Warcraft 3

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... and more to come.

Warcraft 3 was a real-time strategy game back when Asians thought it would be the next StarCraft, but then everyone realized it's shit and moved on. It became popular because of a custom map made by a 13-year-old boy, called DotA. Specifically aimed for noob people that couldn't handle clicking more than one unit. The game is set in a typical high fantasy setting with fairies, elves and orcs circle-jerking each other for a bunch of trees while a long haired pussybitch whiteknight with daddy issues turns into a goth faggot and Satan invades Earth. Every texture looks the same and a custom map managed to get more popular than anything Blizzard ever developed, likely the cause why they won't touch the real-time strategy genre past Starcraft 2.

Once Azns discovered DotA, Blizzard realized they could continue to sell expansion sets for 40 bucks so all Korean internet cafes would have a copy.


Warcraft 3's Races[edit]

Purge.jpg

Main Characters[edit]

Warcraft 3 has a bunch of stereotypical protagonists and antagonists that you could find any high fantasy creation:

  • Arthas - Cracker paladin born with Down syndrome, made knight out of pity. His set loose in the kingdom with a giant inflatable hammer, having Uther the Lightbitch as a caretaker. Uther dozes off for a minute, enough for Arthas to commit genocide on a town. After running away, he stumbles over a sword in a cave. He believes the sword is telling him to kill people. Starts killing everyone, starting with his bitch father. Escapes to the North Pole, where he gets pwned.
  • Jaina Proudmoore - Magician girl who sucks Arthas' dick at first but eventually dumps him because he turned out to enjoy sodomizing the populous. Despite being the most powerful human sorcerer on Azeroth, she never does anything but fuck herself with her staff and occasionally force a puddle to come to life.
  • Uther - Arthas' uncle, and teacher of... paladinry. Tries to stop him from becoming evil but gets pwned.
  • Muradin Bronzebeard - A cookie-cutter dwarf who helped Arthas murder the innocent (and was later venerated as a hero); later accidentally killed by Arthas for no apparent reason and was so useless that he wasn't even resurrected.
  • Thrall - Orc warchief who rides on a huge wolf and commands everyone. Seen as wimpy and pathetic by other Orcs because he ate Jaina's pussy and allied with the Humans.
  • Grom Hellscream - Another serial killer Orc bitch who kills teh humans and then his own orc bretheren because there weren't enough humans left.
  • Illidan Stormrage - The secrete gay crush of WC3 and WoW fanboys alike. Illidan is a blind demon hunter (somehow) who eventually becomes a demon himself, but sucks so bad at being one he gets captured by Blood Elves.
  • Kael'Thas - The effeminate High Elf (later Blood Elf) prince who, after the Sunwell's corruption, ragequit Azeroth and went to a demon-infested wasteland to listen to MCR and write poetry.
  • Sylvanas Windrunner - Beloved by necrophiles everywhere, this inappropriately-dressed High Elf ranger was raped to death by Arthas and then reanimated as a sex-doll. Eventually rebels by killing two dreadlords, enslaving a third, and almost killing Arthas in a PMS-induced rage. Survives into WoW where her storyline was butchered along with every other character.
  • Kel-Thuzad - A necrophilemancer that gets killed and then revived by Arthas only to become his ass-slave throughout the whole Undead campaign. Serves absolutely no plot purpose other than a deus ex machina; occasionally giving Arthas a reason to go somewhere or saving his life from banshee queens.
  • Maiev Shadowsong - A permanently menstruating Night Elf feminazi who was supposed to keep Illidan imprisoned, fails, and then goes banaynay trying to kill him. Upon finally "doing" this ("doing" meaning "showing up at the last second and taking credit for the kill") she realises that, like all women; without her man she is hollow and worthless.
  • Tyrande Whisperwind - Bitch priest who craves a threesome with Illidan and Malfurion. Almost dies at least 100 times, but being a priest is able to summon God or Allah or something to save her life. Is the racial leader of the Night Elves, despite being demonstrably incompetent in general (she was once almost killed by a small river and it took the most powerful druid who ever existed [see below] and an immensely powerful demon hunter just to fish her out).
  • Malfurion Stormrage - King of the Furries and waifu of Tyrande. Supposedly important plot character yet incredibly forgettable. Saves the Night Elves' giant weed plantation by hitting a magic bong and summoning a swarm of UFOs or something.


