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James Paul Von Helton has the dubious distinction of having crammed more insane bullshit into his head than any other person in the world. Most online nutjobs are content to JUST think that the aliens are out to get them, or that their surgeon wants to kill them for being a transsexual, VonHelton goes the extra mile to incorporate absolutely everything into his crazy fantasy world. However, the thing that really makes VonHelton stand out from the teeming masses of the internet is that he believes that he is the Marvel comic book character, The Punisher.
- 1 History (The Crazy Version)
- 2 History (The Non-Crazy Version)
- 3 Ancestry
- 4 Religion
- 5 The Toothless Vampire
- 6 MS 13
- 7 Self Importance
- 8 Von's Supporting Cast
- 9 Quotes
- 10 See Also
- 11 External Links
History (The Crazy Version)
VonHelton was a child prodigy who could name and spell every dinosaur and invented the stealth fighter when he was seven. He quickly followed this with the invention of the ion drive. Spending many days in the library studying, he learned both his parents were Illuminati and that Jesus was not God but the Messiah. Von also took martial arts classes, his first steps to becoming a ninja. He joined the Naval Sea Cadet Corps and was quickly recruited for the military.
The officers were fueled with an irrational hatred for him, ruining his day in between the brave flurries of fighting pimps. Any attempt to transfer units was to take at least a year, so he was told he can either wait it out or "serve in a civilian capacity." He chose the latter, top secret work as a superhero in the special forces. At some point NASA stole the ion drive from him and was forced to send a black ops unit to kill him in order to stop any law suits he had planned against them. With nothing but his special forces training, he was able to single handedly wipe out the entire squad in what would be the biggest gun battle in Kentucky to never make the newspapers. Although luckily he was not hurt by military sharp shooters, his cat was killed. But he laid hands on his cat and brought it back to life. It would live to be 25 years old before succumbing to cancer. In an attempt to reconcile differences, VonHelton offered his services to NASA as a space marine. NASA refused his offer, citing his lack of a useless degree while pretending not to know about the idea of a space marine.
He was happily married to one Pamela Sue Withrow until one of his children miscarried, and the other died shortly after birth. He discovered that this was done by Satanic new world order agents, who sent Satan himself to Von Helton's trailer. But Von was able to rebuke Satan with the power of Jesus. Afterwards his wife's cousin brainwashed her into divorcing him; and VonHelton then briefly joined a satanic cult which sacrificed babies to the devil. Later, he wandered the country fighting criminals, and demons, eventually learning that he was, in fact, a vampire. After years of working as a vigilante, he finally retired to a trailer in his mom's backyard to study majik and warn people about the new world order.
History (The Non-Crazy Version)
VonHelton, born Irvin Eugene Helton Jr., dropped out of community college, was kicked out of the army for being a fuck up after spending nine months driving tanks, and spent most of his life getting paid to clean shit in his parents' nursing home. Then he found the internet, and discovered he could forget about what a failure his life was by pretending to be a badass online. And thus a never ending saga of drama began.
Von at the age of 24
Fun fact: Von was married at the time of this video.
VonHelton first reared his head on the Atheist/Agnostic board on About. He made perfectly reasonable posts about how he could raise the dead and generally telling them how they would burn in hell. As the flame wars escalated, he began to openly anticipate the apocalypse, during which his online enemies would be turned into demonized zombies, which he could then kill. When no one was intimidated, he quietly left the site and converted back to paganism.
Von branched out into multiple subcultures on Delphi, becoming a part of the vampire, pagan, and science fiction communities. This is when he first mentions his vampirism and majik skills. He desperately tried to use this to get sex from fat goth chicks, whining about how he was a lonely creature of the night and ranting about how girls he met online were one of his two "vampire soul mates" and needed to drink his blood to finish their transformation. He finally managed to lure one 16-year-old girl from Canada to his trailer for hawt vampire sex.
A poster on Delphi messages boards prophesied that Von Helton would meet his future wife there and so began the methodical harassment of every female who posted in any forum he happened to visit there. If the female was cordial with him, he never let up until the point where she would be forced to be blunt about her non-interest in him and then he would accuse her of plotting against him. He claimed to have a lucrative home business in computer repairs that had been ruined by Delphi members. He then went on to tell one women she would never be able to find his house because you had to hike up a mountain to get there. For awhile he railed against the "homosexual agenda" while advertising for two bisexual women looking for a male love interest.
Meanwhile, real soldiers and martial arts enthusiasts were getting tired of VonHelton claiming to be a master ninja and ex-special forces agent. They called him out on it, which resulted in several epic thousand post long threads. Evidence of Von being a liar was posted. Death threats were made. Lolsuits were filed. People were challenged to ninja duels. Someone called VonHelton's neighbors and told them he was a "vampire". In short, lulz were had by all. VonHelton responded by claiming that they used black majik to kill his cat and tried to have him assassinated by the government for falsely claiming to have been in the special forces. This dragged on for years, until he was finally banned.
VonHelton finally found a group that would put up with his schizoid raped narcissistic personality disorder: conspiracy theories. By focusing on bullshit they already believed, he was able to feel important without alienating anyone. According to Von, he started on youtube by watching girls apply makeup and getting them to subscribe to his channel if he would subscribe to theirs. The typical VonHelton video is 40 minutes long and involves Von in the same shirt he's been wearing for two weeks reading the title of an online article to his presumably illiterate fans, then repeating the same few phrases several times. He also does really shitty karaoke.
