Vancouver

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How Vancouver reacts when they lose at the only thing they are good at, Hockey.

Vancouver is an island-city in Western Canadia that proclaims itself Hollywood North, and fails utterly at trying to be the Amsterdam of the west. Also known as Skankcouver, Hongcouver, Vanistan, and the city of bums, but everyone knows is just a lame excuse for a Canadian Seattle San Francisco Portland, full of hipsters and tree hugging Asian immigrants who can't speak Engrish.

Local Culture[edit]

If Vancouver gets its way, this will soon be Canada's national flag.

Culturally, the city couldn't fill a paragraph, but here's one anyway. All Vancouver culture is stolen from b-rated American media, but because so much b-rated American media is actually produced in Vancouver, it creates a horrible feedback loop of stupid. You can't swing a machete without hitting some thugged-out Persian gangster retard or Canadian military morons looking to get stoned and laid by a local fat chick (not Vancouver's chief cultural export -- most of the fat chicks are actually from Surrey). Vancouver is desperately trying to reach Los Angeles levels in terms of vice and human scum -- this has been its only purpose since the city was established in 1091. Vancouver's chief value-added imports include spinny rimz and shitty raver drugs. To get cool drugs like LSD you have to go to Seattle.

Vancouverites are infamous for having a remarkable unwarranted sense of self-importance and arrogance, merely based on their geographical location of residence or birth. In Vancouver it is local custom to sip lattes while discussing why America sucks, and to bash larger cosmopolitan cities. Specifically, most Vancouverites have an unhealthy obsession with Toronto (another irrelevant Canadian city, though all of Canada is irrelevant), and newcomers are required to socially conform by expressing resentment towards the city ritualistically. Those who don't are ostracized and called Amerifags. Vancouverites try to bolster their fragile self-esteem by bragging about scenic mountains and the climate as if it was some tropical paradise. The annual temperature is a mediocre 10 degrees, the ocean is too cold for swimming, and high annual rainfall causes most Vancouverites to cry themselves to sleep. All in all, the Vancouver psyche is your snotty little 13 year old brother that tries too hard to one up you.

Azns are the most prominent stereotype in Vancouver and are the one thing that every other cultural group can unite against in shared hatred envy. As a result, Vancouver prides itself on being multicultural and tolerant. The top two pastimes of Vancouver residents include 'making fun of terrible AzN drivers' and 'being run over by terrible AzN drivers' and 'being shot by batshit crazy AzN gangsters stray bullets at 4am while trying to scarf down a Moons Over My Hammy'. Thanks to all the AzNs, Vancouver is a magnet for nerdy white males with yellow fever who were too ugly to get into Los Angeles.

Plentiful sushi and Starbucks, as well as bat-shit crazy mayors fuel Vancouver's drama. One of them was originally a Coroner and the subject of a TV drama series, Da Vinci's Inquest. When he became the mayor and created North America's first Safe Injection Sites (i.e. places where addicts can shoot up legally) they made a second series about him, Da Vinci's City Hall. The current bat-shit crazy mayor is best described to Americans as "Marion Berry in a wheelchair". (More like closet homosexual and ultra-socialist fuck Gregor Robertson.)

Vancouver's government system is unique -- its principality was sold to Hong Kong triads in 1998 and after a brief civil war, the city is now sub-governed by an electoral committee of Hells Angels. This multi-tiered government currently maintains the drug trade with its militia of armed mercenaries, also known as the RCMP. It is estimated that Vancouver's population is only around 5,000 people, the remaining houses and apartments being filled with dank nugz.

Crackheads and Hookers[edit]

Vancouver's eastside is ripe with Crackheads, Whores and the most corrupt cops in North America. Many of the whores are actual cops who want to make an extra buck on the side. All 3 usually hang out on Main and Hastings street and also at Pigeon Park. You can usually spot some needles and used rubbers on the sidewalk.

Film Industry[edit]

How Vancouverites drive ferries

Vancouver has a magnet-like tendency to attract crappy, low budget movie-makers, who flock annually to the city in great numbers. Thanks to this phenomenon, it is hoped that Vancouver will someday destroy the careers of Freddie Prinz, Jr., and Carrot Top. So far, Vancouver has been responsible for allowing the production of Freddy vs. Jason, Ballistic: Ecks vs. Sever, Daredevil and other sin-cursed abortions within their city limits. The sad fact is that no movie worth watching has ever been produced in Vancouver, or ever will be. It is not known whether this is due to a conspiracy on the part of Hollywood or due to the local aura of soul-stifling cultural vacuum that drains all goodness out of the films before they leave Vancouver. Most likely, any movie with enough money to have a decent script or actors will just stay in Hollywood in the first place -- thus, Vancouver is the toilet of the film industry.