The imaginative plot[edit]

WarCraft 3 also has a ZOMG SO AWESOME AND DEEP PLOT divided in four and a quarter parts:

1.) Human Campaign

  • Arthas needs to kill Mal'ganis.
  • He hears about the cursed sword of power.
  • Muradin says that Arthas shouldn't touch the sword.
  • Arthas takes the sword anyway, which kills Muradin and pwns Mal'ganis
  • Tichondrius: "MWAHAHAHA YOU ARE NOW A FUCKING DEATH KNIGHT AND MY SLAVE"

2.) Undead Campaign

  • Arthas wants to kill everyone in Lordaeron.
  • The edgy motherfucker basically does that and calls in demons.
  • Archimonde: "MWAHAHAHA I CAN DESTROY CITIES BY PLAYING WITH PHALUSSES MADE OUT OF SAND"

3.) Orc Campaign

  • Grom needs to kill Kenarius.
  • He hears about the cursed fountain of power.
  • An Orc says that Grom shouldn't drink from the fountain.
  • Grom drinks from the fountain anyway and kills Kenarius.
  • Mannoroch: "MWAHAHAHA YOU ARE NOW A FUCKING FEL ORC AND MY SLAVE"

4.) Night Elf Campaign

  • Illidan needs to kill Tichondrius.
  • He hears about the cursed skull of power.
  • Furion says that Illidan shouldn't touch the skull.
  • Illidan takes the skull anyway and kills Tichondrius.
  • Kil'jaden: "MWAHAHAHA YOU ARE NOW A FUCKING DEMON AND MY SLAVE"
  • Suddenly Archimonde gets blown the fuck up by gay nightelf ghosts

The Frozen Throne

  • Arthas becomes the Lich King. That's about it.


THE END?! We sure wish it had been...

Dramatic excerpt of the storyline[edit]

W3utherbaker.png

Arthas: Glad you could bake it, Uther.

Uther: Watch your tone with me, boy. You may be the waiter, but I'm still your superior as a chef.

Arthas: As if I could forget. Listen, Uther, there's something about the cake you should know.

Arthas: Oh no. It's too late. These muffins have all been overgrazed. They may look fine now, but it's a matter of time before they turn into paperweights.

Uther: What?

Arthas: This entire buffet must be purged.

Uther: How can you even consider that? There's got to be some other way.

Arthas: Damn it, Uther. As your future sous-chef I order you to purge this buffet.

Uther: You are not my sous-chef yet, boy. Nor would I obey that command if you were!

Arthas: Then I must consider this an act of work misconduct.

Uther: Misconduct? Have you lost your mind, Arthas?

Arthas: Have I? Lord Uther, by my right of succession and sovereignty of my spatula, I hereby relieve you from your command and suspend your chefs from service.

Jaina: Arthas, you can't just...

Arthas: It's done! Those of you who have the will to save this restaurant, follow me. The rest of you... get out of my sight.

Uther: You've just crossed a terrible union, Arthas

Arthas: Jaina?

Jaina: I'm sorry, Arthas. I can't watch you cook this.


Map Editor[edit]

After beating the game, most of the WC3 players began locking themselves up to create maps for their favorite game, since the Map Editor(TM) was so easy, any 13 year old boy could use it. Typical maps created using a Map Editor:

  • DotA
  • "Arthas vs Demons", "Archimonde's Return", "Super Anime Arena" and other bullshit shat by little children which contain overpowered heroes, no plot and massive amount of fail.
  • "MY OWN SUPER COOL TD GAME", "1337|<||)2 Tower Defense" and other boring tower defense games noone plays.
  • "Uther Party", "Warcraft Football", "Find The Killer" and other mini-game stuff as boring as TD ones.

Thanks to a invasion of third-party hosting bots, nobody will ever play anything but DotA again.

Experiencing WarCraft 3 Online[edit]

  1. Search the first automatic option, 1vs1 and get pwned.
  2. Switch to 4vs4, get owned and insulted by your allies.
  3. Discover custom games where you only have to control one unit.
  4. Become a DotA player.