Lately, Von has been reduced to just loading shitty karaoke videos or whining about the trolls for sympathy, since he was outed wanting naked pictures of a child. Now he spends much of his time playing CarTown on Facebook.
Von even suggested numerous youtube trolls ripped his wife's cervix and were all facing double homicide charges if his wife miscarried their twins. Von claims when the weather gets better in Kentucky that he's going to see to it that all the trolls on youtube are in jail for harassment and attempted murder.
Like every other social reject on the internet, VonHelton eventually started playing a MMORPG. He bragged that he could defeat players who were a much higher level than him, with predictable results. This led to a crusade against the PvP system, claiming that the "extra code" to allow for PvP combat slowed down the server. After the entire player base told him to STFU, he threatened to fly to Korea to personally have the developers remove PvP and ban everyone who had disagreed with him. He eventually quit Rappelz and 3000 other players left with him in solidarity. He then joined CABAL online, where he did the exact same thing all over again, this time also trying proposing marriage to random Korean girls in exchange for a green card.
Recently in the gaming world, Gummy has moved on to Star Citizen, a game that all nerds everywhere are creaming themselves over. Citizen VonHelton has once again taken up the crusade against PvP, stating that it will lead to ganking in the game. He claims that the original pitch for the game involved no PvP, when in fact, it was stated by the developers that there would be some PvP elements with more added if funding goals were met. But, this hasn't stopped The Gummisher from bitching about how he has been all but defrauded out of his money based on a false premise. For the most part, the neckbeards and MMOfags on the forums have seen through his bullshit. They have come to the realization that his real issue with PvP is that he is just a shitty player and that despite his awesome ninja and special forces training, he just isnt good enough to face real people in a test of skill. For the time being, VonHelton hasn't threatened to fly to the developers and force them to remove PvP from the game, but only time will tell. As of the time of this writing, Gummy has been banned twice from the forums in a week and many lulz are being had by all.
Von once had a blogTV channel, also ostensibly about aliens and conspiracies. However, it was mostly just "watch VonHelton sit in front of his computer talking about boring shit all day," occasionally broken up by trolls. He was also feeling especially lonely, and kept trying to get women to come to his house in preparation for solar storm that will destroy the world, so that he could protect them. This made it ridiculously easy for trolls pretending to be women to get channel operator status or be given his cohost spot, which led to much lulz. After complaints about him being a racist hate monger for having a poll on "What Should We Do About The Muslims?", his account was temporarily suspended, and, when he got it back, he immediately went on a screaming rant about how Muslims had been killing people for billions of years. He responded to the ensuing banning of his account the way any sane person would, by calling the FBI, CIA, KGB, and Mossad, and trying to have blogTV shut down for running a child pornography ring.
Years later on his new BlogTV account, Von was ironically busted asking for naked pictures of what he believed was a fourteen year old child that went by the screen name "kelly414014." Von claims the pictures were imperative in order to verify her identity. He later said that he only wanted the pictures so he could show his wife and tell her the child was coming to live with them in their trailer in Kentucky. He often discussed his desire for a plural marriage and is actively seeking bisexual men and women who don't judge people based on appearances. No, I am not kidding. He tried and failed to explain his actions on youtube and BlogTV only to change his story nine times. After losing nearly 800 subscribers, he did a video blaming five internet trolls. He then asked "where are the benevolent E.T.s?".
Von claims that he has royal blood from all four grandparents, to be a descendant of Vlad Tepes, Robert Frost's nephew, and to be Cherokee. Half of all US citizens have some royal blood, so the first claim is actually possible (though he probably doesn't know for sure and is just making it up regardless). Being descended from Vlad Tepes is pretty obviously made up, since it fits just too well with Von's claims to be a vampire and his dislike of Muslims. Robert Frost only had one sibling, who died in 1929. Even if he were somehow still his uncle, his parents would have to have been in their 90s-100s when Von was born which.... explains a lot, actually.
Von's supposed ethnicity is hilariously impossible. He claims to be Cherokee, Dutch, German, Romanian, Jewish, English, and Scottish. More specifically, he is some nebulous amount of Cherokee, and mentioned the first four as his family's "four sides," so presumably he has one grandparent of each, and is thus 25% Cherokee, 25% Dutch, 25% Bavarian German, and 25% Romanian. He has enough Scottish blood to have been "born with red hair," so one may say at least another 25% Scottish. Factoring in the English blood from Frost's family, Von is actually somewhere between two and four people.
Von liked to claim to be a German Jew back on About, especially during any talk of the Nazis, but he hasn't mentioned it in a while. He's abandoned the claim of being Jewish, nominally because a Rabbi told him that Jewishness only passes through the maternal line, not paternally, but really because his fellow conspiracy mongers know Jews did WTC.
No longer able to pretend to be Jewish, Von turned to the Cherokee as minority he could claim to be part of to make himself more speshul. This is obviously untrue (just LOOK at the guy, for God's sake). He first claimed to be only a quarter Cherokee. Originally just his maternal grandmother was Cherokee, being a "Cherokee Princess." Apparently, this wasn't special enough, and at some point he began claiming to be 75% Cherokee, with his maternal grandfather being upgraded to "part Cherokee." He has also claimed his Cherokee blood to be variously 43%, 50%, 100%, "Over 100%," about 140%, and even over 200%. Not that any of his parents were full blooded Cherokee. Rather, they were all partially Cherokee, but add up to give him 100% Cherokee blood. He is really only about 5% Cherokee, descended thrice in his tangled tree from Chief Red Bird. This is made slightly funnier by his claim that Obama is not technically black as he's "75% Arab, 20% white, and only 5% black." He likes to stick with the most random value of all, often saying that he's "at least 43%." Von's true ancestry is mostly English.
