Are you moody? Do you occasionally feel more comfortable being in your home than out among the socializing people of the world? Do you feel shy around the opposite sex? Are you addicted to an MMORPG or some anime? Then congratulations, you're not just a socially retarded basement dweller--you might have an awful malignancy with which you can use to explain away your failures. Because let's face it, on the Internet you just aren't cool unless you have some sort of hideous affliction to tell everyone about.
But since seeing an actual real doctor nets the very real possibility of being told that you're just a fucking pussy and need to grow up, take a bath, and get laid, that's where WebMD comes in. With WebMD, the hypochondriac's equivalent of a wet dream, even the most benign of symptoms can turn into a life threatening illness that can be used to generate e-sympathy -- all from the comfort of your own home! Thanks to the magic of the internet, any normal user can use WebMD to generate an excuse for any or all of the following:
If you buy the Season 4 DVD of House, there are scenes where House is browsing WebMD to prove it wasn't lupus.
How to become a victim
Just go to WebMD's site and you will be immediately deluged by ads for medications to rectify your particular dysfunction. Click the Symptom Checker and your gender, and click on the part of the body where you want your affliction to come from. Or, if you know the name of the affliction you want to have, go ahead and choose it out of the handy-dandy list of afflictions. Now you will presented with a checklist of possible problems. Don't hesitate to exaggerate: remember, more fucked up equals more sympathy. Always choose the worst possible symptoms, even if you're not completely sure if they apply to you or what they mean. Once you've reached the end of the selection process, you will have an exact definition of the problem that affects you. Or, you know, just pick one that sounds cool. It's not like anyone online can tell, unless you meet someone who actually has the affliction you pick, and even then, they're probably lying, so you should call them out on it.
What to do with your victim status
First, victimhood is no fun unless everyone knows about it. Join every LiveJournal community that relates to your particular defect immediately and let everyone know how bad you have it.
You should also make colorbars reminding everyone of your crippling illness and post them no less than twice a week.
What to do if you're called out
Remember, if people criticize you or make fun of you for ANY REASON or at ANY TIME, they're not criticizing the content of your messages or your logic: they're being insensitive and critical of your self-diagnosed serious medical problem. You should immediately hide behind your illness and use it to explain your actions, then recruit others who are sympathetic to you to spam and troll the offender, possibly invoking PowerWord: IRL Name. After all, YOU'RE the one who has to suffer through your self-diagnosed illness, and others have no right to imply that you're just making stuff up to get attention -- even if you are.
Translations for diseases commonly found in WebMD
- Acne = doesn't wash face and eats too much grease
- ADHD = stupid
- AIDS = loves the cock, enjoys swimming in pools
- Asperger's Syndrome = basement dweller, furry, otherkin
- Bipolar disorder = crazy
- Chronic Body Odor = doesn't bathe
- Daily sex = sucks at typing or spelling
- Eating disorder = fat or skeletally thin
- Glaucoma = pothead
- Obsessive-compulsive disorder = crazy