Zombie

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A Zombie is a dead person who hasn't figured out what "dead" is supposed to mean yet, and thus continues to make okay music until the 'Murcans beat back the invasion. Unlike vampires, zombies are bone-stupid and are only good for moaning and eating and ranting about the time of the season, much like Americans. Unlike most Americans though, zombies' favorite food is human flesh, particularly brains, making everyone who has ever used the internet invulnerable.

Zombie Types

Whether it's through genetic experimentation gone wrong or no more room in hell bullshit, how a zombie apocalypse starts is of no importance. What's important is what type of zombies you're dealing with.

After investing billions of dollars on zombie merchandise, internet scholars have broken zombies up into two categories, Fast and Slow. Popularized in the chav-tastic movie, 28 Days Later, the prior is truly terrifying, given that most internet users are fat neckbeards that live in their parents’ basement and are can't run for shit. The classical Slow Zombie is a much more simplistic creature, this reanimated flesh sack is capable of only the most basic biological functions and cognitive processes, those located in the ‘reptilian center’ of the brain that controls basic survival drives such as the urge to eat. Whether animals can also become zombies is debatable.

Said research has also determined that zombies are outdoor beings. They are notorious for trolling buildings and hate houses, having practically declared a jihad on doors and windows.

Surviving a Zombie Apocalypse

It’s a widely understood fact that the average nerd spends 2.3 hours of his day thinking about the Zombie Apocalypse. Zombie survival and awareness is such a pressing issue in Internet culture that the ed.se has taken it upon itself to create an omnibus of zombie infoz tailored to the average netizen.

Flight or Fight?

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In the zombie apocalypse, things are going to move VERY fast, and only the people aware and prepared will have a chance at surviving the carnage. Depending on where you live, you may decide that hunkering down and waiting out the ZA is the best choice for you. People in rural or isolated areas, who live in homes with cellars/bomb shelters/panic rooms will already have an edge - just bulk up the doors and windows and you can have yourself a nice zombie bunker. For people in urban areas with a large population, you're fucked. The more people you have near you = the more potential zombies.

But there's also a danger for those who hunker down: if the horde closes in around your domicile, you're in a siege - and that's not a good thing. The most successful ZA survivor will be one constantly on the move, a Lone Wanderer type. In an apocalypse, there's no guarantee that the safe location you plan on fleeing to won't have gone to Hell between the time of the initial outbreak and your arrival at your destined location. For either choice, here are some tips to help you along in your zombie contingency planning:

If You Can, GTFO!

In any zombie apocalypse scenario, urban population centers will quickly become fucked – survivors will have to react fast to an outbreak to survive. Firstly, get away from the cities where the rate of infection will be astronomical and head towards unpopulated terrain. Deserts and other arid climates are an ideal final destination for the savvy survivor; where the dry heat will quickly kill off any zombies that follow you. Not to mention, in the flat desert climate, approaching hostiles can be seen at a distance from any direction. Locations like these would be ideal for a fast-zombie apocalypse.

DO NOT get on a boat motherfucker, unless you’re a skilled sailor with a good boat and a final destination in mind. DO NOT flee to swamp/marshlands or other humid climates. If we’re dealing with a viral undead, humidity is your enemy. Viruses can cling to water molecules forever until the get introduced to a suitable host, so wet, humid air could potentially be swarming with zombie germs.

If You Have No Other Choice, Hunker Down

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So lets say that you were too fat/slow/lazy to get out of Dodge in time, and now you’re surrounded by the zombie horde. Fine dumbass, here’s what you need to do:

Stockpile your shit. Stock up on all the necessary supplies you’ll need to survive an extended zombie siege. Nonperishable food, water, fuel, batteries, weapons, etc. will be needed. Also, better reinforce your bunker man. Lock the doors and windows, then board that shit up. Use electrical or duct tape blackout your windows so light doesn’t escape and draw attention to your hideout.

If you’re not at your own place, some ideal hidey-holes include public buildings such as schools. They’re built like prisons to keep the miserable children in, but they also make for excellent potential hideouts with lots of supplies built-in. Large buildings like that are chock-full of industrial storage space filled with enough supplies to support large groups of people. In an apocalypse scenario these sorts of buildings will likely be evacuated, so when things go pear-shaped (and your own home is indefensible), lock yourself up in a high school with all the Sloppy Joes your fat ass can eat.

Zombie Gear

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The Bug-Out-Bag: If supposing in a hypothetical situation there was a zombie apocalypse (we can only hope), you’ll need your survival bling. Fast action and being well equipped will make or break you in situations like these. Dump out the contents of your backpack/purse/sheepskin and leave only the most essential items. Phone, wallet, money, those you keep, if the dead walk the earth there will be no need for your useless shit, and you’ll run faster with less weight on your back. In the hours following the onset of the disaster, be sure to pack up on non-perishable food, batteries, medical supplies, toiletries, a flashlight, etc. By doing so you’ve converted your plain old bag into a bona fide Bug-Out-Bag, lovingly called a BOB. With your handy BOB you’ll never be short of the essentials whether you’re laying low or GTFO’ing your way to safety.

