else wants.
Since you are on Encyclopedia Dramatica and reading this article, it is a fact that you are unemployed. The reasons for your unemployment can be a varied multitude, but the circumstance does not matter, the fact is, you are a lazy bum.
For those trying to understand why people sit at their computers all day, reading and editing this site, here is a list of excuses that EDiots will give when discussing their unemployment:
- The economy
- Drug addiction
- Basement dwelling shut in
While all of these given reasons sound good on paper, they are, at their very base, excuses for being derelict slobs who have no ambition in life other than to see the next video produced by that 1guy1jar freak.
There are several ways to energize a hobo should he be living under your roof, eating your food, and borrowing the money you worked so hard to gain. While these tips will not gain employment for your hobo, they will rid you of them... and that’s the point, isn’t it? Get somebody else to take care of the problem:
- Throw him or her out... and really mean it this time.
- Discuss rent/payment when it comes to the services you provide the unemployed person in your house.
- Post a list of chores where it is clearly visible to the unemployed. If they do not react, hand them a bucket and a mop and tell them to get busy.
- Hack him or her up, make mince pies and soup, sell them on the street, profit from some other person’s unemployment.
- Put a padlock on the refrigerator.
- Stop providing the unemployed with marijuana. Because you keep doing this, it is your fault they lack ambition and drive.
The second type of unemployment is actually a scam. This type of unemployment is the act of receiving money from some outside entity because you don’t have a job. That’s right, somebody is willing to pay you for not working.
Human beings have several traits which contribute to the practice of giving money to the unemployed. The first trait is human kindness, which to the outsider, appears to be a positive trait designed to help fellow human beings. But by examining the second trait, it will become apparent that human kindness is nothing more than a tool used to wedge open the unsuspecting public’s pocketbook. The second trait is the fact that humans are shiftless and loafing bums. Because of this, they are willing to go too far greater lengths than is necessary to obtain free money.
How The Scam Works
Because most human beings are kind at heart, they are colossal rubes and will pretty much believe any story you tell them as long as it pulls a heart-string or two. Unemployed people will go to great lengths to get their unemployment monies and will actually work harder trying to get that money than they would work if they were actually employed.
Human kindness, the main weapon a bum will appropriate to collect unemployment monies, will allow the unemployed to utilize the following tricks to bamboozle the doe-eyed and humane public:
- Broadcast of 24-hour news stories concerning the rise in unemployment rates. This is a “doom and gloom” tactic that is designed to make a working person feel bad for working…and it works.
- Show advertisements in all old media formats showing parts of town where property upkeep is at the barest minimum. Detroit is usually featured in this type of ad campaign.
- Get some person to go door to door in affluent neighborhoods asking for handouts. This tactic is especially lucrative if the person you scam into going door to door is himself employed by a charity.
- Skip all the pleasantries and just withhold taxes from your paycheck.
While human kindness is the main weapon of the unemployed, it is by no means their only weapon. Several other weapons designed to separate you from your money and hand it over freely to some out-of-work S.O.B. include:
- Electing liars who will make campaign promises and then go back on them the second their poll numbers go down.
- Introduce laws that were never voted on to begin with, thus not supported by common working people, but are designed to be an ATM card for your salary.
- When all else fails, they will forcefully remove your money from you at gunpoint and threaten you with incarceration.
How to Avoid Being Scammed
Get the Unemployed Back to Work
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