Nintendo is a console manufacturer, video game developer and publisher. Its games are ostensibly for kids up to the age of twelve. But Nintendo occasionaly panders to its retarded manchild fanboys. This include creating unfeasible local party games you can't play because you are dying alone and too much of a dumbfuck to know how to set up a PC LAN. Yea. good luck finding three friends who all have a game boy advance and hqppen to have a game boy advance link cable to play Zelda multiplayer.
The wapanese gaming empire that has spawned the likes of Mario and countless other pixelated games all started when Yamauchi, then president of Nintendo (back when it still made gambling cards), visited the United States and went "HORY SHET! YOUR OFFICE SO SMARR!" after discovering the success of the Atari. This prompted him to try his luck with electronics.
Enter Shigeru Miyamoto, product developer in charge of developing the casing for exciting games such as Light Tennis. Since he worked a job that was almost impossible to fail at, he rose into the company ranks and moved on to developing Monkey Kong (not a ripoff of King Kong), whose translation he ended up fucking up since he didn't know shit about English. Nevertheless, the game was a hit in wop pizza parlors and Nintendo became the best source of income for the Japan, second only to hentai.
Nintendo Entertainment System
In 1985, Shigeru was growing tired of selling games to little Japanese boys and not American boys. So, he expanded the NES's market so eighties children could bitch for $200 on a console instead of a quarter for the much better hardwired arcade machines. The revenue was enough for Nintendo to help all the children of Kenya, but they didn't. Instead, they created a toy robot named R.O.B. to help Nintendo take more of American parents' money with two worthless games to go with it.
What's better than shitty graphics on an old 8-inch TV? That's right, shitty graphics on a brick with a three-inch screen! The Game Boy featured games that were less challenging, much less exciting than those on the NES and only came with four colours. The Pokémon series were the only reason anyone bought the gray piece of shit, and for that, it's been remade into the Game Boy Pocket, then the Game Boy Color, the Game Boy Advance, the Nintendo DS, and most recently the Nintendo 3DS, all of which eat your batteries and electric bill like a fatass.
Dark clouds were on the horizon. Sega entered the market and immediately began anally raping Nintendo with Sonic the Hedgehog. To combat this situation, Nintendo released the SNES, which featured remakes of all their best-selling games on the NES, something that would become a sin in their later consoles.
Eventually, Nintendo actually gained some common sense and made a quality product, deemed the "Virtual Boy". This ingenious, super-portable device would allow you to strap it to your eyes with the included head strap and fully immerse yourself into the gaming experience. It even came with a two leg kickstand and marvelously designed controller. The Virtual Boy was a huge hit among the masses, partly because of it's enormous library of quality games; with beautiful graphics to boot! It was also the first gaming medium to offer "TRUE 3D graphics." That shit blew people's fucking minds at the time of its release and only served to increase its popularity among hardcore and casual gamers alike. Unlike shitty modern day handheld consoles, the Virtual Boy offered a soothing, immersive, functional and non-straining 3D sensation that didn't want to make you gouge your eyeballs out. All of this plus a cheap price point concocted the ultimate gaming device.
Unfortunately, Shitendo had to be faggot jew scum and discontinue the Virtual Boy console. A damn shame too, it was known as Nintendo's only decent product. But hey, if the bigheads down at Nintendo Headquarters were known for their incredible business smarts and flawless work ethic, then the Wii U wouldn't be the biggest flop since forever. Swish!
Nintendo was initially working with 3D-like games on the SNES, such as Starfox. But after Miyamoto had yet another stroke of genius, he canned all of the SNES projects and assigned the worst video-game controller ever to his upcoming masterpiece. Fortunately, by this time, the Sony Playstation had already come out with the far superior emos and elves game, Final Fantasy VII, so the N64 was utterly defeated.
Nintendo responded to the Xbox and Playstation 2 with a console incompatible with CD's, DVD's and pretty much anything else. So for the same price, a person could buy either a console that could play CD's, DVD's and games like Final Fantasy or Halo, or said person could buy a console that would only play exciting rehashes like Mario Kart: Double Dash and Starfox Adventures.
The DS is a shitty wannabe PSP, with lower specs than the 486 in your attic. It seriously only has 67MHz and a whopping 4mb of RAM. And a resolution of 256x192. This means it can only play shitty games like Pokeman and Final Fantasy IV.
Rather than aim at making a console similar to its competitors Playstation (PS3) and Microsoft (Xbox 360), Nintendo chose a different route and decided to make a game with a remote for a controller and advertise it with old Japanese men coming over to people's homes and saying "We like to play," in their commercials. It featured the typical Mario remakes as well as "sports" games such as bowling and golf, because it's better to play at home and knock down pixelated pins rather than real ones, right?
Twilight Princess was Wii's launch title, but the Gamecube version is just as playable, not to mention that it has a REAL controller, so why pay $250 for a new system?
After most people realized the Wii was just a Gamecube with wagglin', the top dogs at Nintendo decided it was time to show people that a game console with computer hardware from
2007 2009 is better than the 2004 hardware in the Xbox 360 by putting an iPad in the controller and using a bird to make their system look good and not like old outdated trash. When asked about E3 2011, most Nintendrones just say LOOK AT TAHT WATARRR!!1!
Take note, this is 2002.
The next console in the works released in March 2017. It's a shitty combination of the 3DS and the Wii U - but with less benefits. This is, without exception, a really fucking desperate attempt to stay relevant in today's collapsing gaming market.
It's easy to spot a Nintendo fanboy. They usually have a Nintendo keychain, thick glasses (because playing Nintendo at 2:00 AM ruined their eyes as a kid), acne, messy dandruff-ridden hair and for some reason like the taste of watermelons from playing too much Yoshi's Island or Kirby. Often, they'll quote lines of famous Nintendo characters, such as "Pikachu!" or "It's a-me, Mario!"
- If they're tourneyfags (obsessed with tournaments), remind them that Nintendo consoles are for casual gamers.
- Tell them Microsoft and Sony are far more successful companies.
- Remind them Nintendo started off making gambling cards.
- Tell them that Nintendo also created love hotels. Simply put it, love hotels are hotels that allow couples to fuck each other.
- Tell them that Nintendo owns the rights to a Mario porno starring Ron Jeremy.
- Say that Sonic could kick Mario's arse.
- Tell them the Mario Bros. series is based on an acid trip.
- Tell them that the Genesis was better then the SNES.
- Tell them that without shitty rehashed exclusives, Nintendo would be dead.
- Tell them Mario is a Communist.
- Also tell them that he's a psychopath to boot.
- Tell them Pokémon converts people to furries.
- Remind them that Mario is pathetic, and his girlfriend gets constantly kidnapped by a fucking turtle.
- Remind them Nintendo gave up on the Final Fantasy series.
- Remind them Nintendo systems all lack worthwhile "M" games.
Be warned, fair troll, you will encounter an entirely butthurt, whiny argument lasting no less than several hours, where said fanboy will try to connive, dance, even throw red herrings and make obscene jokes about your mom. It's always best to troll them in groups of two or more, as Nintendrones are easily trolled in groups. You can start by pointing out reasons why Nintendo just plain sucks. If you make them cry or bitch, then you're doing it right.
- SEGA - DOES WHAT NINTENDON'T!!! (Like going bankrupt).
- Ninja Gaiden
- Superman 64
- Super Smash Bros
Nintendo is part of a series on
Visit the Gaming Portal for complete coverage.