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—Popular Wiccan bumper sticker
Wicca, an acronym for White Isolated Chubby Cunts Association, is the shittiest, most pussy subset of the pagan expression of religion. It is favored by people too fucktarded and lazy to learn the rules of a real religion and too poor to join any other cult. Most modern Wiccans will claim to be in it for the self-expression and becoming more in touch with the world. Expect these retards to say Oh Goddess! in lieu of proper epithets.
There are two flavors of Wicca: one was invented by a Britfag named Gerald Gardner in the 1950's (even TOW agrees); the other by a woman who calls herself Silver RavenWolf for the benefit of those who were too lazy to find a real coven, panicked at the thought of having to deal with real priests, or found that The Ardanes was TL;DR. Since all 16-year-olds agree that Silver RavenWolf understands the true meaning of Wicca better than that weird old bearded fart and 16-year-olds know everything, that's the version documented in this article.
Wicca has only one rule: An it harm none, do what ye will, which makes Wicca as pussy as it is stupid. Wiccans delude themselves into thinking they can perform "magick" just by lighting candles and dancing around naked with shiny rocks laid on the ground in mystical patterns.
If you see a tumblr, Live Journal, Facebook, etc. profile saying something like Proud to be a witch ! ! !, you can be 99.9% confident that you're dealing with a Wiccan. You can also visit Spellsofmagic.com, the biggest gathering of cultfags (and cutfags, amirite?) in this universe.
Wiccans are divided into little gangs called "covens" or "groves, usually with contrived and melodramatic names like The Silver Moon Circle, the Black Pentacle or The Raven and the Rose. Seriously. Wiccan covens are full of pot smoking, alcoholic female fatties (unless they're too young to drink, in which case they're just fat and stoned), with a few token males who join out of faggotry or in a pathetic attempt to get laid.
Wiccans can be easily confused with obsessed fans of the fantasy genre, for instance people who dress up as Harry Potter or Lord of the Rings characters (though there is, in fact, some overlap). Another group easily mistaken for Wiccans are LARP and Dungeons & Dragons roleplayers. However, there is a simple way to distinguish these groups from Wiccans. The essential difference is that these cosplaying and roleplaying nerds, while annoying and immature, know that they're just playing a little fantasy game, whereas the Wiccans actually believe that their magic wands and elvenlore are real things. This often leads to a painful disillusionment, when a Wiccan realizes that he or she cannot pay the rent or find a job by casting a magic spell, and e-begging commences
Wicca is really just dumbed-down Satanism for really fucking lazy white people. Wiccans will try to convince you that their religion has nothing to do with Satan by claiming that their religion is over 9000 years old, because any ancient religion that involves at least one goddess was obviously a branch of Wicca.
Since Wicca has no established doctrines, half of the things they do are pulled out of the Coven Leader's ass or read in a book by Silver Ravenwolf. The other half is a mish-mash of pseudo-religion stolen from Medieval Catholic documents on witches, Harry Potter, Disney films and Buffy the Vampire Slayer. When confronted with that fact, Wiccans will scream "NO U" and then proceed to bitch about how Christians stole everything from them. The few Wiccans who don't subscribe to Silver RavenWolf's watered-down new-age claptrap might tell you that most of their religion is derived from a Book of Shadows that only the innermost circle of Wiccans are allowed to read. Like the Xenu story, this is probably because its contents are so dumb that you can only be given it when you absolutely have to believe it.
Wiccans worship the Tripple Goddess as their deity. If you ask Wiccans what the goddess’s characteristics are you’ll never get a solid answer because they really don’t have a fucking clue and will likely each tell you something different. Again, there are no rules or doctrines in Wicca so it’s all a bunch of individual bullshit put under a single banner. Generally, the goddess has characteristics that reflect the Wiccan’s worldview along with something about nature or some stupid bullshit like that. If Wicca is a bad fanfiction of satanism then the Tripple Goddess is a shitty self-insert OC.
Some Wiccans also worship the Horned God to attract edgelord satanist metalhead males to their cult and keep them as long as they can before they inevitably leave after realizing these bitches are too damn crazy to even bother going through the trouble of trying to get laid. Although the autistic wizard LARPer who they picked up from the DnD table might stay a little longer since he probably thinks it’s just a LARP game.
The Wiccan idea of the afterlife is usually a temporary afterlife realm followed by eventual reincarnation without any reward, judgement, consequence, karma, or retribution (a concept taken straight from New Age bullshit). Basically everyone goes, even those who kick puppies (somewhere a Bhuddist is killing themselves in 20 lifetimes over this shit). Since Wicca has no real rules or doctrine the afterlife realm’s description can vary based on whatever wish-fulfillment fantasy the average Wiccan indulges herself in everyday because she’s still stuck in high school, has no boyfriend, and hates her parents. The most common idea of such afterlife realm is Summerland: a land of endless summer, because endless 90° heat with 90% humidity is apparently how a sweaty middle class landwhale who always has the AC cranked up wants to spend eternity (at least Hell is a dry heat).
