Warren G. Harding

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Seal of the high yellah president.jpg

Warren G. (Gamaliel) Harding was the first President of the United States to have negro ancestry. Thanks to Harding's glorious trailblazing in 1920, the current pretender to the same title, Barack Osama Saddam bin Laden-Hussein, is eighty-eight years too late: 88 what a motherfuckin' coincidence.

Stephen Colbert and his fan army recently promoted the shade of Warren G. Harding to "minor Internet meme" as "Warren Gangstah Harding", which he will probably appreciate if there is life after death - Harding sure as hell deserves it as a man who really knew how to have a good time.


Nigrah Ancestry[edit]

First President with African-American Heritage is so Unlike Obama[edit]

Warren G. in the bling of office.

Warren G. Harding was one of eight children of a family of crackahs and near-nigrahs passin' fo' white and was almost an octoroon according to some accounts. His story is a little like the better-known success story of another octoroon, J. Edgar Hoover, America's one-man answer (two, if you count his boyfriend Clive) to the KGB. Harding, to his credit, appears not to have shared Hoover's tastes for blackmail and closet homosexuality. Check the links for details on Harding's ancestry.


   
 
How should I know? One of my ancestors might have jumped the fence.
 

 
 

—Warren Harding

Early career[edit]

Harding didn't really give a shit about politics, his main interests being sports, booze, adultery, and running a newspaper, but he married an ambitious wife (nicknamed "the Duchess") who pushed him into becoming lieutenant-governor of Ohio. Before he even got to the presidential convention, Warren knocked up his schoolgirl mistress, Nan Britton, daughter of a doctor friend.

How he got the 'publican nom'nation[edit]

Harding lived in a time when America had some crackpot theory called "democracy", but they really tried a lot harder to make it look like it worked back then, even for the elected monarch (exceptions being all of the bigger cities and rural sites of intensive exploitation, where it was always a form of organized crime).

Warren G. went through a competitive convention where there was lots of horse trading and endless debate. He wasn't a candidate and didn't even want to be one at first. He only got the nomination on the tenth ballot because he looked (and sounded, check the link at the bottom of the page) more presidential than the forgotten three who were really going for it and was always up for a good time with bootleg booze, card playin', underage lovers, chewin' 'baccy, and spittin' into spittoons.

His wife, the "Duchess", wrote his damned epitaph.

The words of the Duchess at the time were prophetic.


   
 
I can only see one word written over his head if they make him president, and that word is "Tragedy."
 

 
 

—Florence Kling Harding (nee de Wolfe), An Encyclopedia of Scandal

President Harding and the Ohio Gang[edit]

As one of the greatest presidents, Harding brought a criminal gang of cronies to power, dragged his underage mistress to Washington, and had a really GOOOOOD time in office, along the way spawning and making many cool quotes. People called his administration "The Ohio gang" at the time. They might also have invented K Street, where a special alternative White House hosted the most unsavory aspects of the administration. Thank the lord, J Street weren't even there back in them ole days.


   
 
He invited all his cronies to the White House where they drank and played poker in his study. When Nan Britton arrived, they retired to a private room. Harding liked to sit with his waistcoat unbuttoned, his feet on his desk and a spittoon at his side ...
 

 
 

—An Encyclopedia of Scandal

Jesse W. Smith, assistant to Harry Daugherty, the gang's Attorney-General, made a cute theme song for the administration.


   
 
My God, how the money rolls in.
 

 
 

—Jesse Smith, "Theme Song for the Harding Administration"

The office of the Attorney-General became known as the Department of Easy Virtue; hell, it probably should still be called that.

Have you seen the film Goodfellas? There is a sequence where the boss Pauley takes over a restaurant and sells truckloads of merchandise off the backs of the trucks at a loss because he's going to burn the place down for the insurance in the end and claim insurance on the goods to boot.

Harding's Veteran's Bureau chief, Charles Forbes, ran what later became the VA in the same way: selling a million towels that cost 34 cents each for 36 cents a dozen, sheets that cost $1.35 a pair for 27 cents a pair, and god only knows what else. He also took huge kickbacks for hospital-supply contracts and from real-estate dealers selling him land for more hospitals. Sound familiar?

There was much more.

Towards the end of Harding's time in office (and life) in 1923, a visitor took a wrong turn on a White House tour to find Warren with his hands lovingly clenched around the neck of Forbes, making one of the greatest presidential speeches of all time:

Warren G. Harding in blackface for the lulz.


   
 
You dirty rat! You double-crossing bastard!
 

 
 

—Warren G. Harding to Forbes, An Encyclopedia of Scandal

Harding also made Jesse Smith 'fess up near the end of the three-year party and, after hearing him out, said


   
 
Go home. Tomorrow you will be arrested.
 

