In the grotesque land of weeaboos, ronery weeaboos often find themselves turning to technology for companionship. However, dating sims can only do so much for a man, and there's only so much Sailor Moon hentai out there to fap to. And besides: These series' of still images lack the all important sound of the female voice, offering the viewer the reassurance they so desperately crave and the sweet moans of the female orgasm. So, Japan's top scientists developed a program to emulate the sound of the female voice, dubbing it "Vocaloid", and market it as a music-making tool so their fellow otaku could pretend they are musicians when the cashier rings up their girl-in-a-box.
In order to aide the masturbatory process, and in keeping with Japan's perverse tradition of humanizing machines, each Vocaloid version comes with an accompanying female figure made to match the voice. The first to sell well, and still the most popular by far, is Hatsune Miku, who despite being the oldest and most antiquated of the current V2 series (The first line of the software series to actually fucking sell anything), continues to be put to work more often than the rest of her digital friends. Not to mention, the most fapped to of Vocaloid's female cast.
Surprisingly, and in a turn of events not typical for the Japs, there actually exists more non-hentai fan-created content of Vocaloid characters (Original music videos, full-length albums, and attempts at producing fanime) than there does fapping material. Some chalk it up to the program's practicality as a music-making tool. Some argue that weeaboos are so aroused by the sound of the female voice, they need not witness a woman in the nude in order to masturbate to climax.
Whatever the case may be, there is no denying the impact Vocaloid has had on the music industry. After the shocking confirmations that both Britney Spears and Lady Gaga are merely Miku lip-synchers, and taking into account the astounding amount of Vocaloid music videos available on Nico Nico Douga (The Japanese version of YouTube), Vocaloid is a veritable media powerhouse. With real J-Pop superstars having contributed their voices to the technology (Including the likes of Gackt and some other pop-star cunts you should be ashamed if you know the names of off-hand), a PSP game starring Miku (Which sold poorly due to the fact that nobody still gives a shit about the PSP), and even a Vocaloid-sponsored racecar in Japan's Super GT Series, Vocaloid's success is a historic example of the influence porn has on the economy.
They are actually the first Vocaloids but all weeaboos disregard that. Unlike their Japanese counterparts, they don't have kawaii avatars. PROTIP: Point this out to the weeaboos and watch them go in denial and maybe an hero.
The first Japanese Vocaloid. Fans bitch about her voice because it isn't kawaii like Miku-chan's ^_^ so she's ignored. Everyone still draws her for the tits.
Kaito was the last in the line of the original V1 series, and sold about as well as McDonalds at a PETA convention. However, after Miku made Vocaloid a household name, renewed interest in the product line's past allowed for Kaito to make a comeback (The four who came before him, however, are still shrouded in obscurity, as they sound legitimately terrible). He is known for his friendly, tender, strong voice, and according to some members of the fandom, is life partner to Len (Further reading: "Quotes"). Of course, the latter "fact" is unlikely, as THEY AREN'T FUCKING REAL PEOPLE. Regardless, the Yaoi loving fangirls enjoy drawing the two screwing eachother in every way you can imagine.
Kaito is still rarely used, as Gackpoid aka Gakupo Kamui (Featuring the vocal talents of none other than Gackt himself) boasts a far manlier, higher quality voice. He's also been confirmed to have an update to Vocaloid 3
By far the most popular cunt of the bunch, Miku is the "singer" of many songs and the subject of much fan art. With her impossibly green hair and her trademark gigantic leek, Miku has won over the hearts of millions of weeaboos, despite never having been given an actual personality by her original developers. However, this has not stopped said weeaboos from wanting to make her their wife, so she can cook onions for them all day long.
Miku is not the first in a long line of the Japanese making computer software human, but she is perhaps the most popular in recent years. Songs have been written about her being a princess, a rock and roll super star, and a filthy cum-guzzling slut servicing the weeaboo masses.
Having slept her way into the old media, appearing in television commercials and making actual news headlines, Miku is fast on her way to becoming the new Oprah (If Oprah were a computer program and not black). 2channers are also responsible for vote-bombing a petition set forward by the Japan Aerospace Exploration Agency, to have a balancing plate for the spacecraft Akatsuki made with Miku's likeness embedded on it. Perhaps we should just go ahead and welcome our new software overlords, and maybe get to fuck our computers once before we humans are phased out of existence by green-haired music-making applications.
Rin and Len Kagamine
Having discovered a voice actress that could produce the sound of both a girl's and boy's voices, the next installment of Vocaloid was released as a 2-in-1 deal, featuring twins Rin and Len Kagamine. Apparently, both characters are actually one in the same, and are actually the reflections of one another in a mirror or some bullshit that isn't properly explained. But, for all intents and purposes, and according to most weeaboos with incest fetishes, the two are brother and sister, and enjoy long nights of noisy steamy incestuous intercourse.
