Wolfenstein

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Wolfenstein 3d[edit]

Wolfenstein 3d is a first person shooter, the very first to attempt to simulate reality; more specifically, /pol/.

The story is simplicity itself: You are B.J. (standing for Blow Job) Blazkowicz, a Jew and a veteran shitposter of /b/ who has made the mistake of straying to /pol/. You have been captured by stormniggers and must escape /pol/ before they gas the rest of 4chan with their stupidity.

In the beginning there was Nazi Bullet Bumrape[edit]

Wolfenstein-1-.jpg

When the game was first published, it was a major shock to most PCtards. Now, instead of watching a tiny retard on your screen kill other tiny retards, you could BE that tiny retard and see through his eyes! The game engine is rather limited: you can't look up or down, and every single level is horizontal-only, built out of 90 degree angles consisting of various textures, doors, and /pol/ denizens to shoot.

In the shareware version (Or first episode) your goal is to escape from castle /pol/, or in other words travelling through 9 levels, blasting /pol/yps and grabbing guns, jew gold, and food along the way.

Eventually you escape castle /pol/ after killing the main boss, the head stormnigger, and the final scene shows B.J. walking to freedom with two French hookers under his arms drinking some high end liquor he looted from some burned out German villa, you know WWII stuff.

In this game, we're gonna be doin' one thing and one thing only...[edit]

Wolfenstein 3d, the movie

There are other episodes that try to play it off like every level doesn't look exactly the fucking same and you find out there are really four different kinds of guards. Eventually you run into Hitler who is wearing a giant mechanical suit with dual mounted chainguns and an automatic methamphetamine dispenser that is hooked up to his veins. Historians believe he used the mecha-hitler suit to strike fear into the hearts of Jews as he marched across central Europe strafing the war-torn ghettos which were set aside for subhumans.

I'm in ur base, gassing ur jooz

After hitting Mecha-Hitler with over 9000 bullets Hitler abandons the suit, and comes at you with, what else, chainguns in each arm. Then it is up to the player to convince him that everything he did was bad, causing him so much troll's remorse that he kills himself and Eva Braun (who had been in the kitchen the entire time, making the Fuhrer's sandwich.) His final words are "I did it for the lulz." which sounded pretty badass on a brand new Soundblaster 16. You can tell that jews made the game, because Hitler dies in the most brutal way ever - I don't think a chaingun can turn someone into a pile of guts saving for their head.

Wolfenstein 3D also had a stand alone expansion entitled Spear of Destiny which boasted five different types of monsters. The story behind it is a plot in which the Nazis plan to use religious relics to create a superweapon, which is a fresh and original story that I have never seen anywhere else before.

/Pol/yps To Kill[edit]

  • Guard: Simplest and most retarded /pol/yp, the Guard is dressed in a brown uniform, helmet, and carries a pistol. He'll walk straight toward you like a fucking moron, maybe occasionally 45 degrees to each side, and will eventually stop, aim his gun, and shoot, perhaps once hitting you in a blue fucking moon. To compensate for this, there are four million of them in each room alone.
  • SS: A more advanced /pol/yp, the SS trooper carries a submachine gun and is annoyingly fucking accurate, ensuring that if you're enough of a dumbass to stand in front of him while he's aiming you're going to die, period, from the amount of bullet bumrape he'll spew. He has more health, too, and moves quicker. Known by his blue uniform and perfect Aryan features.
  • Officer: White-shirted closet Klansman who is essentially a less retarded Guard. Carries the same pistol, but doesn't walk like he's on a fucking Sunday stroll, and actually aims quickly enough to be a threat, as opposed to slowly taking out his gun, fapping with it, then finally getting around to pointing the damn thing. Annoying due to his tendency to appear up your ass and take a shot before you can turn around.
  • Mutant: Subhuman cunt with a pistol sticking out of his chest for some reason. Does a Michael Jackson dance with his arms which somehow makes his pistol fire. The most annoying out of all enemies, since he doesn't announce his presence with angry German, and actually doesn't even have to fucking stop and aim before shooting, even though he's just as accurate as an SS trooper.
  • Dog: Poor German Shepherd that's probably been raped by the /pol/yps two hundred times. Dies from one shot and thus is literally pointless. Not even a literal roomful of these pose a threat.

Shitposting Apparatuses[edit]

  • Knife: Shanking device. Only used if you're out of ammo. Pointless and will get you assraped, though it's a source of lulz if you stand behind a door and shank the /pol/yps one by one as they come through like the autists they are.
  • Pistol: Shitty Luger with an infinite magazine (loading as many bullets as you can carry, which is exactly 99). Usually only good on Guards, Dogs, and maybe Officers.
  • Machine Gun: MP40 which SS drop. Good rate of fire, excellent /pol/yp killing power. Your trusty assrape-machine.
  • Chain Gun: Gatling gun which drops truly enormous amounts of rape. Can make SS troopers its bitch. Eats ammo like a starving kid in Uganda eats his dead mother's corpse, though, so it's completely pointless compared to the machine gun.

See Also[edit]