Utah is the eternal home of Mormons, Jello lovers, and those who still have a positive view of George W. Bush's presidency. It is most well known for its cultural homogeneity, vast National Parks, a large stinky inland ocean, and lack of booze. It is located in the void known as the Mountain Time zone, somewhere between Las Vegas and Denver. Due to an unwillingness for residents to talk to Mexicans, Utah's one bright spot is a reputation for having capital reefer.
In prehistoric times, the entire state was covered by what we now call "Bonneville Lake", which shrank to become the Great Salt Lake, an unusable waterway dead end that serves as a brine shrimp cemetery. This ancient lake turned most build-able land into swamp, which is unsuitable for building (like that never stopped anyone). Indian (feather) lived here in relative peace until the Mormons showed up in 1847, led by a fat, lustful polygamist named Brigham Young. Upon setting up home base in the Salt Lake Valley, the Mormons claimed a huge swath of land covering most of the Mountain West, including a strip of land down through Las Vegas and annexing San Diego, hoping for a sea port. Both Mexico and the United States governments quickly told the Mormons to STFU. Early Mormons ran the "Nation of Deseret" as communists, but managed to avoid any further run-ins with the government until the 1890's, when the army showed up and let the Mormons know that marriage was between ONE man and ONE woman. They also took grievance with the state for allowing the slaughter (in red face disguise!) of American Pioneers traveling through the state to California. In 1896, the Mormon church allowed the local government to prohibit polygamy, and was allowed to become a state as long as the federal government could appoint the first official governor. Since then the only things the State of Utah have accomplished are: The invention of Atari, the birthplace of KFC (despite the 0% negro population), and the invention of Television. Obviously Modern Utahns are fat and slovenly. Good thing they also invented the artificial heart.
Ogden is the kind of place that is almost cool, but ends up failing because the population is a bunch of rednecks. Ogden is basically Utah's San Bernadino. This is the city where you are most likely to be killed by a Mexican cartel or motorcycle gang, or arrested.
Salt Lake City
State capital and only outpost of reality in this strange land. Within the city limits, a visitor might come to the conclusion that Utah has gotten a bad rap. Then one will notice that all residents live in extremes. No normal people live there. Rightwing Mormon fascists mingle with Gay Vegan hipsters on fixed gears. Mexican thugs have shoot outs with wigga "crips". Oh and then there are the Tongans, you can't miss them, but watch out or they will trample you Jumanji style and eat your groceries.
Provo is the epicenter of the Mormon way of life. If you are not Mormon, it is advised that you stay out of this city. Rated 'R' Movies are routinely banned from movie theaters, draconian alcohol and public conduct laws are mercilessly enforced, and there are no beer sales allowed on Sunday. If you survive these terrors, your reward will be the throng of Mormon hotties you will encounter on the BYU campus, you can get them in the sack if you take them out for ice cream and propose marriage immediately afterwards. Don't feel bad about running away after you pop on her tits, the little jolt of reality you've just provided will serve her well. Vonnegut lives around here and wishes he lived in Salt Lake instead.
Cedar City is where all the little Mormon idiots run away to go to college. It is full of rich fucks and chavs who've led sheltered lives up to this point. The weather is completely fucking bipolar, but it's the perfect place to get a 2 year accounting degree and find a modestly dressed young lady to marry at age 21 before moving back home.
The Utah State Government is run completely by Mormons, and anyone who honestly believes differently is retarded. Almost all Utah related drama comes from the Government, or the Mormons ability to affect outcomes in other states as well. Racist public servants from the state like Senators Orrin Hatch and Bob Bennett, and Congressmen Chris Buttars and Jason Chaffetz, make national news at least once a year each for saying something completely fucktarded. The Utah State government has become adept at wasting federal road maintainance money and National Park subsidies. They also paid an ad agency over 1 million dollars to come up with the following slogan to increase tourism. ready?:
Did you buy your plane tickets yet?
All tourists to Utah are REI shopping yuppies. They come for the skiing, the National Parks, and the lulzfest that is Sundance Film Festival where they can watch movies about dikes. Also, the state's homo quotient goes up considerably for the Shakespeare festival in Cedar City. Unfortunate IT professionals and other convention bound suckers usually arrive in Salt Lake City only to find that the beer is watered down, mixed drinks are tricky to obtain, and the strippers are wearing pasties and a g-string. The Utah Jazz, the only major league sports team is a disappointing mess year after year, usually because the players hate living here so much they hope to be traded as soon as possible. All in all, tourists leave with memories of elitist locals and jumping through hoops to get weak cocktails, and no porn DVD's to show for their trouble.
Awful Shit to Come Out of Utah
- Mitt Romney
- Glenn Beck
- Napoleon Dynamite
- Dry Counties - Every county is a dry county!
- Politically Correct - Remember, it's not nice to make fun of Mormons. NOT! THEY ARE WEIRD! I MEAN, C'MON. MORMONS SAY WE'RE GOD SOULS FROM A PLANET CALLED KOLOB. THAT'S WACK SHIT, SERIOUSLY.
- Roseanne Barr✡