Perhaps their biggest claim to fame is Rin's appearance in the motion picture epic, Ultimate Muscle Roller Legend, where she stars alongside Billy Herrington as a creepy-looking steamroller driver. To date, her brother Len is still entirely useless, as Rin is the female of the pair, and the majority of the population is still straight. That isn't to say there aren't those out there who don't want to slip their dick between Len's cheeks and shove, but there aren't nearly as many who want to actually hear him sing. His legion of fangirls and fanboys are very scary.
People also apparently hate these two as they're killed in every single song they sing. And if they're not killed, Len is cross-dressing.
The 3rd Addition to the v2 Series. This is known to be the first Japanese Vocaloid to sing in English. She is actually voiced by a man, so most of her songs sound like Lady Gaga's. She also lugs around a big tuna fish that's been out of the freezer for over 9000 hours for your listening and fapping pleasure.
For whatever reason people use Luka a lot for metal music. Here's an example. She's also sometimes paired as Miku's lesbian lover. Some fans bitch that she doesn't wear a school uniform but she's like 20, what is she going to be doing wearing one ofo?
Sonika is probably the least popular Vocaloid, because she can't fucking sing to save her shit. Sonic), a pineapple (Because her color scheme resembles one), or a bell (Due to one of her abysmal original songs, . Designed to sing in English but was falsely advertised to sing in all languages. Sonika's avatar has a Japanese tattoo on her arm which boosts her appeal to the Japanese as well as the "Japanese at heart". It's also a known fact that her voicebank's sampled from Skype sounds to cut costs.She still has a small number of fans though, and they bitch over if her "character item" should be a gold ring (Because of
Fans still bitch that her looks do not match her soft voice. The original design team still swim in pools of their own profits. Put it together, and you do not have a recipe for change.
Big Al is called big to compensate for the fact he has a small penis.
Because English Vocaloids don't really sell, they decided to slap a gay pornstar's pic as the boxart to boost sales and it didn't work. As a last attempt to appeal to the weeaboo fandom zero-g decided to redesign him as a pony.
By the time a newer version of Vocaloid was released, some Korean developers decided to create their own realistic-sounding Vocaloid by the Name of "SeeU". She can sing in Korean and Japanese and already has 5 demo songs and 1 official song; She's relatively new and has a medium-sized following of weeaboos that are also into Korea. It was revealed recently that North Korea made SeeU in co operation with Iran in order to take control of South Korea, the nearest "Westernized" country to them. They expected WWIII but merely got basement-dwellers and weeaboos in America to wage Internet-war over her not being Japanese.
The only English vocaloid the fandom cares about.
The first Spanish Vocaloids. Weeaboos hated their first design so much that they actually threatened the artist with death. Other than the fact that they made lulz from the faggotry of fans, there's nothing else about them. Fans depict Bruno as a brony. El Español de España es el mejor ahora iros a tomar por culo.
Hatsune Miku bootleg.
Vocaloid version of Hannah Montana in Spanish.
A voicebank sampled from a garbage can.
Luo Tianyi clone.
Lady Gaga as a Vocaloid. Can actually speak English and not incoherent, mispronounced syllables.
The savior of the English Vocaloids and will overthrow Hatsune Miku. A professionally designed English Vocaloid created by an adult man. She's a great investment for anyone who wants to work with your average shitty 16-year-old singer on YouTube, but can't risk being around a real one. The guy who made her got massively butthurt when fans dared to call her a weeaboo bitch and racially impure. To date, only five people legally bought a copy.
Originally a Hatsune Miku clone, now a Yuzuki Yukari clone. At least China is learning.
Superior Kagamine Len, same cancerous fans.
A Japanese Vocaloid with a terrible OC design from DeviantArt. Advertised to fulfil lolicon fantasies.
Pathetic attempt to try to make a good version of Leon and Lola. They come with the VOCALOID 5 engine by default because Yamaha knew that noone would unironically use these.
Not an actual Vocaloid, but rather a "UTAUIoid"; a freeware alternative to the real Vocaloid series. The work of vip@2ch, Teto was originally designed using said UTAU software, and was jokingly advertised as being an "upcoming Vocaloid", in what basically boiled down to her designers trolling Vocaloid fans. Eventually, when the Vocaloid community realized they had been trolled, they got over the fact they had been lead along and began the masturbation-initiation ritual for her. Having written her personality, arbitrarily deciding that she is a chimera and has a love of french loaf, they began work on producing songs and music videos starring her, giving her the full Vocaloid treatment.
The bulk of her songs are, or . The shtick is as annoying as it sounds.
Not really. Some fangirl made an UTAU of herself using an old 4chan meme as a base. His character item is a "yaoi paddle". He only has fans because he's yaoi bait and the "creator" creates other characters that likes to stick their dicks in him
T-Pain might as well be a Vocaloid. He is the closest thing to Miku Hatsune irl.
Songs / Music Videos
As mentioned before, Vocaloid is marketed as a music-making tool (The key word being "Marketed", as it's true purpose is already well-established). Somehow, between the marathon fap sessions and day-dreaming of romance, music and accompanying music videos are actually made. Here for your viewing pleasure is a selection of some of the more popular videos. If you enjoy these videos, congratulations: You are officially a weeaboo! You'll receive your anime body pillow and the latest L'Arc-en-Ciel album by mail shortly.
