William Hague

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William Hague has been a Yorkshire Member of Parliament since 1989 and would later succeed John Major as Tory (Conservative Party) leader. In 2005 he effectively became David Cameron's deputy. Then in 2010, after the formation of the Coalition Government, Hague was appointed to Foreign Secretary. Throughout his career, he has been consistently Not Gay.

Young rebel[edit]

Years before his election, Hague was remembered as that odious little teenage shitbag who cleaned Thatcher's arse in public during a Tory conference. Here's that embarrassing footage again, folks, as Wee Willie urges Thatch to set my people free, the young soul rebel:

But that's not why you're here. So let's get down to basics.

Hague the lightweight[edit]

Can't take his beer. At all. One sniff of a bag of wine-gums and Hague falls over then wets himself. This is more of an embarrassment than you'd think, because for an Englishman, especially a Northern Englishman, and particularly a Yorkshire Englishman, it's the equivalent of having your micropenis photographed and the pics sent to your employer (in case this oh-so-sophisticated analogy is lost on readers in the colonies, the employer is the electorate).

As a nipper, he worked as a drayman (look it up, fucko) and in 2000, in a transparent attempt to gain some sort of "man of the people" street-cred, the then-Tory leader claimed to have drunk 14 pints of beer a day on a regular basis. (English beer, we mean, not that carbonated piss they sell over the Atlantic).

Sadly, his boast backfired and hit him splat in the face like a drunk tying to projectile vomit into a force nine headwind, as it emerged that not only could reporters locate absolutely no witnesses to Hague's alleged imbibing in his home town, but on the contrary he had a reputation among contemporary acquaintances as a man who just couldn't hold his ale. Scornful nicknames for the young would-be PM included "Billy the Pop" and "Billy Fizz".

Then-Prime Minister Tory B Liar (lolololol!1!11!) may be an evil cunt of unparalleled magnitude, but he did catch the national mood of disbelief and mirth by using Hague's extravagant claim across the floor of the Commons in what was (by Parliamentary standards) a devastating putdown:


   
 
Everything makes sense after 14 pints. John Redwood looks sane. Michael Portillo looks loyal... even William Hague looks like a prime minister.
 

 
 

Tony Blair

And with that, having been thoroughly pwnt in the ass, Hague sank back into well-deserved obscurity and half a diet Coke with ice and lemon. No, wait, that's not what happened at all.

Hague: A manly man's man[edit]

William Hague

Hague used to engage regularly in judo matches with notable Britfag celebrity athlete Sebastian (Lord) Coe, and indeed WH invested a handsome sum in a company run by Coe (he sadly lost the lot when Coe's business went down the shitter). But there have been persistent rumours that the pair's sweaty, grunting, all-wrasslin', no-holds-barred one-on-one sessions went a bit deeper than that. Knowing Hague, about four inches deeper. These claims have almost been kept out of the media, but were included in a book about MI6 and its legendary dirt-files on prominent MPs. Sadly, the reference was struck out prior to publication, but happily the missing bits were subsequently restored, and the pertinent bit reads: "The services are also aware of the sexual relationship between Mr Hague and Mr Coe."

Oddly enough, as Foreign Secretary William Hague is now in charge (or notionally in charge, at any rate) of MI6. In 2010, Hague denied the obvious innuendo about his relationship with a handsome young graduate called Christopher Myers, who he had taken on all-expenses paid jaunts across Europe while Foreign Secretary.

Oh and turns out they'd also shared an overnight hotel room prior to Myers's appointment as Hague's special advisor, although Hague denied that any impropriety occurred. He claimed that they'd bunked up together to save money. While this excuse smells as fishy as a whorehouse in August during a soap shortage, Hague is both a Yorkshireman and a Tory so it's just about possible to believe him on this one.

But it's not just the British public who are pruriently curious about what Hague does with his dick (assuming he has one). US spies were sufficiently intrigued to cable their London Embassy for information on one Alan Duncan, ahead of the UK's 2010 General Election.

Alan Duncan? Who he? He's an openly gay tory MP who used to share a flat with his old friend William Hague, and who somehow got a job under Dave as International Development Minister. The cable to the USA's London Embassy called the information received concerning the "friendship" between Hague and Duncan "particularly insightful and exceptionally well timed" ... but what that information was we have no idea, because British comms weren't compromised in the leak. Boo!

Mossad hit[edit]

In January 2017, it was revealed to the astonishment of all that an Israeli diplomat in the London Embassy was in fact an agent of The Mossad. Shai Masot was taped bragging about securing £1m to pay for MPs to visit Israel (no such thing as a free lunch, guys), boasting about trying to topple Jeremy Corbyn, and fishing for dirt on MPs in general and Alan Duncan in particular.

Prior to coming to London, Major Masot spent eight years in the Israeli Navy’s ‘Special Unit’ and worked in Israeli Defense intelligence. He was taped saying that he is ‘not a career diplomat’ and his job in the UK was ‘to take care of specific political issues – that’s what I do’. Hilariously, Masot disclosed that he went for a job working directly under Jew prime minister Benjamin Netanyahu, joking: ‘It was a huge fight… me and another candidate... I tried to kill him but it didn’t work.’

The Jews went straight for the old 'one bad apple' defense, issuing a statement saying: 'The comments were made by a junior embassy employee who is not an Israeli diplomat, and who will be ending his term of employment with the embassy shortly. Ambassador Regev on Friday spoke with Minister Duncan, apologised for the comments and made clear that the embassy considered the remarks to be completely unacceptable.'

An anonymous former cabinet minister spoke to the press about the scandal:

   
 
British foreign policy is in hock to Israeli influence at the heart of our politics, and those in authority have ignored what is going on.
 

 
 

   
 
For years the CFI [Conservative Friends of Israel] and Labour Friends of Israel (LFI), have worked with – even for – the Israeli government and their London embassy to promote Israeli policy and thwart UK Government policy and the actions of Ministers who try to defend Palestinian rights.
 

 
 

   
 
Lots of countries try to force their views on others, but what is scandalous in the UK is that instead of resisting it, successive Governments have submitted to it, taken donors’ money, and allowed Israeli influence-peddling to shape policy and even determine the fate of Ministers.
 

 
 

   
 
Even now, if I were to reveal who I am, I would be subjected to a relentless barrage of abuse and character assassination.
 

 
 


So, let's think. A former Tory cabinet minister, viciously smeared by Israel during his time in office due to his pro-Palestinian attitude, who might be connected to rumours about Alan Duncan in some way.

Nope. Haven't a clue.

Moralfag PS[edit]

There is of course nothing wrong with being a disgusting, diseased, pox-ridden, poppers-soaked arsebandit who can hide a traffic bollard just by sitting on it, but since happily-married William Hague isn't one of those, and has endorsed anti-gay-equality views both in and out of Parliament, it hardly matters.

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