Von will bring up his pretend Cherokee heritage during any talk of racism. He hates middle easterners and blacks, once making the Freudian slip "..the black ones... I mean the bad ones." When confronted with this, he invariably claims that he can't be racist because he's Cherokee or because he is "mixed race."
The Cherokee claims also serve his flag-waving. Von, like most conspiracy nerds, is a closet white nationalist, and is too afraid to face the lack of popularity and social proof that comes with being one. As an Anglo-Saxon American, he would have every right to claim America as the country his ancestors established and in whose soil they are buried; but as a massive coward who still wants to be praised for his patriotism and claim America as his own, he goes the liberal route of pretending he is some savage Indian.
Von was raised as, and still is, a fundamentalist Christian. Of course, there are simply too many Christians in America to make him feel special, so he claims to be a Pagan. His brand of "Christo-paganism" is blatantly just Christianity with the serial numbers filed off. Satan is renamed as the most "evil" sounding deity: Loki, Set, Hades, etc. The afterlife is exactly like the Christian one, with good people going to a paradise (e.g. the Elysian fields) and evil ones going to another (e.g. Hades). Modern American fundamentalist morality is, by astounding coincidence, exactly like that of the ancient religions (e.g. the Greek gods disliked homosexuality, etc.). When not reminded that he's supposed to be Pagan, Von usually slips up and refers to God instead of gods, uses "we" to describe Christians, curses Jehovah for making his life a shitfest, and so forth.
Ironically, he's a much better Christian now than when he was an actual Christian. Von's version of Christianity was centered around killing "demonized zombies" during the end of the world. His theology owed more to Doom than the Bible. Of course, even THAT isn't badass enough, so he claims to have spent some time as a Satanist. He claims to have been more evil than his group of Satanists, who committed "infanticide." Despite being the Punisher, he doesn't seem to have turned himself in to the proper authorities for punishment for whatever it is he did. Fucking them, probably, since raping babies is probably the only thing "more evil" than killing them.
Von's religious history is a tangled mess. He was raised Christian, then converted to Satanism, then Wicca, then he started pretending to be a Christian which eventually led to him converting back to Christianity before finally converting back to paganism. Then in 2011 he claimed he was always a Pagan and never pretended otherwise, but today he is back to being a former Christian.
He now claims different gods rule different "sectors" of the universe - obviously a way to allow for say Thor to exist...he just is apparently the god of the Andromedans rather than the Germans.
Von seems to think he's important to God. He claims that the gods promised him "A great and glorious future that will benefit all of mankind." He also thinks he's some kind of miracle worker. He claims to be able to heal people, control the weather, and raise the dead. When his cat, Garfield, was shot, he healed him. Unfortunately, the trolls at Delphi used black "majik" to make the cat die anyway. He also claims to be able to summon angels, but says Gabriel couldn't have appeared to Mohammad because it is difficult for angels to get to Earth. So, God can't send any angels to grant visions to a prophet, but He can spare a few to fuck with people who were mean to Von on the internet. If he didn't "convert to Paganism" to seem cool to a bunch of goths, or because of his pipe-dream of multiple wives, then this probably caused it, as he would have been kicked out of any church as soon as he started ranting about how he can raise the dead.
Von is a devout polygamist, forever working on his all but failed attempt to build a harem of wives made up of barely legal young women he has met online and fear-mongered into moving in with him in order to create an elite race of inbreds who will infect future generations. This nagging fantasy of a menage a trois infects his entire worldview. An attempt to out-invert the inverts. He also seems to be jealous of the likes of Charles Manson and David Koresh. He hates that damn apostle Paul (only God knows why the dumbass chose it as his pretend middle name) for making Christianity into a religion while Jesus intended it to be some vague, contradictory polytheistic beliefs held to entrap multiple teenage goth girls. This is one of his prime motivations for eschewing the title 'Christian.' Mormon apparently was not cool enough.
His views on other religions are extremely simple. Other religions good, atheism and Islam bad. According to him, all Atheists are Communists and vice versa. Islam, meanwhile, is a cult and needs to be destroyed. His idea for stopping them is to "nuke the Kaaba," because that will prove Islam wrong. It won't spawn a huge jihad or anything. After that, they should bomb Mecca and Medina too, just for the lulz I guess. Von knows that Allah is deceiving Muslims, he's just a Pagan moon god! He doesn't seem to remember that he is supposed to be a Pagan, and that you can't use your own religion as an insult.
Von seems to believe that other religions are just Christianity with a paint job, much like his own "paganism." For instance, he thinks that Hindus don't mind people mocking Krishna, but will be up in arms over people mocking Jesus, because they know he died for their sins. Also, Krishna was born to a virgin, had twelve disciples, and died and was resurrected three days later. How Von would react if he ever realized that different religions are actually different is unknown, but given how he reacted to learning Islam isn't just a carbon copy of Christianity, probably not well.
One most bizarre part is his inability to distinguish race and religion. He believes that Muslims are an ethnicity, "Muslims that leave Islam are great people," "Barack Obama is 75% Muslim." He has also listed Atheists, Buddhists, and Hindus among the races who have subscribed to his youtube channel. It further shows his attitude towards brown people, for it is likely some odd smokescreen for him to say he hates Islam but not the people who practice it, yet has the opposite effect.
