Kewian is a fat stupid welfare whale from The Sims Community, who also frequents More Awesome Than You. Kewian the Welfare Whale, or "Kewhale" for short, is an attention whore who keeps coming back for moar no matter how much users ridicule her dead convict husband or her retarded whalespawn son. For some reason she can't seem to help letting slip more damning information about herself and her pod, and then refuses to accept what it means. For instance, when she told forum members the doctors suspected the whalespawn of being autistic, she got angry when they said he was retarded.
Dead Convict Husband
Kewhale's most recent husband, also known as "Doug" or simply "The Dead Convict", was supposedly sent to prison for jiggling a friend's doorknob. When users refer to him as a convict, she argues that he pled "nolo contendre". They counter that he went to jail, and this makes him a convict. However, whether this constitutes a punishment for him is disputed, as prison insulated him from his shrill stupid cow of a wife.
Current rumors about his death indicate that he committed suicide by throwing himself in front of a bus to escape her. He is not an hero because he had a very legitimate reason to off himself. Also, he continues to be more useful after his death than the surviving Kewhale because she receives a check every month in the form of survivor benefits.
The Dead Convict really went to prison because he broke into an old girlfriend's house to rape her because he was so sick of being queened by the Whale. She decided to press charges against The Convict for not making her cum when he assraped her, and he went to jail where he was repeatedly and literally skullfucked by Bubba until he finally died.
Kewhale claims to have three calves, two sons and a daughter. They are all clearly stupid, being the offspring of a convict and a welfare whale, but the term "The Whalespawn" usually refers to her youngest son Will, as he is retarded. Though she admits that he takes "special classes" in school, and that the doctors say he "might be autistic", she stupidly argues that he is not a retard.
The Whalespawn is nearly as good an argument in favor of abortion as Kewhale herself is with regards to mandatory sterilization of stupid people. Whalespawn's birth was induced when Kewhale was pissed drunk at a party and passed out. The convict got fed up with her irresponsible drunkenness and anally raped her, shoved a pine cone up her ass, and threw her in a ditch naked. It wasn't much of a wait until Retard Son was born!
< kewian> Oh how do we deserve a yeast infection? < MrFalor> Because it's your body. < kewian> It can be caused by antibiotics. < Fairlight> Because you owe me a rib. < MrFalor> It's sort of like how men get enlarged prostates. < MrFalor> Then have difficulty pissing. < MrFalor> And get to have a catheter shoved in. < kewian> Its also called thrush if it happens in the mouth... (nothing disgusting) kids get this. < MrFalor> Your kids got a yeast infection of the mouth? < kewian> no < Fairlight> Just because you say (nothing disgusting) does not make it not disgusting that you have your kids eat you out. < MrFalor> Were you letting the retards lick you? < Fairlight> That's just fucking wrong. < kewian> youre wrong. < MrFalor> Add incest to kewhale's page. < kewian> oh gross..... < MrFalor> You're the one who brought it up. < MrFalor> Don't act all surprised. < Fairlight> Everyone here who thinks it's right to have your retarded children lick your pussy raise your hand. < MrFalor> heh < kewian> doesnt bother me * MrFalor rotfl. < Fairlight> ... < kewian> im ignoring your infantile crap < MrFalor> Okay, there's your quote for the incest section. < Fairlight> Okay, definitely going on the page now. < MrFalor> hahahaha < MrFalor> Baited right into that one < kewian> fine < kewian> do it < Fairlight> You realize that I have already stopped logging, yes? :) < MrFalor> So you admit your retard children are stupid? < MrFalor> And shitty? < kewian> yep
While children -can- get thrush, it's usually either something they were born with (contracting it from the mother at birth) or through non-sexual contact with other sufferers. It can also be indicative of poor hygine but can easily be treated - so she is a lazy, slobby cow who doesn't care about her children. An outbreak of thrush in a non-infant population "may be a sign of underlying HIV infection", so it's possible she also has the AIDS. Explained here
Kewhale spends all her time in front of the computer, or pretending to be a mother to her pod. However, even though she claims to have a college degree (liberal arts, holy shit I'm impressed), she insists she cannot find work. All her money comes from "survivor benefits" from her dead convict husband. She gets very offended if you call her a welfare whale, though she has never been adequately able to explain why this is true. As a side effect, since she subsists primarily on a diet of delivery pizza and does not leave for work, she is now too fat to leave her own house.
Q: How many Kewhales does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A: Only one, but you also need her dead convict husband to pay for it.
Legal Threats and Kewhale's Role in the Creation of this Page
Once upon a time, I commented that an ED page about Kewhale would be great for lulz. I followed this with the comment that I would probably never get around to doing it because I'm fucking lazy. However, when Kewhale threatened me with an internet lawsuit if I went through with it, I was forced to follow through. Fairlight is me. Khalnath 21:51, 10 June 2007 (CDT)
* Fairlight should write an encyclopaedia dramatica article for Kewhale. <Fairlight> Kewhale is largely saved from this fate by my extreme laziness. <kewian> do it and Ill find it and edit it out every day.. <Fairlight> Kewhale is obviously not familiar with the way in which Wikis work. <Fairlight> I *wasn't* going to to it, because it was TMW, but now that you've challenged me, I'll get cracking. <LilBrudder> XD <Fairlight> I hope you don't mistakenly think that the ED staff will have any sympathy of your at all. ** Here, someone asks me to do something unrelated. ** <Fairlight> Oh, sorry, I was doing prep work for the Kewhale article on ED. <kewian> yes, slander and defamation is always good.. and sueable. <LilBrudder> XD <Fairlight> Truth is the ultimate defense against slander. <kewian> you cant prove any of your lying shit <Fairlight> Fat and stupid will be instantly proven if you set flipper in a courtroom to try to sue me. <kewian> ASSHOLE <Fairlight> I'll call Whalespawn as a witness to prove he's a retard and subpoena dead convict's prison records and death certificate to prove he's a dead convict. * LilBrudder dives under a desk and shouts FIght! * LilBrudder ding ding! <kewian> cant prove whale..when I walk in on two legs * Fairlight ROFLs. <Fairlight> Doing research for Kewhale's article, I found this. <Fairlight> http://www.encyclopediadramatica.ch/Attention_whore <Fairlight> Watch the video to the end. It's lulz. <kewian> its stupid..if youre really clever use my real name... <kewian> ill sue your motherfucking ass. Win too. <Fairlight> I will. The article is entitled "Kewian the Welfare Whale". <kewian> thats not my name <Fairlight> Yes it is. <kewian> Not my legal name <Fairlight> What is it then? <kewian> Ha.. like i will tell you. <Fairlight> Yeah, I'll be sure to put it on the page then. <kewian> go ahead I can use the money.
Stupid Database is a retard from the same Sims forum who thought he'd "improve" this page. He was unfunny and got raped by OldDirtyBtard. He is a 12 year old from England who is in love with the welfare whale ever since he artificially inseminated her with her fourth child, because his own penis was too small to penetrate her huge rolls of flab. Their new child is expected to be less retarded than the Whalespawn, but not by much.
- Attention Whore
- Internet lawsuit
- Kewhale's first reaction to this page
- Kewhale's Arbchat