Here's a brief list of common components found in a standard BOB. Be sure to customize your BOB to fit your survival needs

  • 1 gallon of water per person per day, for washing, drinking and cooking.
  • Non-perishable food.
  • Water purification supplies.
  • Cooking supplies.
  • Cutlery and cups/dishes.
  • A first aid kit.
  • Fire starting tools (i.e. matches, ferrocerium rod, lighter, etc.)
  • A disaster plan including location of emergency centers, rallying points, possible evacuation routes, etc. AKA, 'The Gameplan'
  • Maps and travel information.
  • Standard camping equipment, including sanitation supplies.
  • Weather-appropriate clothing (poncho, headwear, gloves, etc.)
  • Bedding items, such as sleeping bags & blankets.
  • Enough medicine to last an extended evacuation period.
  • Battery or crank operated Radio. Shortwave should always be included with the radio.
  • Firearms and appropriate ammunition.
  • Crowbar (weapon, building and vehicle entry, etc.)
  • Barter Items like precious metals and reusable items.
  • Trench knife
  • Wank magazine (optional), because who knows how long you'll be without precious internet.
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Weapons: Guns are not logical weapons for long-term zombie warfare. For starters, there are a few reasons why guns should be a secondary weapon during long-term zombie combat in an apocalypse scenario:

  • They're fucking loud. Guns make a loud noise when you fire them, even if you use a suppressor (if you've ever heard a gun go off with a "silencer", you'll understand). Gunfire draws people's attention like nothing else, and it'll draw the undead to you like bugs to a zapper or flies to honey or fags to buttholes. Silence and stealth will be key in the apocalypse, for scavenging and travel, so only use your firearm as a last resort (to fend off fellow survivors, if you need to).
  • Ammunition is scarce. Remember, one of the biggest drawbacks to a zombie apocalypse will be the death of manufacture and industry. People will have to scavenge for essential supplies - this especially includes ammunition of every kind. And even if you can scrounge enough ammo, lots of ammo = lots of weight, its a bitch to carry on the go (think about the logistics of, say, carrying a sack full of pennies while you're fleeing from the undead). If you're planning on packing heat, carry something that could take improvised ammunition (pennies, nails, etc.) in place of bullets or shells.
  • Guns need regular maintenance to function. Unless you're planning on lugging around cleaning kits for your blaster, that heat your packing won't last long enough to save your skin. Don't rely on a firearm for your protection, because when it's out of ammo and falling apart from disrepair you're fucked.
  • Most important point: don't use a gun if you don't know how to use a gun. It seems that people are their own worst enemies in a panic situation. If the closest you've ever gotten to live weaponry is shitty Anime or action movies, don't even think about picking up a gun when you're half-blind with fear. You'll blast your face off, don't think for a second that you won't.

The best way to go in the zombie apocalypse is with the Melee Weapon. Machetes, axes, bats, crowbars, clubs, and cudgels - weapons like these are light, low maintenance, and require no technical skill to use effectively. Many melee weapons tend to be improvised or re-purposed in origin (for example, axes and machetes are simply farming tools that have been historically used in a pinch for combat in place of traditional swords/guns/etc.) Melee weapons will not only keep you in good shape from using them, they are also multipurpose. A crowbar or axe can be used to destroy barriers as well as zombie skulls. Club-like weapons make excellent walking sticks and extended hands for poking questionable objects.

Don’t Panic

Sure, the world’s ending, everyone you know is dying, and your little sister just tried to rip out your jugular, but hey, you made it this far. Remember that the moment you give up in your head is the moment you lose your life. Keep your head clear and your thoughts positive, and you’ll be just fine. Think of it this way, with the world ending, all of your fail is pretty much null and void! A winning mindset is essential to survival, so nut up or shut up and start cleaving zombie heads. Come up with fun zombie-killing activities for yourself, try using a new weapon every week. A post-apocalyptic scenario is the perfect opportunity to remake yourself and start a new life.

More likely than not, in an apocalyptic landscape of zombies, desolate wastelands and psychotic fellow-survivors, your own fear will be your greatest enemy. So always keep a jaded sense of morbid humor to carry you through the chaos. This in particular is something any Internet-user will excel at, given our already jaded and independent natures with added I DON'T GIVE A FUCK mentality.

Likely duration of emergency

Give it around a week for their eyes to decompose, which since they are mainly water are the first bits to go. After that they will be blind, and since the human sense of smell ain't all that, they will become much easier to evade. Ultimately, they should be gone within a year, since this is the absolute maximum it takes for an unpreserved human body to decompose. And they will probably be gone quicker than that, because since zombies stink of rotting meat, they will be mobbed by scavengers. Most of those scavengers will be large carrion birds such as crows, which zombies (especially blind ones) will find difficult to attack or avoid.

Note of warning: Although natural processes will reduce a zombie to bones in a matter of months, it is not known whether the zombie is merely the larval form of the animated skeleton, as seen in Jason and the Argonauts. If it turns out that this is the case, you are fucked and your only hope of survival is to buy a large and hungry dog.

Nuvola
Moar info: Skeleton.

How to:Vodou

Step 1:Find recently deceased child

Step 2:Scoop out brains

Step 3:Mix with hallucinogenic drugs

Step 4:Load slurry into syringe

Step 5:Inject into uninformed subject or find an adrenochrome junkie

Step 666:Be awarded Nobel prize in neuroscience and or life long prison sentence

Nuvola
Moar info: Jeffrey Dahmer.

Gallery

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See Also

External Links

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Featured article January 3 & 4, 2013
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Zombie Succeeded by
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