The Toothless Vampire
Von and health
When one first encounters Von, he will inevitably notice Von is in ill health. His lack of exercise, bathing, nutrition, or any initiative to clean his room or brush his teeth or better himself in any way has rendered him the look of a catfish not a day over 100 years old. The Helton family has a record of long life, and the tension between his genes and his health is a source of great suspense.
Teeth or lack there of
The most glaring fact of his lack of hygiene is his lack of teeth, followed closely by his worn face, and surely his smell. Von claims he has no teeth due to either being a vampire and the entire structure collapsing from his "fangs" getting removed as ordered by his cruel mother or that evil fluoride in the tap water. As one can guess, he was just too lazy to ever brush his teeth. Because of this von has gone through serious facial collapse.
Bathing and clothes
Von wears the same shirt for days on end, and obviously doesn't bathe often if ever. He tries to play this off by either pretending he washes the same shirt over and over as he plays Skyrim or that he takes "sponge baths."
The only thing which Von admitted to in the Andrea Tapes was that he had skidmarks from pooping his pants and doing nothing about it. Excuses went from "It's a guy thing" to "I'm fifty fucking years old." There are also videos of his nude children having a grand ol time dancing about a pile of shit stained Von drawers. In said tapes Andrea claimed she never saw Von take a bath in four years of living with him.
Von has greasy hair which he likes to grow out into a goat-king mullet, but it is often cut short by his mom; surely due to the myriad infestations and court dates. He tries to look like a wizard and grow long facial hair but he's only capable of a wispy neck beard which fails to thrive nearly as bad as his children.
Von has incredibly long, dirty talon-like fingernails. He has never given a reason for why other than some vagueries about needing it for computer repair. Guesses range from the loneliness requiring the closest thing he has to a woman's hand to masturbate with, to his pretend status as a warlock and caster of spells. Perhaps just his natural response to a problem is to scratch.
Von's diet consists mostly of tv dinners and snacks bought from local gas stations. The most happening place in Manchester is known to be Burger King. Von at one point often posted videos of him doing the equivalent of microwaving a pop tart for his children, expecting praise. He will often show what he is eating to the camera, usually something like powdered donuts from the same gas stations where he buys his clothes and hats. He keeps a jar of peanut butter on the shelf behind him, which he says is for protein like he's a starving African child. His favorites are Reese's (again surely as his only source of protein) and Mountain Dew (for the orange juice, surely).
Despite von's claims of "power lifting" and of being a vigilante superhero and ninja, he is obviously a flabby, weak, fat man. In fact, this is probably why he needs these lies in the first place. He once posted a video of him doing some seven sit ups before getting winded. His height of 4 foot 11 also does not help his claims of being a whirlwind of fury.
One of his many excuses for never working is swollen feet caused by sitting around and never working.
Von thinks that he's a vampire. Apparently it started because he was born with hyperdontia, giving him extra teeth which he thinks were his "fangs." Getting these removed is one of his tales for why he has no teeth.
At some point he claims to have been sick and healed after his friends got him a rare, bloody steak (as most don't eat cow veins, the "blood" of a rare steak is actually myoglobin, not blood). He deduced that this obviously meant he was a vampire and needs to feed on blood. He claims to get it from the butcher shop. This led him to the conclusion that he must be a descendant of Vlad Tepes Dracul, whom he believes to have been an actual vampire.
Von and his fight against being fictional
Von claims his "vampirism" is caused by a "wayward gene"–something completely irrelevant and which describes cancers, and that he's "seeking a cure" for it. What exactly it is a wayward gene does to him, or how it makes him a vampire will inevitably be rebuffed with "Google it." He claims he is not one of those Hollywood vampires who turns into a bat. That would be nonsense. Instead he just has blood lust, transforms in front of people, has fangs, is allergic to garlic and the sun, and everything else a vampire has or does hence he called himself a fucking vampire.
One day, someone alerted him to the existence of porphyria, further helping him bullshit. He now thinks that porphyria is the scientific name for vampirism. Of course, Von obviously doesn't have porphyria. As one's gums recede and skin gets destroyed by the Sun, it is one of the diseases put forth as the inspiration for myths about vampires and werewolves. Named after the Greek for purple, it makes one's shit and piss purple. It also involves serious mental degeneration and seizures, triggered even worse by smoking, which Von does all the time. Von likely figured any article about porphyria was tl;dr for his moronic fanbase.
Von lives in fear of "vampire hunters," who may come and kill him, just for being a speshul unique snowflake. He also claims vampires are an "endangered species." He's tried to leverage his "condition" as support in his quest for a female companion. He stalked one woman on Delphi, claiming her illness was due to her being a vampire, and that he needed to feed her his blood. This would make her one of his two eternal vampire soul mates.
Chances are his "vampirism" is some twisted way of pathologizing his sociopathic lifestyle of leeching off others emotionally and physically – he has all but admitted he is a psychic vampire. It also helps him pretend the fact that he doesn't work, sleeps all day and is up all night, is due to his "condition."
Once upon a time VonHelton was the cohost for some asian camwhore on blogTV, and was, of course, being mocked for his obvious insanity. He told the camwhore to ignore the trolls, because they were "...probably from MS 13." Shocked that VonHelton had figured out who they were, the trolls admitted they were from the vicious latino street gang. They were seeking revenge for what VonHelton had done to their gang as The Punisher by making fun of him on the internet. MS 13 soon began uploading compilations of the lulzy parts of his videos. They were mostly ignored, until VonHelton released a video claiming he was sterile, as an excuse for why he shouldn't pay child support for his bastard son. Unfortunately, he forgot that little detail about how his children's deaths were what caused him to become the Punisher in the first place. Oops. MS 13 posted a video pointing this out, and VonHelton responded by daring his haters to accompany him to Dubai in order to free sex slaves and PUNISH their owners.
