Wal-Mart

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One of the fantasies of Sam Walton that started it all.

Where Satan resides. Wal-Mart (Save Money, Live Better) is a purgatory for desperate rednecks, filthy niggers looking for some watermelon and coolaid and furries looking for stuffed animals to rape, and Jews who spent all their golds.

Wal-Mart was named after Waldo of the acclaimed "Where's Waldo?" book series; it was created at least 100 years ago while Sam Walton was at home huffing paint fumes and reading "Where's Waldo" books with Dragonball Z playing in the background. It was during a moment of epiphany, fapping to mental images of Waldo sodomizing Goku when he realized that not only did he pay WAY too much for his cans of spray paint but that he could build a store based upon the economic concepts of cheap inhalants for everyone with a power level of over 9,000, thereby acting out his fantasy of Waldo-esque sodomy upon the retail industry of America.

A typical Wal-Mart customer.

When a Wal-Mart opens, the local economy is gradually destroyed. Hicks and shortsighted morons alike go there to save a buck, but they don't realize that the dollar they save is an investment in their own apocalypse. Eventually all the local businesses close, since local businesses have a thing about paying their employees a decent living wage and buying reasonably ethical stock, whereas Wal-Mart sells everything under the sun for half the price, because they buy in bulk and only sell cheap garbage made by five year olds in China or some such. The farmers are ruined because Wal-Mart only keeps food prices low by importing from a country where production can be done for a fraction of the price, due to things like limited environmental regulations, and a generally weak economy which lends to exploitation of labour (understanding that things like Wal-Mart are the reason the poor countries are such shit holes to begin with). Fortunately, when all the poor buggers who didn't know better than to participate in the forming of the evil monopoly, they can still afford to shop for cheap junk and nutritionally useless food harvested from clear-cut rainforest at the local Wal-Mart that ruined them. Er... okay...

There is reasonable speculation that Wal-Mart could actually be Satan's own cock, which has materialized on earth to rape us all, shooting fiery molten cumshots all over anything it comes near.

How to troll Wal-Mart[edit]

Walmart Trolling 1.jpg
Walmart Trolling 2.jpg

Wal-Mart presents vast potential as a lolcow due to the combined stupidity of its employees, customers and policies, which makes for much lulzy synergy. If you want to scare the living shit out of the managers, just use one of the below codes:

  • Code ADAM - Missing child
  • Code Blue - Bomb
  • Code Red - Fire
  • Code Orange - Chemical Spill
  • Code Black - Weather warning
  • Code Green - Hostage Situation
  • Code Brown - Shooting Situation
  • Code C - Customer Service
  • Code 10 - Dry Spill
  • Code 20 - Wet Spill
  • Code 90 - Management
  • Code 300 - Security
  • Store # - Backup needed - (all male employees and security)

A step by step guide to trolling Wal-Mart, kindly brought to you by Anonymous:

Anonymouswalmart.jpg


It should be noted that as soon as you send in your pictures, they will automatically start printing. Because of their stupidity, do not feel the need to have troll's remorse, they deserve to be trolled.

If you find yourself IN the store, here is a list of things to do.

