Watchmen

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Ain't that the truth.
One word movie review.

Watchmen is a boring, pretentious movie based on the comic book of the same name and nature. According to most fanboys it is the greatest comic ever. Along with Watchmen the Movie, Moore is responsible for such comic book greats like V for Vendetta, The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen, Constantine, and From Hell. He also hates Hollywood's takes on his dated work enough to ban them from putting his name in the credits.

If this video makes you rage, then an hero please, butthurt fanboy.

Watchmen is another softcore homo-erotic pr0n movie (albeit moar subtle) directed by the same guy who did 300, which means it's totally going to be awesome for everybody, from the fanboys to the Hollywood Jews who made it (plus moar Jews selling boatloads of Watchmen merchandise), but horrible for Alan Moore since he hates every movie that Hollywood has made of his work because he's a naive otherkin.

Despite all efforts to dress it up as an intense R rated action movie for guys, where the men are men and the wimmins are rapebait, Watchmen is really the tale of a bromance between Rorshach, an ugly, ginger midget who likes it rough and his partner in crime fighting, Nite Owl, a mild-mannered bookish type who dresses as an owl and isn't comfortable around women.

Joining them in the faggotry is flamboyant businessman Adrian Veidt (Ozymandias) - a vegetarian and gymrat in the perfume business who has a bug up his arse about global warming. During the opening sequence look for the scene where Adrian is at what appears to be a night club. It is filled with gays, and just as the screen turns black he holds the hand of a guy. And in the scene where Rorschach and Nite Owl hack into Ozy's computer towards the end of the movie, be sure to check out his desktop for a folder marked BOYS. Srsly.

And last but not least, there's Dr. Manhattan and his giant, flaccid, blue wang flapping around for 2 hours and 40 minutes. The wang in question becomes three wangs at one point in the movie, and when there's more than one wang in the vicinity of a vagoo or pooper there's bound to be balls touching. And we all know what that means. According to most people who have seen the movie, if the fucking faggot artists could have paid half as much attention to his face as they spent on his dick we might have gotten a decent movie.

There's also a women, but no one cares about her becayse she's a little on the chunky side.

Plot[edit]

Set in a dystopian past where Richard Nixon is president for life after winning the Vietnam War, a bunch of washed-up not-so superhero (they, excluding Dr. Manhattan, don't have any superpowers) costumed vigilantes come out of government mandated retirement to try and figure out who's gradually killing them off against a backdrop of the Cold War heating up as the Doomsday Clock expires.

Characters[edit]

The Comedian[edit]

An oldfag master of killing for the lulz and the gang's Romeo, the Comedian was one of the original members of the Minutemen - the predecessors of the Watchmen, as well as an 80s troll king. Whilst still a newfag, he tries to raep the original Silk Spectre for teh lulz. After raep fail he gets surprize buttsecks with teh ghey German Gothfag Hooded Justice. Along with Dr. Manhattan he wins the Vietnam War for Amurika for for teh lulz and moar raep with Azns. Then he has hawt secks with Silk Spectre and fathers Silk Spectre II: Electric Boogaloo, and then tries to have secks with her when she's jailbait. Then he shoots hippies in the face with tear gas and the Watchmen get b& by Nixon. The Comedian responds to this with a relaxed party of coke, guns and raep. With many enemies from years of Commie and crime fighting, his murder sets Rorschach off on a quest for the real killers.

Rorschach the Mispronounced (ROAR-shock)[edit]

Rorschach taunting Dr. Wanghattan for an hero assist.

Is a troubled loner and an hero with more issues than your average /b/tard, probably because his mother was a hooker who wished she'd aborted him (and told him as much). A devout Americunt patriot, he started fighting crime after switching from lurking /b/ to /r9gay/ and worked with other fags who dressed up in gay costumes to go with their raging morality. Now an outlaw, he works solo, preferring to kill the pedos he caught with his bare hands like some kind of deranged Chris Hansen just like Chris Hansen. He is easily the most feared Watchman by Scilons due to his outright support for psychiatry.