MS 13 called his bluff, and readily agreed to fly to the middle east to free some fucking slaves. It remains to be seen how he will weasel out of this one.
Some time in 2011, VonHelton sadly figured out that the people leaving mean comments on his YouTube videos aren't really a pack of bloodthirsty criminals. However, history will never forget that for one brief shining moment, a man honestly believed that Boxxy was a gangster.
The thing you have to understand about VonHelton is that he's REALLY FUCKING GREAT. He's got four separate sources of royal blood, he's a Cherokee, and a vampire. As a 5 year-old kid, he read Shakespeare, knew all of the aircraft, flying aces, and battles of the First World War, and had memorized and could spell the names of all the dinosaurs. In elementary school, his science project about airplanes won an award, and while still in elementary school he used these skills to design the stealth fighters Lockheed Martin took credit for. He's been in the army, the navy, the coast guard, the DEA, he knows ninjitsu, he's been a cowboy, he was an orderly for 14 years, he's helped girls fleeing from foster care and cults, he's an amateur cryptozoologist, an alchemist, and a sorcerer, he knows realty law, he was head juror for 2 years, has studied the world's religions for 35 years, has been a comedian, musician, singer, radio disc jockey (he also DJ'd for one of the first rap concerts), venue, and band manager, he used the force to repel a groundhog, he had an escaped panda from the zoo run by his trailer, he's the one who came up with internet abbreviations like afk and brb, he's died and come back to life (twice), and it's up to him to spread the word about the evil conspiracies that are out to get you. He was groomed by the rich and famous to be a politician in his teen years before giving it up to help the common man. He was part of a Satanic cult that sacrificed babies to the devil, but he was more evil than the other members. He was even a superhero for a while, and he captured all kinds of criminals in between fighting off assassins, demons, and ghosts. The gods themselves have promised him a "great and glorious future that will benefit all of mankind." And you better believe that when the reptilian aliens invade, he's going to fight them off guns-a-blazin, then return to his fortified home and have sex with the dozens of women under his protection.
Trolls had better watch out, I saw what he can do to us. Did you know that most of the trolls on youtube followed him there from Delphi forums? But he'll get us all. He'll trace your IP even if you're "hiding behind a firewall" (He's a computer repairman, lol). Then he'll track you down, beat you up, and smash your computer, while the cops just sit there and laugh. If he can't do it himself, he KNOWS people. People who owe him BIG favors. Just look what he did to BlogTV. He saw that there were people under 18 on BlogTV, and he learned that there were porn sites on the same server as BlogTV. He put two and two together, and figured out that this meant that BlogTV was carrying child porn. He called the KGB, the CIA, Scotland Yard, EVERYBODY on their asses. Too bad for him MS13 has worked tirelessly to protect BlogTV from these investigations.
It's best to understand that it's impossible to convince Von he has been wrong. He can twist anything around until he makes it agree with him. He once took a paternity test that returned a 99.999% chance he was the child's father. He uses this test as concrete proof he is not the child's father. After some prodding, he admitted that he knew that the 99.999% chance actually was the chance the he was the parent, not how much DNA they had in common, but continued to claim it wasn't his. It doesn't seem like he lies so much as his brain "edits out" anything that might change his beliefs.
Unsurprisingly, for all his bluster, Von is a huge coward. He would not be who he is without the need to mask a serious inferiority complex, and was likely picked on a lot in his younger years. When someone told some marines how he was lying about his military record, he was convinced they'd sent a para-military unit to kill him (they just skinned his dog and shot his cat). When his address was posted, he went nuts, yelling about how he and his parents were going to be murdered by internet weirdos. When he challenged people to prove he wasn't a real martial artist by fighting him with a $50,000 prize if he won, he backed out. He claimed it was wrong for a true ninja to demonstrate their skill in front of others. He still wanted the $50,000 from the guy for doing nothing, of course.
List of Von's pretend jobs, feats, and stories (never complete):
- Computer repairman
- Vigilante special ops superhero, i.e. literally the Punisher (apparently this was for 3 years.)
- As the Punisher, he:
- Has been beat up
- Has been shot at
- Has been stabbed
- Has been boiled in oil
- Has been hanged on a meat hook and left to die.
- Owns or owned a 30 mm Gatling Gun, which he could carry, called ol' painless (ripping off Doom and/or Predator makes it really believable)
- Busted up MS13 operation
- He stopped Italian mob on 2 occasions
- He stopped the Russian mob
- He saved five women's lives in Killeen, Texas. Only one girl, a German, was lost.
- He also broke up a pimp's operation in Killeen.
- Paramilitary units sent to kill him for pretending to be the Punisher skinned his dog and shot his cat
- A boxing champion
- A ninja
- A vampire
- A warlock
- An alchemist
- A sorcerer
- Amateur chemist
- Amateur cryptozoologist
- Medical orderly for 14 years
- Band manager of Christian rock band
- a flautist
- a singer
- He studied realty law.
- He was "head juror" and/or a "jury foreman" for 2 years.
- "A brand"
- "A venue" (fuck yeah concerts at the rape trailer)
- Politician, groomed by the rich and famous to be one in his teen years before giving it up to help the common man.
- DJ across the continental US, including one of the first rap concerts.