  1. Set all the alarm clocks to go off in 10 minute intervals.
  2. Start playing football. See how many people you can get to join in.
  3. Make a trail of orange juice on the ground leading to the restrooms.
  4. Walk up to an employee and in an official tone say, "I think we've got a code brown in housewares." See what happens.
  5. Tune all the radios to a polka station, turn them off, set them to Max volume, and turn them all on.
  6. While in any department, yell "Who BUYS this shit ANYWAY?"
  7. Put M&M's on layaway. Wal-Mart got smart and stopped layaway because people have credit cards now.
  8. TP as much of the store as possible.
  9. Randomly throw things into neighboring isles.
  10. Blockade an entire toy isle by setting up a full-scale battlefield with G.I. Joes VS. the X-Men.
  11. Take bets on the battle.
  12. When handling guns in the hunting department, ask where the antidepressants are.
  13. Switch the men's and women's signs on the bathrooms. That doesn't work because the signs USUALLY don't move. What fags.
  14. Dart around suspiciously while humming the Mission Impossible theme
  15. When an announcement comes over the intercom, assume the fetal position and scream, "THE VOICES ARE BACK!"
  16. Go to an empty check-out stand and try to check people out.
  17. Hold indoor shopping cart races.
  18. Challenge other customers to a duel with tubes of gift wrap.
  19. Put condoms and\or pregnancy tests in random people's carts.
  20. Drive around the entrances screaming, "The British are coming!"
  21. Jump through a pyramid of cans yelling, "IM GONNA SAVE US FROM THAT BOMB!"
  22. Slip and fall with shit that breaks like milk, eggs, and so forth. Make sure to cry in embarrassment at the mess you have made.
  23. Grab a whole stack of gift cards then use a non-working credit card to try and fill them. Get angry at the cashier and ask to see a manager saying they are doing it wrong.
  24. Ask to speak with a manager at service. When they come, ask them if they can have someone type an application for you at the job kiosk. If they refuse tell them you will call the corporate office to snitch on them for you are disabled and can't type (illiteracy; basically perfect for any Wal-Mart job).
  25. Go to a phone (there are several hanging on poles or at empty counters) and press #96. This will get you the intercom. You know what to do. BALEETED. Note: SOME Wal-Marts have a store number restriction. Check your receipt for the store number (I.E. #5080).
  26. Make an attractive stack of pregnancy test kits and/or condoms in the junior-wear dept.
  27. If someones breath stinks, do them a favor and throw some Colgate into their cart.
  28. Switch the yellow price tags (located under the item on the shelf) to confuse customers on prices.
  29. Begin to cry and ask, "Why won't you people leave me alone?!" when an employee asks if they can help you.
  30. Hide in a clothing rack and yell, "PICK ME! PICK ME!" when a customer browses through.
  31. Set up a tent in the camping isle. Tell other customers you'll invite them in if they bring pillows from the bedding department.
  32. March out of the dressing rooms and, in an angry/serious tone, ask an employee, "Why isn't there any toilet paper in these stalls?!"
  33. If you're an old person walk...as...slowly...as...possible.
  34. Replace all the cash with Colgate
  35. Hide in a clothing rack and yell "Hitler is my hero!", which scares the SHIT out of any customer.
  36. Set all the computers while they aren't looking to Pain Series, Goatse, or Last Measure. For even more lulz, redirect them to Offended.
  37. Purchase a brand new, unopened item from say, K-Mart or Target that Wal-Mart does NOT have in stock, bring that into Wally World, go up to one of front checkout counters and have the cashier try to ring the product up.
  38. Buy like 10 bags of frozen ice and keep it in your shopping cart. In an hour or two, try to check out.
  39. Use a cellphone to call the Wal-Mart Customer Center, while you're speaking to them, walk up to that person that you are talking to; see reaction...?... PROFIT!!!
  40. Dress up as Pedobear and greet young children in the toy aisle (make sure you're under the age of 18).
  41. Dress up as a lion and greet Wal-Mart shoppers in the hardware department while saying, "Welcome to Narnia!"
  42. Try to go through an 20-items-or-less checkout with 50 or 60 items in your cart.
  43. Call in a Code Black for extreme weather. The employees are trained to group at the center of the store in severe weather situations, leaving customers free to loot and break things.
  44. Call in a Code Adam. It should be noted, however, that in the event of Code Adam that all the doors are locked while security searches for a nonexistent missing child.
  45. Hold a pillow fight in the pillow aisle.
  46. Go to the camping section, unroll one of the sleeping bags, and proceed to take a nap in the middle of the aisle. For extra lulz, crawl into the sleeping bag with a partner and begin making out.
  47. Run out the front door screaming, "OH MY GOD, HE HAS A GUN!" Lulz are sure to follow.
  48. Ask if you can test out their condoms before you buy them.
  49. Get on the intercom and start screaming the Navy Seal Copypasta.
  50. Ask them if they'll print a t-shirt with this picture on it.
  51. Masturbate with a My Little Pony plushie and put it back on the shelf after you're done with it.
  52. Go wait in line and unleash a roaring fart in front of people.
  53. Take a shit on the floor in the bathroom

Shoplifting[edit]

Shoplifting from walmart is extremely easy and unless you are an nigger, you will be able to steal all kinds of shit.

Although you may feel troll's remorse from stealing, Walmart is a multi-billion dollar company who treats it's workers like shit, and stealing items from them won't impact them in any way.

Sam Walton's Vision[edit]

Sam Walton's vision come to life, with a power level of OVER 9000!

In the Beginning

Spurred on by visions of a cheap fix, Sam Walton decided that it was not good enough that he alone enjoy the benefits of cheap paint; no, he wanted to share this with everyone. He originally decided to open a simple discount spraypaint store, but Sam Walton found himself stonewalled when he realized that Sherwin Williams Paint company had already begun its dastardly plan to "cover the earth". After being assraped repeatedly by agents of the global paint conspiracy that is Sherwin Williams, Sam Walton decided to sidestep their monopoly by opening an entire grocery store and to simply pay a bit of protection money to Sherwin Williams for periodic shipments of paint. So basically, he just wanted some FUCKIN OIL AND SOME FUCKIN MONEY THAT WE DON'T HAVE!!!!!!!!!!!!

The Wal-Mart business Plan:

Being a native born troll, Sam Walton couldn't help but giggle as he enacted his never-before-seen strategy of retailing, devised while being forced to watch crappy Lifetime movies about rape and incest with his wife:

1. Rape the shit out of (later known as "rollback") prices in small towns first. They are defenseless and totally asking for it.

