Anyone asking for donations to pay the server bills is trying to scam you.
Xfire is a gaming community created by Raza, a former sheep lover and life long fan of the internets, and currently under the ownership of Tosspot, a convicted rapist with the lowest IQ in recorded history. The site is run as a dictatorship, similar to that of Iraq or Nazi Germany, and anyone who opposes the system is castrated by a loyal legion of furries. The purpose of xfire, besides being an outlet for stupidity and CP, is to further Tosspot's goal of raping every ferret in existence.
Xfire was originally intended to be used for the exchange of important gaming information, but it was quickly invaded by a band of gamers who wanted to exchange youtube links. Eventually, the founder of xfire, Raza, was murdered via buttsecks by a marauding band of netcoders.be forum members. Crossfire, having seen it's Demi-God and leader murdered, was sent into a state of panic and shock, it seemed all was lost.
From then on, crossfire was taken over by Stuart "Tosspot" Saw, who began giving out banhammers like Gary glitter gives out candy in the park. Tosspot proceeded to rape and molest crossfire of every bit of lulz, taking away free speech and creating the band of gestapo furry police: this group exists solely to delete, nuke and ban any user who criticizes Tosspot or posts any original content. The Furries are headed by Fusen, who is so badass he once hacked a Vbulletin board.
After Tosspot came to power, the youtube sharing went into full swing. Every journal, forum post and news article is now a repost of videos which have been circulating since the dawn of the internets. Tosspot has publicly stated that he likes it this way, and that any attempt to post new, interesting content will result in an immediate banhammer.
Stuart "Tosspot" Saw
In 1999 Tosspot was convicted of raping child stars Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen. The actual IRL Banhammer was only 3 hours, partly because Tosspot sucked off the majority of the jury, and partly because Mary-Kate and Ashley deserve to be raped.
Tosspot is well known for being a corporate gimp. He is controlled by any number of large gaming organizations, who all use him to publicize their racist propaganda. He does this willingly, as part of his larger agenda: to make sure every website features at least one link to the numa numa youtube video. Tosspot is also well known for conspiring to destroy the ET community. He has used his influence to have the team sizes changed to 5, so that he could hold his nerd orgy, and as of Last Thursday, have them changed to 0 and require that all teams post a link to atleast one old youtube video, somewhere on the internet.
On November the 5th, 5 crossfire users staged a revolution. They posted long, well articulated, well thought out, original content, and encouraged other users to do the same. Not long afterwards, they were sodomized by Fusen and his band of merry Furries, who deleted the content and warned everyone else that "Originality will not be tolerated". The five members, whose assholes were so badly damaged that they could no longer sit down, decided against a direct attack, and formed their own website, ETtruth. Tosspot, who inexplicably forgot that he has no actual power, ordered WordPress to take down the blog. Wordpress replied, citing paragraph 12 of section 2, the "Who the fuck are you?" clause. Following this, Tosspot became depressed, in part because he realised how sad his life is, but mainly because he had ran out of old youtube videos. Tosspot then turned to opium, which allowed him to hallucinate the numa numa dance in a variety of colors.
Tosspot currently spends most of his time bingeing on opium and banning crossfire members who post anything other than links to youtube videos.
The Crossfire url was changed by Tosspot, who found that it was easier to bend over and take buttsecks from large multinational gaming corporations when your website didn't look as though it was from Belgium, a mythical country started by a waffle maker. The new url was released Last Thursday.
The new url is actually an attempt at mind control. Tosspot wanted to find a way to probe your mind with his penis, and found that the best way to do this was to kill lulz and use obscure domain names that only niggas and jews had ever heard of. The domain is also believed to be affiliated with the occult, and was once the sex slave of Adolf Hitler, a famous Jew.
A list of current comrades:
- Founder and Demi-God, now codes cheats purely for the lulz.
- Current owner and free speech terrorist. Also a happy flower addict.
- Script Kiddie, stoner and owner of the worlds worst sense of humour.
- Was previously the start of a hit BBC children's television show, now spends his time trolling and banning anyone who insults large mammals.
- Self proclaimed emo, owns a thesaurus but is, in fact, completely illiterate.
- Chief coder, writes PHP while high on MDMA and fruit loops.
- No one knows who the fuck this guy is. Something to do with fish.
- Irish nationalist, is well known for harboring hackers and being less literate than foonr.
- Once burst into tears when someone criticized his choice of pants on Ventrilo.
- Was once a member of the Clanbase third Reich, now spends his time dressing like a Bee.
- Was once a well known hacker, now spends his time playing IRL poker with potter.
- Referred to as "that movie guy", once spent 4 years editing a 10 second clip. "I had to get the shine effect just right, or people wouldn't like me".
- Well known for luring children into ventrillo channels and having unprotected sex with linux servers.
- Head of the Esoteric Sex League, commonly referred to as the ESL, also believed to be a Nazi war criminal.
- Newswriter and part time lawyer.
- Was once spammed over 7 billion times by Xfire user Poo, Poo found it was offended that Rafiki did not reply and quickly became an hero.