- Religious scholar, studying the world's religions for 35 years
- His balls were exposed to depleted uranium.
- He guarded the empty gold box at Fort Knox.
- been in Army, Navy, DEA, Coast Guard, and The Agency.
- Has been intimate with video game design and Cheetos since Pong.
- "beta tested," microsoft, aol, the Enigma code
- helped girls flee from cults and foster care
The gods and supernatural
- Promised by the gods a great and glorious future that will benefit all of mankind.
- A restaurant he worked at shorted him on a check and the next time he went back there Zeus had blasted the establishment with his energy cannon.
- Raised his cat from the dead
- Has come face to face with a demon
- Has battled with a knife throwing poltergeist
- He once used the force (from Star Wars) on a groundhog, sending it flying. He has not been able to conjure up the force another time since.
- Died and came back to life (
twicemore than twice)
- Has controlled the weather
- More evil than other baby-killing members during his time in a Satanic cult
- Once sort of almost saw a grey alien, and shot at it.
- Can read minds (except his own).
- At age 5, he:
- Invented the stealth fighter as a child
- Invented the ion drive
- Invented internet abbreviations such as 'brb' or 'afk.'
- He was one of the people who started the idea of respect for the dead.
- He was one of the people who started the idea of civil unions for gays.
- He was one of the people who started the idea of gay marriage leading to bestiality and pedophilia.
- Blames trolls for tardbride's cervix ripping. She, full of von tard babies, had her cervix rip, and the doctor said stress related. This obviously means not the stress of living in the fail trailer, but because von gets trolled.
- Claims a son in another state which was his with 99.9999% certainty and has the same name as his trailer son isn't his for fear of paying child support
- The doctor responsible for getting his kids taken away had recently moved to Kentucky from Tennessee and had watched his videos, ergo she was a hired troll.
- Claimed Andrea was a black belt and nearly Valedictorian.
- Poet Robert Frost is his uncle
- And Vlad Tepes his ancestor
- But he's also 175% Cherokee
- And Dutch, German, Jewish, and Scottish
- His pretend Cherokee heritage grants him a large penis
- Defeated CPS, "the most powerful institution in Kentucky" 5 times.
- To justify his pedophilia Von often claims his parents were 15 or 20 years apart in age, when they were four years apart.
- He claims his father was in every single naval engagement of the second world war.
- Both his parents are NWO
- The pizza has no gnats in it.
- Growing to the height of 6 feet and doctors are dumbfounded as to why
- He used to "power lift"
- 2 time quickdraw screwdriver champion
- Once jumped down from a tree killing a deer with just knives.
- Had chatted in his house with a man who had come to kill him, resolving the situation.
- Kicked out of Canada for not being a Somali terrorist.
- A solar storm will wipe out all the teenie boppers every fifteen minutes
- He once saw a panda race by his trailer "asses to elbows."
Von's Supporting Cast
Andrea Locke, a.k.a. Mouse, is Von Helton's ugly, pasty, functionally retarded child bride who unsuspectingly buys into all of Von's bullshit. Her naïve, childlike behavior can be seen in many of Von's YouTube videos and BlogTV broadcasts. She was described as having “some intellectual limitations” in a report by CPS which could explain her lack of lucidity and general comprehension of her situation with Von. This is perhaps a recent problem for her, as Von will let you know she once almost made the honor roll if she would have just been a completely different person. Their shotgun wedding happened because once again Von refused to pay child support for his baby. She is the first wife Von has acquired in his polygamy quest.
Von claims Mouse is in fact a bisexual who seeks to start a polyamorous relationship with an added female to the relationship. Von approves of this idea, due to the idea of extra sex on the side, and possibly the prospects of another bread winner and babysitter. Mouse has only commented on Von's claim once in a short awkward moment unbecoming of a supposed twenty-two year old woman where she was asked directly about this topic in which she responded by giggling and holding her hands in front of her face in embarrassment before quickly running away after making a barely audible humming sound of approval. Due to the unattractiveness of both Von and Mouse and their unappealing circumstance of living in a small trailer on the outskirts of Bumfuck, Kentucky with two incompetent retards and three kids with shit filled diapers there has been no one interested in being an addition to the VonHelton family.
Some people have attempted to show sympathy for Andrea, when we all know she is just as unemployed, and as inept a parent, as Von; and we all know she was asking for it. Lately it has become apparent that Mouse's frustration over actually having to interact with the children is becoming too much for her to bear. She is often overheard telling the oldest child (a toddler) to shut up, and she has expressed a wish to super glue the child's mouth shut. Von, meanwhile, can't be pulled away from his camera long enough to care for the children himself and is often heard complaining that his 83 year old mother is out instead of babysitting for them.
Divorce 2: Electric Bugaloo
UPDATE! Von can now proudly say he passes all the criteria of the Hare Psychopathy Checklist, having had "many short-term marital relationships." In February of 2014, Andrea finally came to what little senses she has, and has flown the coop for a divorce. She packed up her Wii, left the kids, and was driven to Burger King where she could be driven away and forever say goodbye to the rape trailer. She is a grown up lady who is ready for dickings with weird internet men.