2. Once all the small towns have been turned into metaphorical cum dumpsters full of cash, hire lots of illegal immigrants so that if anyone opposes Wal-Mart's expansion into big cities their rims get stolen and their girlfriends/daughters/grandmothers knocked up the next day.

3. ????

4. PROFIT!

5.SHAMWOW APPLY DIRECTLY TO THE FOREHEAD,SHAMWOW APPLY DIRECTLY TO THE FOREHEAD,SHAMWOW APPLY DIRECTLY TO THE FOREHEAD.

The Results of Sam Walton's Trolling[edit]

Sam Walton's first obstacle to success: The Paint Mafia that IS Sherwin Williams.
Shoplifter.jpg

Butthurt over being raped in the ass by the hellspawn of Sam Walton's deal with Mexicans and Sherwin Williams at the expense of everyone except furries and jews, some people have begun anti-walmart campaigns during the hours in which they are not employed by wal-mart, buying shit at Wal-Mart, enjoying said shit bought at wal-mart, buying something somewhere else that was originally made for wal-mart at a second hand store to "stick it to the man", shoplifting from Wal-Mart, picking up their meds at wal-mart's pharmacy so they don't go batshit crazy, eating at one of the McDonalds that have begun popping up in Wal-Mart stores like genital warts or conducting business at one of the "convenient" banks popping up next to the McDonalds herpes sores like buboes.

General Arguments of those suffering rectal bleeding from Wal-Mart:


  1. They give jobs to illegal immigrants, which is Un-American.
  2. Their products are made in China and various 3rd world nations, thus unsupportive in the investment of American industry.
  3. Wal-Mart likes to kill baby deer when they choose new site locations.
  4. Wal-Mart believes in "community involvement".
  5. Wal-Mart insists on spelling the company's name in a cheer to adjourn every associate meeting in which they call the hyphen a "squiggly", thus undermining the rules of the King's English.
  6. Totally did WTC to sell party supplies with the American flag on, ed hardy shit, silkscreen prints of eagles with tears in their eyes, Jew-hanging kits et cetera.

Additional Repartee from the Butthurt

The communist retail chains also indirectly flaunt political messages to their customers. When observing a Wal-Mart receipt, you will find a subversive message:

Walmart.gif

Wal-Mart is no longer the largest corporation in the world (it is Exxon Corporation). Next on their agenda, the world. There is not one spot in America where there is not a Wal-Mart. The employees are the basis for the movement as they are the rejects of society. Old fart, Mexican, teenager, basement dweller... if you're one of these, Wal-Mart has a spot for you.

Evil albeit cheap of Wal-Mart's evil tendencies is their respect for poor people. They give jobs to the elderly, build Wal-Mart's in the ghetto, and offer their services to pedophiles. This makes every trip to the local Wal-Mart a trip into paralyzing fear. Pregnant teenagers with nowhere to go often camp out in the tent sections of the Wal-Mart. Wal-Mart is generous and forgiving when the political undertones of mass murder/domination are ignored. Praise Wal-Mart for its below the norm prices.

You can support Wal-Mart's movement to conquer the world, which is reminiscent of Hitler, or you can opt for paying 3 cents more at another supermarket. The choice is yours.

Walmart56.png

Sam Walton's Response

Being a seasoned troll, Sam Walton did not experience any sort of troll's remorse and shortly before his death issued the following statement to those opposed to his chain of stores:


   
 
I did it for the lulz!
 

 
 

—Sam Walton, displaying the artful parry most used by the seasoned troll upon encountering the butthurt

Walmartians[edit]

The people who actually live at Walmart. Some are migratory, moving from one Walmart to another. Others sleep in the furniture aisles. Only about 23% of walmartians actually work at Walmart.
Random facts about walmartians

  • Walmartians can only breathe Walmart air, which has a particular mix of white trash bacteria, soccer mom perfume, and human body vapor.
  • Walmartians get from Walmart to Walmart via special "Sub Urban Vehicles."
  • Walmartians smell like damp flour.
  • Walmartians Test shopping trolleys to destruction:
  • Walmartians can only be seen from 12:00 to 6:00 am on weekends. For they cannot intake rays of the sun during the light of day


Walmartian's Survival Guide, for only $99.99.

[edit]

Changing your company's logo doesn't change the fact that you're an evil, manipulative conglomerate.

In 2008, Wal-Mart did away with their star logo for a sunburst in a pathetic attempt to improve their corporate image. Despite the logo change, they're still underpaying workers, discriminating against minorities (by employing them almost exclusively in urban areas with high minority populations?), women and manufacturing shoddily built plastic crap for the lemming-like masses to consume.