As well, due to favourable exchange rates and/or exile from reputable film studios, television productions, particularly those with a sci-fi and fantasy bent, enjoy saving money and having a variety of locations all close by through filming in Vancouver. Canadians don't deserve to be paid much. Current examples include both Stargate series, The Collector, and Battlestar Galactica (the version with the hot sexdroids). Other terrible shows such as Smallville have stained this city with their presence but that is not something Vancouverites like to brag about.

Vancouver is also where they film the Twilight movies, and Robert Patterson can be found in back alleys, ingesting massive amounts of cum, to combat his allergy to vagina

Music[edit]

This nudist is directing a hovercraft on Wreck Beach.

As the city responsible for such musical monstrosities as Matthew Good, Bryan Adams, Marianas Trench, Elise Estrada, Nickelback (they're actually from Calgary, but close enough), and Sarah MacLachlan (who is really from somewhere in the Maritimes, but whatever), Vancouver has a lot of atoning to do.

Vancouver is also responsible for giving the world Skinny Puppy, Frontline Assembly and Strapping Young Lad, making the city the cultural capital of 12-year-old mall-dwelling emo and goth faggots who can't even spell Vancouver, much less point it out on a map.

Video Games[edit]

Vancouver is home to at least 100 video game development companies, most of which are staffed entirely by hobos. As a result, terrible level design is often based on terrible civil engineering in Vancouver alleyways, where most game developers live.

Vancouver contains offices for Rockstar, Backbone, Radical, Relic, and Next Level, all of which have wreaked ungodly horrors upon the world. 90% of games produced in Vancouver are cheesy online Flash timewasters or casual-game bullshit that "Bejeweled" did better two decades ago. The other 10% are EA's sports games, which are the video game equivalent of a stale slice of Wonderbread that someone has just shat on. When fratboys slam Jagerbombs after playing three hours of Madden, they're undoubtedly drinking to forget.

However, once in a while, these studios will produce something decent, at which point noone pays attention and the publishers are forced to admit that most of the money to be made in gaming is in the publicity machine. In an attempt to shut down this vicious cycle, Vancouver's south side, Richmond, is home to over 9000 asian video game piracy rings, many of which strangely have legitimate storefronts.

Sports[edit]

Vancouver has a rich sport history for being a city of losers.

  • Vancouver Canucks (1970 - Present, thanks to revenue sharing) - Aside from continually having the gayest uniforms in sports year-after-year, the Canucks have not won a championship since joining the NHL in 1970. In non-sport terms, the Vancouver Canucks are 40-year-old virgins.
  • Vancouver Grizzlies (1995 - 2001) - The Grizzlies were Vancouver's only other professional sport team in a league that actually mattered -- the NBA. Because Vancouver is too shitty to support more than one professional team, and because the team was consistently the worst in the league, the team relocated to Memphis.

2010 Winter Olympics[edit]

The Winter Olympics are a big deal. Just ask other insignificant cities you've never heard of like Albertville, Sapporo, Lillehammer, Calgary, and Sochi.

The 2010 Olympics were full of lulz. The Georgians failed epically when they decided they wanted to hit a pole. The mascots Sumi, Miga, Quatchy, and Pedobear are now famous, and it turns out Miga is what happens when a Bear and an Orca fuck. Who knew?

Canada spent more money per capita on Olympic athletic funding than any other country, and with over 9000 athletes representing Canuckistan in the games, they were determined to be the winnars of the Olympics. Under a campaigned called "Own the Podium," the 2010 Vancouver Olympic Committe's goal was to win the most medals recycled crap made by unemployed alcoholics in Indian reservation camps evar. Of course being Canada, they failed to win the most medals, but did pump in enough money to get results - Canada won the most golds in the 2010 Olympics. The "Own the Podium" campaigned then moved the goalposts and stated they reached their goal by getting the most golds. For the first time ever, Vancouverites and Canadians felt special and didn't need a nationalistic beer commercial to tell them so.

Vancouver & Divine Punishment[edit]

It has been prophesied by the sages of old that God will cause Vancouver to slide deafeningly into into the Georgia Strait by means of a tremendous earthquake, thereby killing off some two million people. Perhaps the eternal despair that is the Vancouver Canucks will fend off this natural disaster, though the betting odds are slim.

See Also[edit]

External links[edit]


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