 
 

—Warrren G. Harding to Smith, An Encyclopedia of Scandal

Smith shot himself instead, Forbes's number two did the same, and Harding decided to visit Alaska (and set a record as the first president to evar do that).

He died on the trip under mysterious circumstances, some say a stroke, some food poisoning, some a heart attack, some (lately some of his nigrah relatives) assassination. The diagnosis at the time was food poisoning and pneumonia. His schoolgirl mistress Nan Britton wrote a best-seller of loli fanfic called The President's Daughter immediately afterward.

Posthumous Drama[edit]

Welcome to the fantasy zone (or Haiti).
Harding's new crib.

Teapot Dome scandal[edit]

The biggest scandal of the post-Harding years was the Teapot Dome affair, which kept serving up drama through two presidencies (Coolidge and Hoover) after Harding's death. The chief figure was his Secretary of the Interior, Albert B. Fall, who was found guilty of taking bribes and no-interest personal loans in exchange for leasing public oil fields to his buddies. In 1931 Fall put the term "fall guy" into the lexicon by becoming the first former Presidential Cabinet member to be imprisoned.

KKK irony[edit]

In his 1987 book The Fiery Cross, "historian" Wyn Craig Wade claimed that Harding was connected with the Ku Klux Klan, having been initiated in a secret ceremony in the White House basement (or Green Room). Evidence includes taped testimony from someone claiming to be one of the initiators. Although Harding would be far from the only Klansman to carry a touch of the tar brush, nobody much believes the story because it smells like KKK or CIA disinformation. Besides, everyone knows the only secret thing in the White House basement is the super-multi-combo chapel: Church of Satan, Skull and Bones clubhouse, and synagogue.

Harding's Move to Modern Lulz[edit]

Harding on "The McLaughlin Group"[edit]

Harding started his resurrection as a posthumous Internet meme with this exchange on The MacLaughlin Group.

Discussing Osama Barack bin Laden-Hussein:

McLaughlin knew that Warren ("Ball So Hard") Harding was the first black president.


   
 
You make it sound as though this is the first time we've had a black president.
 

 
 

—John McLaughlin

Incoherent woman: "We huh huh hayvent."


   
 
Well, we, hah, hah, haven't ....
 

 
 

—Some incoherent Jewess.

McLaughlin: "Not an argument."


   
 
Warren G. Harding was a nigrah!
 

 
 

—McLaughlin, waving finger

Colbert mentions McLaughlin's mention of Harding[edit]

On Colbert's Threat down!

Stephen Colbert used the interesting exchange on his "Threat Report" as a prop to say:


   
 
I have always, always, had my suspicions about Warren G. Harding. Little-known fact that the "G" stands for "Gangstuh"!
 

 
 

—Colbert

Colbert also used the show to push the lie that the only people interested in Harding's heritage are white conservatives like McLaughlin: in fact, the keenest interest is clearly from nigrah folk who are justifiably proud of Harding's 1/8th nigrah heritage (check the links and search for yourself).

Harding the minor Internet meme[edit]

Vandal magnet on Wikipedia[edit]

Warren G. Harding is active on TOW.

Stephen Colbert's fan boys and girls understand everything Stephen says as a cryptic command to vandalize TOW and soon got to work, for example: [1], [2], [3], [4], and [5].

The wikipedo queens threw the usual drama fits then "protected" the article for three months. When Grawp joined in they lifted the level of censorship. It is "unprotected" right now so give it all the AIDS you can!

Wikia[edit]

Colbert's approval gave the meme an official sanction for wikipedophiles, so they put some unrelated shit on the officially sanctioned unfunny sites. People who think liking Colbert makes them funny made a lame article on Unfunnypedia (no link; believe, it's for your own good). People deluded that they're on the way to being Colbert scriptwriters made an equally lame article (even worse but very short so less of an insult to the brain) on Wikiality.

Rapper's stage name[edit]

Warren G. Album Cover gr.jpg

Here the ghost of Warren G. Harding is conjured up as the stage name (ie: alias) of a rapper.
This trend continued with such greats as Capone, Scarface, Jim Jones and of course, Bushwick Bill.

See also[edit]

Party hardy
  • Cynthia McKinney, a truly great African-American congresswoman who opposed the illegal invasion of Iraq from the start (alone except for Ron Paul), got thrown out of congress by New York Jews on account of that and her strange idea that Palestinians are people too, got back in through her own efforts, and is running for president in 2008. This site's article on her is utter crap.
  • Some fraud
  • President

External links[edit]


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Featured article March 6, 2009
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