Arachon, bo, Sainted, SonDac
A detestable creature who inhabits a 24 hour waking cycle, the majority of which is spent posting on crossfire. His position was compromised, however, when in the midst of an opium binge tosspot promoted him to admin. When promoted to admin lolkino was put in a difficult position: his nature told him to spam, but his duties, and the power fix, told him otherwise. This confusion led to some truely strange behavior. For instance, lolkino would called his own mother a whore, nuke his own comment, claim admin abuse, then banhammer himself for 5 minutes. Eventually, for his own sake, he was savagely raped by Fusen, thus removing him of his admin status. Tosspot approved of this, and gave Fusen a hit from his opium pipe. It was so strong that Fusen hallucinated for 3 days straight, which led to the idea for the LOLCAT phenomenon. With the development of LOLCATS, Tosspot escaped his depression: one day, in the future, LOLCATS will become old, and there will finally be something to post on crossfire.
Quakecon And The Urtier Scandal
Quakecon is a nerd orgy sponsored by ID, a multinational conglomerate responsible for global warming. The orgy is a competition to find out who can download the most anime tentacle porn in a given period of time. The contestants organize into teams of 6 players and browse the intenets looking for the material. The event is broadcast to over 10 people worldwide. The winners of Quakecon '06 were idle.ee, a group of smugglers from Estonia. When publicising Quakecon '07, the organizers posted pictures of the previous tournament on the internets. Al gore, the leader of the internet, decided that the pictures did not contain enough masturbation material to be a part of the system of tubes. Gore ordered that the picture be taken down and replaced with one that he could happily spank his monkey to. The Quakecon organizers decided to replace urtier with a 16-year-old girl.
Nerds who saw the picture were outraged that they were not considered sexy, and even more outraged when they found out that Al Gore would not masturbate to them. A journal was written in protest and in the defence of urtier, but it the discussion quickly degraded when people realized that Urtier is obese.
Within 1 hour, the journal was deleted. A new journal was posted and discussion continued. The majority of crossfire sheeple were convinced that urtier was sexy, but Tosspot did not agree. In a news post regarding the matter, Tosspot explained that the only truly sexy beings on earth are ferrets and 16-year-old girls.
The deletion of the Journals is considered as evidence of Tosspots affiliation with large gaming corporations, and it is a widely accepted fact that any time people with money ask, Tosspot will perform buttsecks.
Netcoders are an after school club who specialize in creating and exporting illegal drugs, which can be ordered at their website: netcoders.be.
The drugs created by the netcoders are performance enhancing. Much like crack, which enhances retardedness, the netcoders line of drugs enhances the ability of the addict to act like an asshole on an online video game server. The drugs are considered illegal by the crossfire organization, except when used to enhance the ability to post youtube videos which were made at least 100 years ago.
Sometime in April, Fusen was contacted by Tosspot, who asked him to take down the netcoders website. Fusen googled "How to hack v-bulletin for beginners", and quickly realised the task was well within his abilities, after a short period of time he had access to the entire netcoders database: every cheater, hacker and drug addicted despot was exposed on the crossfire website. Some believe that it was irresponsible of Fusen to post the information, and it is almost certain that those people hack and molest children.
The netcoders believed that Fusen had operated outside of the law. Tosspot believed that he was the law, and he had a Judge Dread video to prove it - Quoting Judge Dread is an unbreakable legal defense. Netcoders eventually gave up their legal action against Fusen, and instead decided to move into a new business: making hax.
The new hack, named "Fusenbot", was a virus which infected the tubes of the internets, filling them with scat porn and pictures of Fusen's face. The netcoders claimed that the hack was undetectable by current anti-cheat systems, which is nothing but correct when you consider punkbuster operate on the "1 million monkeys on 1 million typewriters" philosophy. Netcoders had not considered bulldog, the cheatbuster who is so serious about his job that he tracks down and brutally rapes anyone he catches, as a threat to their plans; sadly, bulldog was a threat, and 90% of all those who used Fusenbot have now been sodomised, the other 10% had already been sodomised by their priest. It is scientifically proven that most people who use the Fusenbot would like to have sex with their own mothers.
Despite signing himself up to Tosspot's youtube empire over a year ago, nobody actually knows who KiLl3rBoY is, nor why he choses to write his name in such a way. Having said this, rumors have been overheard concerning that "everybody in my village calls me that". Since KiLl3rBoY is such a silly name to have on the normality of the internets, henceforth for the purpose of this educational article we shall refer to him simply as KILLERBOY. However since this entry was written, KILLERBOY has decided to change gender and now emulate a 16-year-old girl by call himself laika (although this is not restricted to the internets).
KILLERBOY spends approximately 8 nights every week sat at his computer screen diligently trying to pursuade anyone who will listen that he is either Tosspot's or Bulldog's prodigal son, although he cannot decide which. Of late the latter would seem to be gaining favour, aided by a series of earthquake-registering 'epicbusts' concerning figures in the community that nobody has actually heard of. In this way, KILLERBOY is able to relate to those who he finds cheating, which is a source of enormous relief to himself, having failed to find a member of the opposite sex in 16 years of roaming Al Gore's tubes.
Another favorite tactic of sol's left testicle is the making of website-collating screen captures which declare to prove the end of the world. Happily, people who actually know how to spam, such as the infamous terrorist Kendle, view such paint skills as further evidence that half-formed websites with illegible, bald-Scot provided drivel as content still have a future in the eyes of the internets. The world holds its collective breath for the day that KILLERBOY discovers gamersnation. Unfortunately, Tosspot struggled to flood the aforementioned portal with youtubes due to a nervous condition that flares up when near wild kamzs, and after failing to pursuade an admin to ban him, proceeded to find himself an opium binge, which worked very nicely thank you very much.
Xfire is part of a series on
Visit the Gaming Portal for complete coverage.