Uwe Boll

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I watched an Uwe Boll movie. Why did I do that?
 

 
 

Everyone

Jah, well fukk u allz.

Imagine that it’s after midnight. You are lying on your couch surfing through all 500 of your channels looking for something to watch. You managed to find a channel in which a movie just started and you go check your cable guide to see which movie it was. Then you forgot which channel it was. You put down your cable guide to check which channel it was and your remote suddenly disappeared and your TV guide did the same as well. You are stuck watching this movie until it ends.

When you finished watching it, you feel something funny. You feel as if you were raped in the eyes, you have this feeling of discontent and regret. You regret wasting that much electricity watching about one to two and a half hours and you hate looking forward to paying the electricity bill knowing that it will include the billings for the power that was wasted on that movie. Which movie was that? It was probably an Uwe Boll movie.

What is this... creature?[edit]

Other way around... but either way it's still shit.

Uwe Boll is known as God’s greatest and most generous gift to the world of movies, gaming and horror for his wonderful contributions to the entire world and tireless effort.

Haha, just kidding, Uwe is actually really fucking horrible. Allow us to reveal (or re-educate you about) who this man is and why he is seen as an utter menace to both horror and gamer fans alike. Uwe Boll, having a mysterious pronunciation of name, is known to have a single dream. That dream would be to make amazing and critically acclaimed movie adaptations of beloved video games so he can be loved among his fellow horror and video game nerds. Unfortunately in Boll's case, that dream is impossible to achieve and far from his reach.

 
 
Fuck uwe boll.Fuck him up his stupid ass.
 

 

—From a YouTube user. That's saying a lot.

Indeed, Boll has been panned constantly for the poor efforts put within the movie yet he would always – and we mean ALWAYS, imply that he is the greatest director. Of course, this is just Boll boasting his vast amount of unwarranted self-importance and, boy-howdy, does that piss off horror and gamer fanboys. Yet, despite repeating mistakes that people have criticized in his past movies, he still concludes that he is an absolute genius.

Uwe's Movie Career[edit]

No matter how crazy it sounds, it's still true.

One of the mighty highlights of Uwe’s life is his movie career. In Uwe’s world, the one word that would best describe his movies is “perfect”. The reason for that is Uwe Boll has a massive amount of USI. The reality is that Uwe is completely incompetent when it comes to making a watchable movie. Almost every aspect of his movies are criticized, including the actors, music, plot, scenery and whatnot.

It has also been rumored that Boll has been following the footsteps of the typical greedy Jew. Those footsteps would be to steal precious jewgolds, in this case, from the government, and use it to make something horrendous for all humankind. Uwe, along with some other people, have exploited a loophole found within the German tax law in which the Government would give them back 50% of the money they invested in the movie.

 
 
the reason I am able to do these kind of movies is I have a tax shelter fund in Germany, and if you invest in a movie in Germany you get basically fifty percent back from the Government.
 

 

—Uwe Boll, from the commentary of the movie Alone in the Dark.

Behold only a sampling of his stupendous movie plots:

  • Alone in the Dark
The only thing you really need to know about Alone in the Dark is that Uwe Boll fired the original script writer because there weren't enough car chases and explosions.
  • Blackwoods
Matt is haunted by the memory of a woman that he hit with his car years ago which alters his sense of reality. In the present, Matt and his girlfriend, Dawn, go away for the weekend. After going out to find Dawn, Matt gets attacked by her family and is found guilty of murdering the girl that he killed years ago. As punishment, he gets hunted down by the family in the forest. That’s pretty much it. Yeah…
  • House of the Dead
IT ALL STARTED WHEN WE WENT TO AN ISLAND TO GO TO A RAVE; however, the stupid idiots soon realize upon arriving that the island was taken over by zombies. The teens would have to take refuge within a house in order to survive the night. They used stock footage from the video game which makes the film even more piss-poor than it already is. However, if you watch it with someone with epilepsy, lulz are guaranteed.
  • Bloodrayne
In Eighteenth century Romania, an otherkin, Rayne, sets out to find her mother’s rapist who happens to be the king of vampires.
  • Bloodrayne 2
After one hundred years, Rayne finds herself in the town of Deliverance where a group of — get this — vampire cowboys lead by Billy the fucking Kid have emerged. Rayne has to stop Billy from slaughtering the townspeople and raping children in order to show the west has truly won.
  • Bloodrayne: The Third Reich
Same shit, only with the Nazis in some fuck-all town in the middle of Poland.