Srsly though, Von pulled his gun on her in an attempt to intimidate her, leading to her leaving and filing a protective order with Von filing for divorce. Von is still raging and lying about this, blaming the trolls and CPS for manipulating the naïve girl with the mind of a child into leaving him and ruining his life. He sees no other explanation, as he treated her "like a queen" including a phone and internet, and she committed the heinous crime of talking to people after she left without the full written consent of Von and major league baseball. Aside from blaming everyone but himself he spends much time violating his protective order by constantly threatening Andrea with jail time for not remaining his child slave until death, as if she watches his 8 hour google hangouts. The internet was put in Mouse's name after Von's mother had cut him off, and so Von has myriad excuses for leaving the net. Given his internet addiction and his past actions of pretending to leave for attention (he's already moved back the date he is gone twice),
he should be back as soon as he can cry to his mama, or gets enough from e-begging. He was back after three days.
As keeping with the status quo of being total white trash, VonHelton has fathered several children all out of wedlock without the financial means and parental aptitude to take care of them. VonHelton has the proclivity to use the three he cannot get rid of as a pawn to make his trolls seem like villains, while at the same time he freely raises his troll’s awareness of his kids by needlessly dragging them into any kind of drama he’s in where he needs to appeal to moralfags.
Considering Vons old age it is likely he won’t live to see them enter adulthood and make him proud.
Gubermint Dun Took Mah Babies
Countless anonymous calls to the Manchester police department and Child Protective Services about Von in general and the Kelly chats in particular led to the authorities looking into Von's parenting skills. For obvious reason, they were alarmed, and sent several representatives to his trailer to check up on the kids. The final nail in the coffin, however, came when Von took his children to the doctor with shit and piss in their hair. On August 11, all three children were taken by the state. This made Von just a teeny bit mad.
After going through the standard grieving process of threatening to have the people who reported him killed by the mafia, Von revealed the real reason that his children had been taken. The doctor he took the children to was one of his internet haters who had moved into their area recently for the sole purpose of trolling him, and called CPS not because his children looked like they'd just come off the set of some bizarre Japanese porno, but rather just for the lulz.
Like any good parents would do just after trolls had taken away their children, Von and Mouse spent the rest of the day playing Facebook games and sitting on BlogTV, taking only an occasional break to yell at Von's mom for trying to get them to clean up the trash heap they call a home.
The Children Return?
According to Von the unscrupulous court system of hillbilly land has decided to return the children back to him under some kind arrangement. Von has spoken in the past and continues to speak about eloping with his family to another state, which is unlikely to happen considering the amount of financial funds, responsibility and organizational skills that both he and his wife lack. A more likely outcome would be him abandoning his family as he has done in the past when the pressure was too much for him.
VonHelton has a child in "North Dakota" whom he has abandoned. After a day in hell cell, until Ma agreed to pay his child support, he constructed a master defense strategy of claiming the 99.9999% probability that he is the father is the genetic similarity, and therefore he cannot be the father of a clone. Rather, the ladygal must have sent in a piece of the goat mullet, indistinguishable from baby hair, and the state of Kentucky conspired in an elaborate plan to transfer ownership of the trailer. Given that the North Dakota Clone has the same name as he and mouse's funky trailer son, he must have failed some vision of the Punisher.
Alice Gayle Helton, nee Frost, VonHelton’s 85 year old mother who has provided for him for the first fifty tender years of his life. She financially supports Von, his retarded wife and ugly children, including mowing his grass and taking care of his kids while he rages at the internet, which he thanks her for in hateful scorn. Von has accused her of collaborating with his trolls and the CIA, being Eastern Star, and depriving him of his birth right. She once was in a physical altercation with Mouse which resulted in her pressing charges that were later dropped. Some believe that Vons borderline threats he makes in his videos might build into something serious.
Although not mother of the year material, the court decided to grant her temporary custody of Von’s children while the court hearings were ongoing. The question if the judge knew that Vons trailer sits only a few yards from Grandma Helton’s house has yet to be answered.
Von waits patiently for his mother's death so that he can finally move from the trailer she provides for him and his family, whom he doesn't think enough of to get a job and support, into the home she maintains. Unfortunately, Von has forgotten that although he can get the government to pay for his heating and food bills, they will not pay his property taxes. So it will not be long before it's section 8 housing for the Von Heltons.
Ma Helton's Playlist
Von was originally discovered by a small group of trolls who kept him to themselves, instead of letting a larger trolling community like 4Chan or SomethingAwful know about him. Thus, instead of being out to milk the drama surrounding one crazy old man and the rich fantasy life revolving around his Cherokee!Vampire!Punishersona, many of his "trolls, haters, and naysayers" are the sort of people who traveled in the same online circles as he does anyway: "skeptics" who won't stop drowning in their amassed self-worth over how smart they are for figuring out that aliens aren't really invading, regular conspiracy nuts who are glad to have someone even crazier than themselves to look down upon, and moralfags who were shocked beyond belief to find out that there was a pedophile on the internet and that trailer trash hillbillies (one of whom is literally retarded) make for really shitty parents. Since the child custody battle, a great deal of Von's time was spent doing basically jack shit except upload one cookie cutter "The aliens/NWO/muslims/libruls are gonna kill us all" video after another, leaving these "trolls" with nothing to do except sit on BlogTV, watching his show (which consists entirely of him bobbing his head to music and saying a sentence or two about how much he hates Obama and the trolls between songs) and circlejerking about how, yes, Von is STILL crazy and omg have you heard about that time he asked a little girl for her nudes?!?! Thankfully, it does mean one can troll such people during the times when Von has become boring from licking his wounds.