Unlike the others, Rorschach sees the world and its problems as black and white and refuses to compromise, making him a moral loljectivist who Randroids will cream their pants over. His angsty personality and obsessive diary keeping will attract 13 year old boys who nobody understands. They will, naturally, buy all the shitty overpriced Watchmen "collectibles" from Warner Bros. and dress up as him on Halloween. Any character who has done anything wrong gets pwned by this guy, but that makes them an hero just like him.

Not the most original character, he and Night Owl make up the 2 halves of the Batman psyche with Night Owl being the liberal Bruce Wayne and Rorshach as the uncompromising, psycho Batman half.

Talking about Batman, if the Waynes weren't rescued at the movie theater in the first 3 minutes of the movie and Batman existed in this universe, this movie would have lasted a total of 10 minutes.

The first of many LARPer faggots being Rorschach on YouTube.

Also, expect to see the following Rorschach quote coming to an Anonymous near you over 9,000 posts a day.


   
 
The world will look up and shout "Save us!"...and I'll whisper "NO U."
 

 
 

—Rorschach, not a morning person.

Doctor Manhattan[edit]

Dr. Manhattan is God-like.
Common scene involving the Doctor from the movie.

Doctor Manhattan is the result of getting all of his atoms scrambled in a government lab during a nuclear fission test. He is onipotent, God-Like, a more intelligent than anyone, has no weaknesses, and gets all the bitches. Now that he looks like a long-lost member of the Blue Man Group and is prone to pathetic bitchfits over losing eveything he ever had as a regular human, he doesn't give a shit about humanity since in his near-omniscience, he knows almost everything that has happened or ever will happen, so what's the point? As the ultimate nuclear deterrent, he works for the government by first killing the gooks over in Vietnam and then protecting America from godless Commies by using his infamous cock to shoot jizz that is the equivalent in power to an atomic bomb's detonation.

He had relations with Silk Spectre II when she was jailbait up until the plot was set into motion. He leaves Earth in shame when he gets accused of giving anyone he ever came into contact with radiation poisoning. When he's not on Earth, he fucks off to Mars where he sulks and gets all emo. To demonstrate his increasing disgust with the human race, the Doctor decides to stop wearing pants, thus earning himself the nickname Cocktor Wanghattan and the lead spot in many horrible Watchmen slashfics, all in one fell swoop.

Silk Spectre II[edit]

Rapebaby of the first Silk Spectre and the Comedian, Silk Spectre II is pretty much the Watchmen's fuckdoll. When we first meet her, she is spending her civilian life as Laurie Juspeczyk after being forcibly retired by the U.S. government who further her humiliation by paying her to keep Dr. Manhattan happy, fucking the mutant freak in his lab. She finally has enough of the degradation and leaves him when she finds out that the good Doctor has been double penetrating her with clones so he can do stuff like eat sammiches and appear on talk shows at the same time as "enriching his uranium". Besides herself, she rushes off into the arms of the Nite Owl who really wants to fuck her but can't get it up unless he's wearing his owl fursuit.

Nite Owl II[edit]

Nite Owl is like a mix of Bill Nye and Tony Stark (intelligence-wise, only) with hints of your typical basement dweller. Since the government-b& LARPing, he has gone to seed as a civilian but still keeps his fursuit in his basement as well as all the weaponry he developed for the Watchmen. Has a major hard-on for Silk Spectre II however he has major issues and can't get it up unless he's dressed as an owl. When Silk Spectre comes to cry on his shoulder after breaking up with Dr. Manhattan, they revisit the good old days by suiting up in the basement and doing the deed. Pumped up on sex, they decide to get back in the game and go break Rorschach out of jail so they can find who's trying to kill them. He is a major perv who just dreams about sex, and only gets some through a pity-fuck.

Ozymandias[edit]


An egomaniacal entrepreneur who ends up being the villain of the movie, but you wouldn't know it since - as Adrian Veidt (his powerword) - he plays the philanthropist Jew with a heart of gold who just wants to help the world and make everyone realize their full potential. To finance all this good work, he uses the millions he made off marketing the old Watchmen brand (like Warner Bros.) and selling everything from hair spray to chest expanders. No surprise then that he is the raging faggot of the gang. He also has a mutant pet lynx called Bubastis, who he fucks on a daily basis.

Gallery[edit]

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Related Articles[edit]

External Links[edit]

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