How the Raging Boll takes on his enemies[edit]

Uwe Boll Goes Postal.JPG
 
 
chris

your review shows me only that you dont understand anything about movies and that you are a untalented wanna bee filmmaker with no balls and no understanding what POSTAL is. you dont see courage because you are nothing. and no go to your mum and fuck her ...because she cooks for you now since 30 years ..so she deserves it. people like you are the reason that independent movies have no chance anymore. uwe boll PS: POSTAL is R RATED. The MPAA understood the satire -- you not -- you dumb fuck
 


 

—Boll, to the Ain’t it cool news guy

Like an adult baby, Uwe cries when anyone criticizes his acts of kindness. Because he was tired of his shitty movies getting negative reviews, he decided to take action. By mid-2006, Uwe Boll has challenged those who called his movies a steaming pile of crap to ten rounds of boxing. Now, it should be noted that besides being a horrible director, Boll is a semi-professional boxer.

<video type="youtube" id="B3M_wGfYewo" width="200" height="200" desc="Now, witness how Lowtax was beaten up like a red-headed stepchild." frame="true" position="right"/> One taker, which made this event hyped up, was Richard “Lowtax” Kyanka from Something Awful. Lowtax has claimed that Boll offered to pay him for writing the script for Alone in the Dark. Of course, Lowtax knows that a majority, if not all, movies based on video games will inevitably suck. Not even his magical scriptwriting and nerd skills would make this a good movie.

 
 
It was a mess. We knew we were in a terrible situation, and had written a script that was only going to confuse this poor guy. He kept asking us why the character in our script "Alone in the Dark," Edward Carnby, didn't have any special powers to battle monsters. We explained that the story revolved around suspense and a believable detective, based off the game. He replied by telling us he wanted to blatantly rip-off characters, as well as the tone of the films "Blade" and "The Crow."
 

 

—Lowtax

<video type="youtube" id="D1w4ZW72k98" width="200" height="200" desc="Uwe beats up a Michael Bay sex doll." frame="true" position="left"/>

Uwe’s mass shit-talking over YouTube has attracted the attention of Michael Bay, a much more popular and talented movie director known for having a number of awesome EXPLOSIONS!!!!! within his movie career. Bay was none too pleased with Uwe’s raging on video, and even replied to this bullshit on a forum.

 
 
I find people who rant like that - calling shit about both me, and George Clooney - comes from someone screaming because he is not being heard. He is obviously a sad being.

When you ask "do I care"? Not in the slightest.
 


 

—Michael Bay

Uwe, as expected, was angered at Bay for not worshiping the God he truly he is and responded very maturely. Because of that one post, Uwe has advised Bay to start training and get ready for a boxing match. Remember: Uwe is not to be messed with.

Petitions[edit]

They're doing this and this and that all WRONG!!!!
 
 
So hi here, sir, Uwe Boll, and I have a statement to make about ze Internets petition. Zere's a petition out to stop Uwe Boll, and I said if zere are 1 million, on ze petition I stop actually making movies.
 

 

—Uwe Boll

The internet began to take its own part within this shitfest. The butternets soon got tired of Uwe Boll trying to control and bitch at any forms of criticisms of his movies. As a response, video game nerds gathered together and formed a petition to stop Uwe Boll from raping yet another game franchise. Their goal was to reach up to one million in order to show Boll that nobody — nobody — wants to watch a movie made by him.


 
 
The second thing is that I was able to find was that actually Michael Bay and Steven Spielberg, under various different identitiez, posting ongoing that I should stop making movies and I know why: zey are afraid of the competition.
 

 

—Uwe Boll

After the anti-Boll petition reached over 100,000 signatures, Boll made yet another video on YouTube. He stated that only jealous people are repeatedly signing the petition because he is the true competition in the movie business. He has also called out Michael Bay and Jew and commentated on a movie saying that every single thing is wrong. In other words, he believes that only those who are truly superior can criticize him. Oh the irony...

What they say about the Uwe![edit]

Uwe Boll stamp by dazza1008.gif

From both his haters and lovers.

   
 
Every time i walk into a movie theatre and see that a new Uwe Boll film is playing, i get scared to death that the world will end and that uwe will be in my nightmares..... but there is a light at the end of the tunnel. the light is the OTHER movies playing at the theatres and i sigh of relive when i walk past the door of another video game buthery. i hope i have done my part in stopping this hell on earth and have ensured humanities surrvival.
 

 
 

—Johny

   
 
He finances his movies -and makes a living out of it- by using flawed German tax laws. This is terrible, but it's the German authorities in charge of the legislation that are more at fault here. The investors get tax benefits from financing his terrible movies -even more if they don't make money. So funds from tax revenue are being lost, and no good movies are being produced!
 