<center>Like, totally THE BEST FREAKIN' MUSIC VIDEO EVER!!!!11!!11oneone!!</center>
Some people actually make un-official Vocaloid songs based off of actual songs. And don't even ask about the fucking point of creating a program to sing songs in a female voice if there are actual females willing to sing shit themselves. Oh, wait: It's because the only girls willing to sing this shit sound fucking terrible. Misogyny, you say? View the videos below and see, er, suffer for yourself.
<center>Weeaboos still tend to be near her...</center>
Fan BaseThe fanbase is made up of the most vile hipster weaboos one could ever imagine. Their general, severe lack of intelligence (and inability to fucking hear anything) is one way to spot them from the other weaboos. They can't even say "Hatsune" or "Miku" without sounding like a retarded child getting their mouth smashed in by their parents. Many of the fanfaggots enjoy making their own 'original' characters and singing badly, using these as porn for you to try and fap to (if you can tolerate their prepubescent chorus-of-squirrel voices). To see a cluster of these Vocaloid lovingVocaloid Otaku Network. This is essentially the hub for everything Vocaloid (and Touhou for some reason). It is the perfect place for you if you happen to suffer from Autism or ADHD and have an interest in trite garbage that's even reviled in Japan. If you dare try to critique this shithole on another completly different website, you will make the glorious moderators very butthurt. See an example here! 
There have been multiple live performances done by Crypton's Vocaloids. Each time seemingly getting more and more realistic. Most fans either an hero or ejaculate at the thought of possibly seeing Miku as a hologram. Despite the fact that she's merely a projection on a transparent screen, fans will defend the idea of "SHE IS HOLOGRAM!1!!!!" to the death. While in reality, there's only been a single time when she was an actual hologram. The other Vocaloids are commonly left out and only have a few songs throughout the concerts because Crypton realized that Miku's one of the easiest ways to get money. This Satanic ritual occurs every March 9th without fail, and all of the faithful fans gather there with their leeks glowsticks and chant to their glorious Holographic Master Race. If you think that the idea of a concert with a hologram is ridiculous, then you would be surprised to know that people from all around the world travel to see these concerts apparently.
Trolling the fanbase
Like most fanbases, the main audience is composed of mental defectives, Hipsters, faggots and weeaboos. Unlike most, the fanbase is composed of ADHD patients and sociopaths compared to actual autists and outright faggots, like another fanbase we know. Therefore they all have no attention span and cant process your attempt at trolling, very similar to the Homosucks. Which are one of the most retarded fandoms ever. Then again, they worship grey skinned alien people with candy corn horns. Another retarded thing about them is that the fanbase is divided into the Youtube/VO faggots, who will flip their shit by saying as much as "hi" to them. Then there's the "normal" ones that browse /a/ or don't give a fuck about communicating with their fellow social failures.
- Saying they'll all never have a wife and that they'll spend the rest of their lives wanking to a blue-haired anime-ish
- Asking if a Vocaloid anime has happened or suggesting that a Vocaloid anime should happen, they hate this
- Saying "omg voceloid favret anime xD"
- Saying that incest is wrong, same applies to lesbians. Apparently the community can't accept normal relationships
- Telling them that Crypton's Vocaloids have shitty voices
- Call them worse than Bronies or even better, pose as a Brony and start pushing your inner autism on them
- Tell them that the whole fanbase has ADD, ADHD or Aspergers
- Tell them that they're perverts for liking it and that anyone who indulges in it is a pervert
- Say Deviantart is the best place for their faggotry
- Sharing MMD (MikuMikuDance) stuff. For some reason the MMD community gets incredibly butthurt (more so than the RIAA does about piracy) about people sharing their content. So they hide passwords to download stuff and demand comments when you do download (and threaten to delete the mods if you don't).
- MMD Model makers are even more incredibly butthurt when nude models are created and shared. A well known model maker named TDA gets extremely butthurt about nude versions of his models. In fact he gets so pissed he goes all Hitler and raids Vimeo and random forums to delete videos and downloads of nude versions of his models. SO SHARE THE NUDE MODELS!
- Tell them Vocaloid sucks because it isn't real singing
- Telling VO that any Vocaloid should be white
- Be a YAMAHA employee.
- Reverting the Ruby section of this article from whiteknights deleting it.
Here is also a effective way of trolling them
- Gorillaz (Animated, makes music and shitty fan base)
- Mikuchan (An imageboard dedicated to Vocaloid)
- OS-tan (Software as animu)
- Ultimate Muscle Roller Legend (Featuring Kagamine Rin)
- T-Pain (Closest thing to a real Vocaloid character IRL)
- UTAU The Alternative to Vocaloid
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|Featured article February 28 and March 1, 2013|
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Ambrose Bierce and William Randolph Hearst