Jeffrey Epstein

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Jeffrey Epstein, looking a bit down after his arrest. I mean, literally looking down, as if a little kid is sucking on his nuts. It's how he would've wanted to be remembered.

(((Jeffrey Epstein))) was an American financier, massively degenerate child molester, and was the Final Boss of American Pedophilia, a title he earned by molesting at least 100 children and getting away with it because of a combination of Jewgold and being Bill Clinton and Donald Trump's BFF.

Molesting more kids than Pedobear and Jimmy Savile combined, the motherfucker had it down to a science. Not only would he fly kids around on his plane dubbed the "Lolita Express" so that he could play doctor with them on his own private island, he actually paid these girls to then go back home and convince their friends to let him fuck them, too! One would think that this would earn him an Over 9000-year long sentence of sharing a cell with Bubba, but instead, he only served one year in a federal country club, where he got to leave for 12 hours six days out of the week for "work release," the kind of sentence Jerry Sandusky only dreams he could have had. Also one of the judges who helped create that deal, Alex Acosta, became the secretary of labor for the Trump administration. Aren't coincidences always so wierd? Too bad the "release" was only to do actual work, versus the kind of "release" he wishes he could do all over the face of some 9 year old.

Jeffrey Who again?

Jeffrey Epstein is an American financier and registered sex offender, and is the Final Boss of American Pedophilia, a title he earned by molesting at least 88 children and getting away with it because of a combination of Jewgold and being Bill Clinton's confirmed BFF.

Of course, because of all his power and wealth, he'll probably just weasel out of it once again with just a slap on the wrist again. Maybe the slap will actually break the skin for once, but not until the slapper apologizes for slapping a bit too hard. Watch this space in 2025 when he'll be arrested for a fifth time despite assuring us this time that he's super sorry and he swears he won't do it again, honest, cross my heart, hope to die... by the way how many zeros are in "five hundred million dollars"?

The Guy Qanon Warned You About

Jeffrey's Magical Kiddie Playhouse is home to such impeccable decor as a life-sized mannequin in a wedding dress hanging from a chandelier, an entire wall made out of glass eyeballs intended for wounded British soldiers, and an oddly prophetic mural of him in prison, surrounded by barbed wire and guard towers, but conspicuously absent of a marauding horde of angry, horny niggers eager to show a rich Jew what happens to pedophiles in prison.

As if intentionally designed to get the Qanon and Pizzagate faggots at 8chan to furiously masturbate over the implications of creepy-ass, edgelord designs that would have been considered too on-the-nose even for a fucking Saw movie, his 7-story townhouse in New York Shitty would have made the perfect Halloween attraction had it not been declared a crime scene for hosting more CP than and Sarah Butts' harddrives put together. Cleverly hidden on compact discs labeled 'nude girls', either the guy is an absolute fucking retard when it comes to hiding his CP stash, or he was just that confident that the Party Van would never come for him again, and if it would, he'd get off scot-free once more.

Given who his friends are, it's probably the latter.

Friends in High Places

Jeff had many BFFs, including but not limited too:

  • Bill Clinton
  • Bill Richarson
  • Donald Trump
  • Alan Dershwoitz
  • Mohammad bin Salman
  • Kevin Spacey
  • Ehud Barak
  • Prince Andrew (Think about that next time you tune in to ThE rOyAl WeDdInG)
  • Elon Musk (That's right, STEM majors, your god was buddy-buddy with Jeffo Epstein)
  • Steven Pinker
  • Bill Gates (No, really. You can't make this shit up)

In March of 2005, a women reported Jeff to the police for molesting her neice, and 6 months later, in October of 2005, Clinton was singing Epstein's praise in an interview. As for Don, when he, Donald Trump, saw Jeff hitting on a teenage girl, he, Trump, just had Jeff kicked out of a club that both he and Trump were a part of, not actually reported to the

The Lolita Express

This being the nickname for the private plane in which Epstein's guests were shuttled back and forth to his private pedo paradise, Little St James, one of the smaller of the Caribbean Virgin Islands. People like Matt Groening and Bobby Kotick are really trying that you forget about it, but as the saying goes, the internet never forgets. And neither should you.


In July of 2019, Epstein was finally V& in New York after some journalist in Miami did an exposé on just how many people bent over backwards to spare him from Bubba's BBC the last time he was v& for diddling little girls. Said journalist uncovered everything from a campaign of witness intimidation, sweetheart deals, a deliberate coverup of the involvement of everyone from Bill Clinton to Prince Andrew at Pedobear Island, to a claim that Epstein "belongs to intelligence." Such arguments did not move New York prosecutors and judges. After his Fortress of Molestation was searched, an entire safe was found full of cash, diamonds, and a fake passport claiming that Epstein, was from Saudi Arabia. Claiming that it was only because he knew what actual sand niggers think of rich Jews who molest kids, it's probably because he knows that child molestation is a time-honored tradition of Middle-Easterners, and saw sand niglets as another source of underage poon once the American well runs dry.

Whatever the case, the means and motivation to flee proved too much, and he was ordered held without bail. The only question now is whether or not Bubba will get to fuck him before he's inevitably found swinging in his cell or Tyrone shivs him to death in the cafeteria.

NYC Jail Injury and "Suicide"

The asshole was found injured in his jail cell on the 24th of July, 2019 nearly unconscious in a fetal position, attempting to imitate the age group he has an obsession with. He has been placed on a suicide watch. At the time of writing this, it is unclear if it was suicide, a hit job or someone beating the shit out of him because he's an alleged pedo. Apparently he was put on suicide watch where he would be monitored 24/7 without any tools to commit suicide, but the camera just so happened to malfunction right when he died.

So did he suicide? No. Thats what the (((Media))) wants you to think.

10/08/2019 - Goodbye cruel world!

He ded, ladies and gentleman. Handy Andy probably had something to do with his death if the tabloids are to be believed.

On 10th of August, 2019 our hero was found dead of apparent suicide in his jail cell. It's currently too early to state definitively whether or not his rich mates ordered the assassination or he was just a massive faggot and pussied out pre-trial, given he'd been up for some pretty heinous stuff in the past and walked away pretty much scot-free.

Rest in peace, Jeffrey. All the people listed in your black book will never miss you.

Hot Mic, Hot Take

On November 5th, 2019, ABC News anchor Amy Robach talked with one of her coworkers how she actually was hot on the heels on Jeffery Epstein's story and tried to get her bosses at ABC News to let her go forward on it... only for them to first ask "who is that? He's nobody important", and then basically say that the story was going to be quashed. Of course this would've just been something that they kept to themselves, like ALL work place stories... except for the fact that she forgot her mic was on.

Here's a quick overview of the situation.

Of course now with egg on their face, ABC News opted to explain to the public how... heeey, it WAS a worthy story, but they just had to make sure they got their facts straight! They have journalistic integrity, after all! You can read what they thought below:

Yeah, see? ABC News WANTED to tell such an important story, but not until it was ready! Kinda like how ABC News waits until all the facts are in in order to tell stories about President Trump or the Syrian Civil War, instead of just blurting out the first thing that comes to mind without actually fact checking it, right??

Oh wait.

Epstein's Black Book

Fortunately, Jeff kept a concise list of the names and numbers of all of his pedo-pals in his handy dandy notebook, it reads like a tabloid magazine of the rich and famous, all your favorite movie stars and politicians are there, such as Bill Clinton, Bill Cosby, Prince Andrew, Alan Dershowitz, Woody Allen, THE DONALD, and more.

Luckily for you, our crack investigative journalists here at ED have recieved the full, unredacted, 95 page book for your viewing pleasure.

See Also

External Links

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