OR

  1. Go back to 4vs4 and start becoming a classy teamkiller.


General Strategy or "How to Succeed in WarCraft 3"[edit]

That guy knows what's up.
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If you honestly still play this fucking game, here are some good ways to troll, best performed in 4v4 Random Team, where your allies will put up with more of your shit while they hold out hope that one of the four enemies is even worse. A few options exist for epic ræp and success in Battle.Net:

Human:

  • Train Archmage and spend all remaining gold on Peasants. Use Call To Arms from Town Hall to turn them into Militia, gather them around your hero and teleport using Scroll of Town Portal to an ally's base. Select your horde and destroy their Town Hall. Use Blizzard on gold-gathering units for the lulz.
  • Mass Gyrocopters; they cost 1 food and you can shit out about 80 of them. Proceed to pwn your enemy's air assault in anti-air splash glory but, while your teammates are in awe, teleport to an ally's base and rape their Town Hall.
  • Mass Siege Engines and steamroll opponent's fortresses. Watch the flood of rage in chat.
  • Train Sorceresses and Mortar Teams. Cast invisibility on Mortar Teams, walk into enemy base and SURPRISE! Also produces copious amounts of rage.
  • Pick Human and mass towers at every gold mine. Spam riflemen for easy an easy win.
A typical newfag gathering on Battle.net.

Orc:

  • Pick Orc, train a Blademaster and right click your enemy's hero.
  • Mass Bat Riders and use Unstable Concoction to kamikaze enemy air fleet.
  • Mass Kodo Beasts and use Devour skill to eat enemy army.
  • Mass Shaman and cast Bloodlust on Peons only.

Undead:

  • Pick Undead, train Death knight, crypt fiends and a Lich every game.
  • Train Necromancers, raise corpses.
  • Mass Necromancers, raise corpses of dead Necromancers.
  • Mass Ghouls, throw at enemy cannons, raise corpses with Necromancers.
  • Have you trained Necromancers yet?

Night Elf:

  • Pick Elf, train a Demon Hunter and train furries all game. Be sure to train bird furries to spam cyclone versus Orc players.
  • Mass Moon Wells so your army never dies.
  • Achieve Mountain Furry status.
  • Get three friends and play a 4vs4 game where you all pick Night Elf. Everyone picks Keeper of the Grove as their first hero and chooses the Force of Nature skill. Gather all four Keepers, run to enemy base and turn their forest into Treants, basically destroying their entire wood income.
  • Train Dryads and fap over hot deer tits.


After endless games against basement-dwellers, you might've climbed the WarCraft competitive rankings. However, Blizzard's planned obsolescence program made crash-hacks, win-hacks and gold hacks common. Your ELL would drop when half your games are 3 second fatal error matches that feed the ego of some brazilian hacker. Seriously, nobody gives a fuck about WarCraft 3's Ranked ladders anymore. The game is dead. Not even Blizzard wants to make a more modern port of this game on their new Battle.net.

Fun Facts about Warcraft III[edit]

  • No one except DotA players give a shit about it anymore because it's more than a decade old.
  • It has one expansion pack which did nothing but put some bugs in the Arctic and set up the first two WoW expansions.
  • This game is full of ghetto 16 year old boys Brazilians playing the only game their shitty computer will run.


DotA[edit]

Nuvola
Moar info: DotA.
The cancer that killed RTS games


At any given time, DotA makes up 99.33 (repeating) percent of the games being hosted on Battle.Net, making it the only game anyone will fucking play. This is because the player is given one unit to control instead of twenty four and a base, making it easier for ass-pies to play. The problem is that the DotA community is comprised of the biggest fags on the face of this planet (and possibly others). Despite being a team game, wherein teamwork is required to eliminate the opposing team, killing anything can lead to the utmost heaps of butthurt and rage.


   
 
Fuck off nigger, that was totally my kill, why the fuck are you such a fucking faggotty fuck?
 

 
 

Internet Tough Guy

He'll totally haxxor your computers with his 1337 skillz. Of course, if you ever should back off to avoid kill stealing, your comrade will ultimately be bonestorm'd by the enemy, leading to similar levels of butthurt.


   
 
What the fuck was that? Why did you run you fucking faggot? Don't you know how to fucking play the game you fucking nigger?
 

 
 

—moar Internet Tough Guy

Those who play support heroes are too stupid to heal, tanks never buy enough armor and assassins suicide into towers. QED: Everyone who plays DotA is a fag. Big shocker.

External Links[edit]

A huge dump of W3 maps created using the Map Editor

See Also[edit]

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