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The screen that caused 230000 baaawwws.

WannaCry (alternatively known as the WannaCry Ransomware Attack or the Satan Virus) was a lulzy cyber-attack that occurred on May 12, 2017, and lasted for about a week. The virus caused lots of people around the world to shit bricks, as it was able to infect around 230,000 computers.

What Happened[edit]

On May 12, 2017, people started getting something called 'WannaCry' virus, which is essentially a ransomware cryptoworm that propagates across LAN networks and the internet at large. If your PC became infected, chances are that you were retarded enough to start a suspicious .exe application, visit some shady website, or open a suspicious email.

Once your PC was infected, you had to pay $300 worth of Bitcoin, $600 if you thought they were kidding, and if you refused to pay entirely, all your files would be permanently deleted.

For the first two days WannaCry ran rampant and merrily infected and encrypted the fuck out of tens upon tens of thousands of computers. This drunken orgy of cyber thievery and annihilation went on splendidly, but alas, 'twas not to last. It was discovered that whoever made the monster also had built in a killswitch in order to prevent the virus from being studied in labs (it essentially had a URL inside of it which, when searched, would terminate the program so that CompSci X level eggheads could not run it on quarantined computers and thus find out how it works) or to have a practical way of stopping it if it ever developed sentience and grew an appetite for human flesh.

While it lasted however, WannaCry managed to fuck up about 230,000 computers in over 150 countries with most cases being reported in Russia, India, Taiwan and Ukraine (giving us some clue as to whom might be responsible). It also managed to mess up large parts of Britain's national healthcare system, with hospital computers, MRIs and blood storage refrigerators being affected.

Global money-heist is so much fun!.

Soon after, when the dust settled and some semblance of order has been established with Microsoft's rushed security patch, questions began to be raised as to who is responsible for the viral outbreak. This is where things get juicy, for it was discovered that the system vulnerability that WannaCry used was not only identified by the NSA a while ago, but that they also created the EternalBlue and DoublePulsar exploits by which WannaCry could easily enter various systems in the first place. Naturally, this info was leaked from NSA databases by a group called the Shadow Brokers whilst the secret agent scum kept their lips neatly shut, and continued so indefinitely. It was also revealed that the viral code matched the one used by the Lazarus Group, which supposedly has ties with North Korea. The Glorious Peoples Democratic Republic of One True Korea's and Supreme Eminent Glorious Leader Kim Jong Un both, deny these scandalous allegations which are nothing more than a pathetic attempt by pig-skinned feces-eater United Satan's America to blemish Best Korea. It is possible, inferring from the nature of the attack, that the main culprits were again - the Jews, or that it was all a massive money raising project for Killary's presidential campaign after Donald Trump gets impeached.

Future Development[edit]

So, WannaCry is beaten, and all will be well now, right? No, and here's why:

  1. It is speculated that the next big targets could be smartphones, as they are more vulnerable than PCs.
  2. The whole mess was made possible by the retarded NSA which not only failed to warn about an exploit that made the whole thing possible, but also designed the said exploit and then lost it. God only knows what these morons have cooked up and is waiting to be lost/stolen from them to be unleashed upon the world.
  3. Nuclear power plants, railways, dams and other important infrastructure could have been or could be targeted.

To avoid becoming a victim of the Satan virus, back up your fucking files. And use common sense about downloading random shit off the internet.

Fun With Wannacry[edit]

  1. Right click on image of WannaCry screen (the first image in the article, top right)
  2. Save
  3. Right click on friend's desktop
  4. Graphics Options
  5. Set as Wallpaper
  6. Unplug keyboard/mouse (only so much as to make them unresponsive, but so that they look plugged in)
  7. Go home
  8. ????
  9. Profit


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