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|See also the man who lost the Vietnam War (but got out in time to avoid blame)|
The Vietnam War was the largest medical experiment on human beings in history, the goal being to see if a country could survive the equivalent of atomic war. Only 3.8 million Vietnamese died during the experiment, proving that liberals worry too much about nuclear apocalypse.
Early Causes of the War
When the Emperor of Vietnam wasn't paying attention, the French invaded Indochina starting with the kitchen. The Emperor let this slide because the French are known to be harmless but then he got pissed when someone ate the last ice cream sandwich in the fridge and decided to kick them out. Just after the Emperor came back from the store to buy more ice cream sandwiches, he found that the Japanese had taken over and used his backyard for a barbecue party. Again, the Emperor didn't mind this time since he just wanted to eat his ice cream sandwiches. Later he changed his mind and decided to kick the Japanese out because they wrecked his pool. Meanwhile the French were waiting outside, hiding behind the bushes plotting to take over the kitchen again.
President Harriet E. Truman was still butthurt by how Eleanor Roosevelt verbally castrated him so he decided to take it out on some random country. By luck he saw that the French are trying to recolonize Indochina and decided to help them. Unfortunately, the French have the habit to surrender and retreat leaving the U.S. army to fend for themselves. He could have left after the French declared defeat (for the 9,000nth time) but he wanted his manhood back so badly he decided to stay and waste more money on a war he can't win and passing the burden to the next sucker in line for Presidency.
Vietnam Combat innovations
The Vietnam war saw the first deployment of a chemical weapon known as 'Facepalm'. It has the properties of being extremely fierce and hard to survive, but guarantees that the nation that uses it will lose the war it is fighting. The US has deployed it in every conflict since Vietnam, with consistent results.
The Vietnam war was a transitional period in warfare and introduced new techniques in modern warfare such as coating entire countries with carcinogens, carpet bombing rice patties, raping civilians (in a city comically called "My lai," get it?), pwning your ranking officer, selling guns to the enemy for drugs, and blasting Wagner as one flew into combat.
Vietnam combat tactics have had a far reaching effect on American military policy. Before Vietnam, the U.S. military's tactic was to fight wars to win them, by sending in overwhelming firepower and crushing opposition. In Vietnam, however, the United States decided to instead throw a decade long rave where they got pwned and later decided to blame Britain for not helping them, but it was ok because they had a chance to try out all those weapons that were too toxic to use on Europeans in WWII, with absolutely no consequences!
A rogue marine known as Ben Garrison first made a name for himself in Vietnam as ruthless and unhinged. He is known most prominently for his great massacres of villages, most of whom where innocent civilians and farmers. The most famous incident was the My Lai massacre in which Garrison wiped out an entire Vietnemese village using only his bare hands. This lead to his comrades referring to him as the "gook gutter Garrison". He was court martialed for his war crimes but escaped and continued the killing up until 1976 when he was payed off to leave with a sum in the billions of dollars by the communist government. He continued killing racial undesirables such as Jews and Negros and publishes anti-semitic political cartoons. The Jews have attempted to white-wash Garrison's history and created a liberal alter-ego as part of a propaganda strategy to subvert and mislead. The name "Ben Garrison" still strikes fear into the hearts of the Vietnemese farmers to this day and there are popular childrens stories and legends about him still told.
The Peace Movement
The peace movement was the U.S. military's most dangerous adversary during the war. Unlike The VC or VPA, the hippies' fighting ground was mostly on U.S. soil. Hippies routinely infiltrated American ranks undermining American GI's fighting ability and making pop culture back home in America into one big smelly hugbox.
Seeing as how Vietnam is all jungle and stuff, a lot of pilots and soldiers got lost (especially with all the drugs they were on) and ended up fighting in neighboring Cambodia and Laos. Honestly it was an easy mistake to make as the national pastime of Cambodia is killing people for no reason and having an outright hatred for westerners, much like the rural south. Many American soldiers felt right at home with this and brought this sensibility back to Vietnam in places like Mai Lai.
The End of the War and the fall of Saigon
The Hippies ultimately won the Vietnam war, causing American Culture to fall apart. In 1972, U.S. troops decided it would be better to Pull Out of Vietnam and return to the U.S. to become Hells Angels. To get the most lulz out of the situation the Americans decided to pull out all of their troops as quickly as possible while the VPA amassed huge numbers of troops at the South Vietnamese border.
The Americans left and hilarity ensued. The South Vietnamese army was massacred, sending all sorts of US sympathizing Vietnamese clamoring to the U.S. embassy for evacuation. When they got there they were all "Can wree get awlift prease?" and the Marines on duty were all like "THIS IS
SPARTA AMERICA!" *punt*. As a result the South Vietnamese all got pwned and the United States were forever butthurt at the thought they actually lost a war. To this day, Vietnam veterans still bitch about why they don't get a parade.
Notable Vietnam Vets
- John Kerry - Commanded a boat on the Mekong and was awarded three purple hearts. Later he decided he didn't like the war (because he kept getting shot) and switched sides to work with the Hippies.
- John McCain - Napalmed the shit out of Vietnamese villages before being shot down and imprisoned by 'Gooks', where he went on to produce propaganda for the commies.
- John Rambo - Singlehandedly stopped the Tet Offensive with a pistol and a survival knife. Ahhh just kidding! He doesn't exist. He was created as a feeble attempt to make butthurt veteran soldiers feel better because they couldn't fight worth a damn.
- Jane Fonda - Brilliant VPN commander responsible for shooting down John McCain over Hanoi.
- John Doe - Was a guy that got killed a lot.
- Charlie - Was known in the war for being a really elusive guy that didn't like to surf.
- Forrest Gump - A retarded guy ho ran reelly fast was gay and likes hiting on black chks in the park.
Americans expressing their fear of neked people living in bamboo huts
In addition to educating the people of Vietnam on the finer points of lunar topography, the US also provided a free program for communist atheists to teach them the colors of the rainbow, on the supposition that Bible-deniers would not understand where the spectrum comes from. This program had the added benefit of turning trees and other vegetation into empty space, through which rainbows can be more easily observed.
America unleashes its ultimate weapon.