Waitrose

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Well if they've been ridiculed for being upmarket this article certainly won't be helping any.
 

 
 

—Mark, an Aussie, sums up this article in a nutshell.

Waitrose, being classy, as always.

Waitrose is a Supermarket chain in England. It is visited mostly by poncy people who want to have the highest quality goods their pounds can buy, and more recently, an invasion of Chavs demanding their share of piss-weak tea and coffee. MPs have also been known to visit as well.

Waitrose Quality[edit]

Of course, this is shooped, but it sums up this establishment's customers pretty well.

Of course, if you are dissatisfied with your food, Waitrose is the place to go for you. It's expensive, it's sometimes sour and tart, and you'll be eating apples which 'taste like champagne', but you're probably not going to be eating Horse. Also, Waitrose has a value range! Unlike Tesco, who shove horse meat and crap into their goods, Waitrose considers every luxury to be one of the affordable 'Waitrose Essentials'. Only at Waitrose will you see Profiteroles, Crème Brulees and Lobster as essential!

Waitrose vs. ASDA: The Price Wars[edit]

In an attempt for some jolly good one-upmanship against Wal-Mart's bastard child, ASDA, Waitrose's big brother, John Lewis, proudly proclaims that like them, Waitrose is Never Knowingly Undersold. When you think about it, that is a good idea. You could be eating finely chopped and cleaved haddock fillet for the same price as Turkey Twizzlers in shades of highlighter orange! Unfortunately, while good in practice, the people at ASDA are always slightly underselling their goods, making this attempt futile.

However, the fact that this chain of establishments is the sole member of the 'Big Four' Supermarkets to not be making a loss says a lot about this company, and that they might just be the corporate equivalent of a pretty cool guy.

Typical Customers[edit]

That's not sour cream and chives you're eating...

While walking around the Wonderland that is your local Waitrose, you'll always expect to find these people on your visit.

  • Mothers with limp wrists carting around screaming babies and tantruming toddlers, that somehow have enough decibels within them to rival a hundred crows.
  • Surprisingly fit women, pushing trolleys filled to the brim with Pizza and beer. One can only wonder how they remain in such good shape.
  • Men pondering over which Bacon packet to buy with their Olives and Potato salad.
  • Many children, running about the shop like crazy and getting butthurt when they don't get what they want.
    • 13-year-old boys mass buying chocolate in the confectionery aisle, or generally moping about the Alcohol aisle, dejected that none of the contents can actually be bought by them.
      • Often accompanied by said boys are a legion of Sixteen-year-old girls, usually crying about the loss of their newest boyfriend.
  • A misplaced Chav, usually asking inane questions as to where their synthetic cider can be found.
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Waitrose
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