Secular Opinion - A typical liberal, atheist fag, the King of Canada, and VonHelton's arch nemesis who once frequently uploaded lectures to Youtube on the topic of secular humanism whilst knowing nothing but how to play the drums, but now documents Von's bullshit. He has been exposed as Von's old, draft-dodging friend from high school, David Sandlin, a fiendish character with aliases such as 'Rollo' and "Ernie Chrysler." Secular Opinion works at a Canadian university as an academic adviser, and is currently in a relationship with a Ukrainian supermodel. This along with his prominence as a member of the Socialist Party of Canada are facts testifying to the normality and stability of his life relative to the American tax payer funded existence Von calls a life; and this fills Von with jealousy and rage.
Although Von hates Secular Opinion he is unable to go to Canada and punish SecularOpinion due to being b&, a fact Von explains away as the result of his being a "patriotic American."
(UNRELATED FACT: American felons aren't allowed to enter Canada.)
Georgebushpimps - Arguably the try-hard troll Von hates the most; a moralfag usually high on Amphetamines with six trollface stickers on his guitar who grew up in Didgeridoo, Louisiana but now lives in Quincy, Illinois. He thinks he is better than Von because he bathes and is a liberal. Meanwhile he will boast about how one time he totally beat up and trolled some Klan members when he was in Russia years ago. He is one of the trolls Von held responsible for the ripping of his wife's cervix.
JStevieo (AKA JewStevieo, The [Skin] Flute Player and The Worlds Oldest Teenage Girl) Some guy on BlogTV who like your typical degenerate Jew lives a life much like Von's, but with trees, spaghettios, and the NWO replaced with immigrants, cannabis, and the Holocaust respectively. His only claim to fame was that he once spent nearly $2000 orchestrating a scheme to troll VonHelton. The first step of this plan was to purchase an under-performing, custom computer from Von's customerless, make believe "computer business." This was also the only step in the plan. Von was surely hanging his head in shame about how hard he got pwned on his way to the bank to deposit the hundreds of dollars he just made. Epic lulz.
Lardo444 - A fat, old, racist, bed-sheet wearing homosexual who has declared an inarticulate fatwa against organized religion with the self-promoting slogan "praise Lardo." He brings attention to his subgenius rip-off faux church by hobbling around in public places in stained linens creating a distraction and making a nuisance of himself. Some will say that this sudden shift in behavior at an advanced age might be a product of a mid-life crisis. He, like the other miserable failure above, sees VonHelton as the quintessential, backwater white American which in typical yuppie behavior he sees himself as superior to. In a spiteful, immature failed attempt to one-up Christian Charity, he has recently been accused of mail fraud and charity scamming among other charges after making countless idiots pay $15.00 for a ceramic cup with his appetizing face on it. Because of the low emotional development and child-like trust of his fans he was able to sell many of these cups by simply stating "the money is for a good cause." He ended up just leaving boxes of food at random doors.
Mark Gronan (AKA Fat Fuck, Retundo the Immense, The Walking Eclipse, and that fat faggot who caused my restaurant to go out of business) - A massively overweight corpuscle that grew arms and legs and dislodged itself from the Loch Ness monster's rectum. Mark was your typical conspiratard until the Kelly fiasco. He was adopted by a three-toothed, barren old hag who by even Scottish standards was considered unfuckable and who nurtured him and gave him his warm personality. She has even allowed him to live with her into middle adulthood (
because no one else will fuck them but each other He is, by his own admission, still a virgin.). He has grown two main obsessions: VonHelton and chocolate pudding. Though, thanks to a ridiculous Scottish accent that's as thick as his gut, his videos might all actually be about cake decoration or something for all anyone knows. Did I mention how fat he is? Fuck.
360FatCats - An autistic l33t haxxor. Not only does he sort of know Visual Basic, he takes great pride in his achievement of blocking tor from his website. So much pride that he has a page devoted entirely to bragging about it. Beyond his amazing skill with computers, he makes such insightful contributions to Skype calls as "yeah, yeah yeah", "you're right," "democracy is neato," and "Let me tell you about this advanced programing trick called a 'loop'."
DarkZodiak - A man who makes YouTube videos in a black, face concealing hood. A casual glance at his posts in comment sections will show him to be easily the dumbest member of this list; experts suspect he is part aborigine. Most of his videos are about how he could totally beat up VonHelton or Von's internet buddies. Sadly, when it was discovered that he lived in the same town as one of these people, neither of these badasses was actually keen on the idea of meeting up to fight or even talk. He also used to make SUPER INTIMIDATING videos about his place in the Satanic Dark Community, until he revealed it was all part of an act he set up to make his enemies look stupid for believing he was serious. Afterwards, he also started using sock accounts with the screenname MasterOfPuppets, apparently not considering that the people calling him a "puppet-master" might have been anything less than completely sincere.
VictorFawkes - A insidious troll and l33t hax0r from /b/ whose brain has been completely broken by 4Chan. His videos consist of him in a Guy Fawkes mask with toilet humor in 4Chan memes and Anonymous catch phrases. It's safe to assume that his mother, who he still lives with in his 30's, is the only woman he's ever spoken to in real life.
Some Other Classics
- Sexual deviant
- Unwarranted Self-Importance
- Internet Tough Guy
- Victim Complex
- Batshit Insane
- Narcissistic Personality Disorder
- Antisocial Personality Disorder
- Mental disorders
- America's Third Party
- Brett Keane
- Von's old videos
- VonHelton on vaughnlive
- VonHelton's BlogTV
- A Blog Devoted To VonHelton's Insanity
- An Example of A BaronVonHelton Thread on Delphi
- On Delphi's BaronVonHelton
- A blog entry on Von
- VonHelton exploiting the death of his father
- Von helton the Meme
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