The only general rules are as follows:
- Women are the bestest
- Magic is totally real you guis
- Being "in touch with nature" excuses everything else, even driving a SUV with only one person in it.
Since Wicca does not require any special tools, ordained priests, or even a building to worship in, it is the ideal cult for lazy poor people, even though Wiccans are still encouraged to buy loads of worthless plastic crap from occult shops and Etsy vendors. This means that even though Wicca is as phony as Scientology, at least it won't fuck you out of your money.
Wicca is the official religion of feminism, as all real religions (whose host cultures survived) refuse to give women power. Wicca is believed to spread furfaggotry and otherkinism, making it a sort of gateway drug of faggotry.
The Holy Tools of the Trade
Modern witches are insane, attention whoring, self-injuring 16 year old girls that are very easy to troll. They hate to be confused with Goths, emos or vampires and will totally cast a spell on you if you do. Any green asshole wishing to pursue an exciting career as an internet troll should seek out witch communities.
Wiccans over the age of thirty are extremely rare, partially due to the fact that they have no time for such nonsense once they have been kicked out of their parents' basement, but mostly because they have been brought to justice long before that. The rare Wiccan past thirty is most often a fat woman who believes her cats are 'children', or a dragon-shirted male suffering from terminal fail.
They wear black almost universally, even though real Europagans wore white, because they believe it makes them look less fat. Wicca is usually matriarchal, while real Europagans were usually led by male druids (the equivalents of doctors and lawyers, so if you meet anyone who calls him or herself a druid, ask to see his/her Ph.D or license). Everything about Wicca is designed specifically to scare conservative Christians, which is completely out-of-line with pre-Christian paganism and makes Wicca more of a trolling technique than a real religion.
Wiccans may tell you that they're descended from six or more generations of Wiccans, despite the fact that they live with their affluent vanilla parents and that Wicca has only been around since 1954 (1951 if really stretching it and considering Ancient History). Failing this, a Wiccan may also claim to have been reincarnated several times over (almost always as a well-known historical figure, such as Cleopatra; lulz ensue if you bring two (or more!) people who claim to be the same person together), or whine about the poor witches persecuted in Salem. Wiccans who are called out on their bullshit or don't do either of the above may instead call themselves Gypsies, even though Gypsies (or Roma is you don't want to be racist) are a race of smelly Indians who lie and steal, giving them more in common with niggers than with Wicca or its supposed origins. Note: Oh and BTW ,every (moron)wiccan is a fucking teacher (pretty pathetic)
The "Many" Uses of Witches
- Is that the Star of David?
- Mention you know all about Wicca because you've seen all of the Harry Potter movies.
- Point the ridiculousness of spell casting in the current year, or believing in necromancy.
- Demand vouchers so they can prove they don't belong to Team RavenWolf.
- Ask them how to cast a spell on the IRS so you can stop paying taxes.
- I'm just doing whatever feels right for me, like trolling your fake ass.
- If they're under 18, ask them how they can be Wiccan if Wicca requires one to do things with an adult that no one underage is allowed to do.
- Tell them : Repent, Jesus loves you! (remember, God give you a mission to guided the wicked, do it!)
- Ask them to define hocus pocus in fine detail.
- Ask if they weigh the same as a duck.
- Remind them that no real witches were persecuted in Salem during the witch trials.
- Ask for a spell to smite your annoying neighbor.
- Tell them that worshiping any god other than Yahweh is equivalent to Satanism and that they should be put to death for it.
- When encountering a self-proclaimed "solitary Wiccan," ask her if she performs the Great Rite solo.
- Point out that the essence of magick is (like all other religions) just wishing really hard, and refusing to admit that it doesn't work.
- Point out that their "Five-Fold Kiss" does indeed involve genitalia and boobs, because Gerald Gardner was a horny old man pining for teh Secks. If they start to yell at you, point out that they don't know their own religion's most basic "rituals".
- Tell them that Gerald Gardner hated faggots and as such homosexuals should not be allowed to join their cult.
- Ask them if they found Jesus and give them a copy of the bible or a copy of the Watchtower or Chick tract.
- Point out it just doesn't fucking work.
- Point out that if it did work, burning witches at the stake would be a sensible precaution for a society to take.
- Remind them that magick's not real, because if it was there wouldn't so many fat, ugly wiccans.
- Black Phoenix Alchemy Lab
- Dave Henry
- Psion Guild
- Winged Wolf
- Wicca: a Neopagan, Earth-centered religion
- The Wiccan Church of Canada
- The Celtic Connection
- How to deal with a witch when you've spotted one
- Magic Spells
- Why you became Wiccan in the first place
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