 
 

—F.S. Sanchez

   
 
You need to stop. Now. Because you have no idea how good movies are made. From RT.com "In the DVD commentary of Alone in the Dark, Boll explains how he funds his films: "Maybe you know it, but it's not so easy to finance movies in total. And the reason I am able to do these kind of movies is I have a tax shelter fund in Germany, and if you invest in a movie in Germany, you get basically fifty percent back from the Government." Ahhh, so that's how you can turn out the worst movies ever consistently. You should know that game-to-movie adaptations are one of the hardest things to do right. I'm not even sure if it has ever been done. Your Postal movie? I can't imagine a reason in the world that any theater would want to show that pile. How the hell are you considered a doctor? You need one for your head, thinking you are doing these game franchises any favors. The closest to good videogame movies have been, is the Resident Evil movies, which aren't the best, but at least better compared to your work.
 

 
 

—Todd

   
 
Man I really suck making movies, huh? Well I guess I can accept fact but I like making videogame movies. I know that Im kinda dumb but I still wanna box Micahel Bay to prove myself as a director.
 

 
 

—Uwe Boll on himself

   
 
This here has got to stop, many of his movies make bottom 10 lists along with others that never should be made. His movies will never be great in any marginal respect and doesn't come close to classics like The Godfather, Lord Of The Rings, or Psycho. This travesty has gone on long enough.
 

 
 

—James Brown

   
 
I LOVE THE UWE!
 

 
 

—Remy

   
 
After watching the video, I actually believe that Boll is at least on the same level as Eli Roth and Michael Bay if not better. I have never gotten an ounce of joy or anything from Eli Roth. I can enjoy Michael Bay for what he is. Uwe Boll however has provided me with hours of good times with my friends. I will most definitely be there opening night for Postal if it ever gets a real release.
 

 
 

—Robert Tiffin

   
 
Uwe Boll sounds like a retarded kid saying egg in spanish.
 

 
 

—Anon been anon

   
 
I LOVE UWE BOLL! MAY HE MAKE A THOUSAND MORE MOVIES LIKE 'ALONE IN THE DARK'!
 

 
 

—Gordon Williams

   
 
Uwe Boll is the greatest mortal on planet Earth (if he is indeed a mortal - I expect he is really God, as only the divine could make films of such egregious awesomeness that shatter the senses and engage the funk drive to warp 11)
 

 
 

—Dave Dee on not understanding the word "egregious".

   
 
Let's look at rotten video game films UWE BOLL DIDN'T MAKE!!!!!!! Super Mario Bros anyone? Street Fighter? Mortal Kombat 2? Doom? Or this scenario, how many CRAP games based on Films have come out? Hulk (crap film, dull game) or the multitude of tie in video games that really are bad based on successful films and are ready to go as soon as the film is released. UWE BOLL doesn't use this tired tactic, he makes films based on games that have been out for ages and DOES A DAMN FINE JOB OF IT TOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
 

 
 

—Lude


Uwe Boll Retires[edit]

Due to Germany changing their laws which no longer provides movie producers with half their money back for making a film in Germany, Uwe Boll is facing hard times and nobody wants to hire him to make a film. Blizzard Entertainment rejected Uwe's proposal to make a World of Warcraft movie.


   
 
"We will not sell the movie rights. Not to you....especially not to you"
 

 
 

—Paul Sams, Guy from Blizzard.

Since Uwe can't make a film which scores higher than 3.6 on iMDB, he resorted to Kickstarter to fund his next film, Rampage 3.

However, he was only able to raise $35,000 through crowd sourcing.

The result? Uwe retires.

I think we found Phil Fish a scooter brother.

Videos[edit]


How to pronounce his name the proper way.

Uwe roleplaying his influence


Galerie von Uwe Boll[edit]

[Collapse GalleryExpand Gallery]

Trivia[edit]

  • The correct pronounciation for his name is YOU BAAAALLL
  • All three of his latest films are in the bottom 100 films on IMDB [1].
  • Seanbaby has challenged Uwe Boll to a fight, but the filmmaker pussied out of his agreement.
  • Uwe Boll blew three famous film critics to get his films into theaters.
    • The first two film critics were not Gene Shalit.
  • Rumor has it that Uwe Boll plans on making a film version of Legacy of Kain. This may be a first for Uwe, as there is nothing he can do to this franchise that could fail any harder than what DeviantART members have already done.
  • Anal sex creates autistic children
  • Every time Uwe speaks, 14 children die in Africa, and 26 become orphans due to AIDS
  • Admiration of Boll has led to the English coining the adjective "Bollocks"
  • Boll once swallowed a live goldfish for €200.
  • His movies are all time favourites of Kim Jong Il.

See Also[edit]

External Links[edit]

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Featured article January 6, 2011
Preceded by
Focus on the Family
Uwe Boll Succeeded by
The Batman Rapist