PROTIP: If you look closely at the white dot in the middle, it kind of looks like the imperial Japanese flag. Makes you think, huh?

Acts of arson and murder carried out under the orders Wal-Mart corporate executives and CEOs[edit]

In 2001, a family of six living in Colorado had a house on a piece of land that Wal-Mart wanted to build a superstore at. They tried offering to buy the house from the family for less than 1/4 of what their house was worth. When they refused, less than one day later, their house mysteriously burned down, killing everyone inside, including 3 young children. The Wal-Mart corporation then bulldozed what was left of the house and IMMEDIATELY constructed highly profitable Wal-Mart superstore on the patch of land that the house occupied. Investigators on the scene after the fire concluded that it was highly likely that arson was the cause of the fire, after finding suspicious items that could have been used to start a fire in the basement of the house. These investigators later mysteriously/conveniently died in strange one-car auto wrecks, bizarre suicides, and weird heart attacks/strokes/aneurysms immediately after eating or drinking something.

Note: A link to this case from a reliable source would be very nice. I can vouch for the trueness of this. Trust me.

Wal-Mart 2: Electric Boogaloo[edit]

ASDA is the horrible mutated little sister of Wal-mart, much like the UK is to America. ASDA stands for ALL STAFF = DIRTY AFRICANS which is a reference to their staff who all seem to be niggers or incredibly old. Due to the fact that old people work at ASDA to just get out the house proves it to be a work of evil as it gives hope to old people to think that they have a place in our society. When it came to public attention that the Wal-mart family was recruiting people that were about to die theories burst out that Jews had taken over the branch and were stealing all the money, which isn’t very surprising.

ASDA is absolutely shit as everything is expensive and tastes of AIDS. It claims to be the cheapest supermarket in Britain when we all know that it FAILS and B&M, Waitrose and Tesco is cheaper.

There only redeeming feature is that there is nearly always a Petworld next to it so you can continue your worship of THE ALMIGHTY ONES

Wal-Mart: Dealing with Recent Economic Downfalls[edit]

Due to recent failures of large banks such as Goldman Sachs and Citi-Bank, Wal-Mart has also faced hardships. To counteract their largely profitable sweatshop from losing its money, after Thanksgiving corporate brass actually sent orders to over 90% of all the stores in the U.S. to fire all temporary workers (workers hired to work till right after Christmas and then they return back to the unemployment line) and employees that the management (disregard that they suck cocks for profit) deemed "useless" - when in reality that's basically any employee.

They were unfortunately given a false illusion of a safety net job because, who gets fired from Wal-Mart, right? As they were sadly mistaken, they were all gathered like brainless sheep to their managers to face the fact that they are failures and must leave the premises immediately so as not to get v&. This caused an outrage in more rural areas but people don't give a shit so media attention was extremely poor and therefore no one knows.

Wal-Mart has successfully trolled these "poor souls" and still gets away with billions of dollars. And also that those temps who were fired ended up spending their money right back at the place that fired them.

Wal-Mart: Not just for white trash[edit]

Last Thursday a New Jersey Wal-Mart faced criticism after someone got on the P.A. system and announced: "Attention, Walmart customers: All black people, leave the store now." White people quickly remarked "LOL WUT" while the aforementioned "black people" are assumed to have let the whole thing pass, reasoning that this would be the best way to avoid escalating the situation. Commenters on the situation quickly decided that this was yet another reason to hate Wal-Mart, republicans, and white people [1].

Gallery[edit]



   
 
So I was standing in a rather large line at my local Wal-Mart today behind a couple families that I know from when I went to church with my family in year younger. It was the only register open so there wasn't much of another option to get my 12 pack of Mountain Dew for a party I was heading to. I was wondering why the line was going nowhere when I decided to poke my head up front to see what the holdup was. It was a little old lady who didn't have enough for her groceries and she was trying to talk the cashier into letting her get away with being short. This struck me as odd until I found out she was a mere $0.21 short of her purchase. Now all these families were just staring and there was even two making fun of her. I walked up and handed my soda to the cashier, handed him a $5 and told her to keep the change. One of the middle aged women (I knew these people, so I also knew that they all make over 6 digits) grabbed her kid and yelled very loudly, "See that man? He's acting just like Jesus wants us to." For some reason this set me off, so I turned around. I haven't shaved in awhile so I'm rocking some nice scruff, a Slayer shirt, and gym shorts, so it must have been a nice sight. Very loudly, I said "Like Jesus? Ma'am I'm an atheist who makes minimum wage and I was the one who stepped up to help her? Your hypocritical Christianity is an inspiration to us all." As I stormed out, a couple of the cart boys started to whistle and cheer, soon shoppers joined in and even the cashier. I gave a wave and went off with a feeling of accomplishment.
 

 
 

—-- Some atheist faggot who thinks he accomplished something and totally missed the point

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